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[monk12]

Here's a question- what exactly were we doing before being assaulted in our very own home? Were we just having some fun times in the Overlord chair, or do we have actual enemies to strive against/new kingdoms to conquer?

[LordBucket]

Put on the most sinister evil-looking armor of doom in our armory. Especially look for a helmet with scary-looking large horns and eye slots that make our eyes glow. And a cape. We need a cape. A big, black evil cape the color of black sackcloth after it's been soaked in the blood of children. And a jagged sword with a skull on it.

Tell the hero it's so we can play good cop / bad cop with him. So that we can reduce loss of life by convincing people to give us information peacefully.

He'll like that.

[Ross Vernal]

A normal weapon and a backup dagger might not be too much to carry, but most of your daggers are of the pretty serious variety. You've already explained that you don't want to be some sort of super-prepared porcupine pack mule, though.

Also, how to determine the "best" armor? None of this stuff would be in here if someone didn't think it was the best.

The prettiest is, of course, the shiniest, most colorful one that comes closest to our magnificent eye color. Or the fictional eye color of our fictional dead love interest. Because it's a personal token, that reminds us of her undying love eternal, yadda yadda, bad poetry, try to keep our cover story actually plausible.

Hover our hand over them for a second, then whichever one we feel the least stupid about doing it over, stick into a sword that tries to meet the above qualities. Saber is still good. If we feel equally stupid about each one, go with another blue. If we happen to have any masterful backup-capable daggers, put a purple in there.

Consider "Which armor was taken from the bodies of the previous bearers?" Clearly, said armor is NOT the best. Pretty much, try to go with what seems the least rusty, least made of stupid materials, and least ornamented. See if anything looks vaguely magical. Try that. Also, helmet. We should totally not put it on, but just carry it. Come to think of it, we should also carry the weapons in a careful, not-totally-about-to-stab-the-Hero manner.

Look for a magical codpiece that is NOT gender-changing, and whatever backup magic equipment he isn't using.

You are not putting a magical roulette wheel effect on your junk. What is wrong with you.[/quote]

Convince the Hero to put on...

You know what, nevermind to any and all codpiece-related ideas as far as we go. Consider making elaborate humiliating codpieces for peasant deathmatches.

[IronyOwl]

Shit son. Take the most faceted blue gems, socket them into your best gear. Get that gear on. Go back and slay hero. Also with the minion thing, I meant that yeah, he can take us one on one, but you said you were better with minions at your back anyway. We would have quite the edge over this guy if we had a army at our back.

You're not so sure about this.


For one thing, he's still in your castle. That means there's not a huge amount of room to fight, which means your faceless legions would be at something of a disadvantage. Add onto that the questions people are going to start asking if you wait in the back while he wades through your soldiers and flooding him with minions is just a terrible idea.

Now, taking along a few minions is a different story- maybe you could send a few waves after him first, then join in and maybe have a few soldiers join you now and then. But, all told you're probably not looking at more than a dozen or two faceless soldiers before people start to wonder why you're stalling, and obviously "I can't take him alone" is absolutely, cripplingly, probably-constant-coups-even-if-everything-works out bad.

Which then makes the question whether you can take him with another dozen soldiers or so helping. Which again returns to the sneak attack problem- you think so, but you're almost tempted to say you could take him straight up if you fought again.


Plus, he's in your magical armory now. Sure, maybe you'll come back and he'll be a newt and this will all be resolved by putting him in a fishbowl. But it could also be that he's found some stupid destructive magical item that really shouldn't be utilized indoors. The last thing you want is for him to clear our all your minions in one go or start bringing down the roof on both your heads when you try to engage him.

Here's a question- what exactly were we doing before being assaulted in our very own home? Were we just having some fun times in the Overlord chair, or do we have actual enemies to strive against/new kingdoms to conquer?

What you were doing...?


...torturing peasants, you think...?

Oh, or in a broader sense. Yeah, you've got enemies- enemies everywhere, really. Strictly speaking, anyone who doesn't bow to your iron grip is an enemy, aren't they?


...you just can't remember any of them.

Well alright, that's fine, normally you have a guy for this, but you can probably remember some details. Let's see...

...the guy up North has a lot of horsemen, you're pretty sure.

...East is a slut, you think.

...South is horsemen again, but you're pretty sure it was different from the Northern guy. Maybe the Northerners use cavalry a lot whereas the Southerners just have sex with livestock?

...and then West is volcanoes. Not totally volcanoes, obviously, in fact you don't know for a fact that they've got any volcanoes. You just remember volcanoes being relevant to "West" somehow.


Soooo there we have it. You should really find the guy you had for this.

There's also various other smaller problems, rogue warlords and heroes and such, but you don't remember any off the top of your head. Well, except for that massive, ancient, dark dragon that's been infesting one of your forests, but you're pretty sure you don't want to piss him off. As in, the only reason you remember him is because he's a complete monster not even you want to mess with, even indirectly.

Consider "Which armor was taken from the bodies of the previous bearers?" Clearly, said armor is NOT the best. Pretty much, try to go with what seems the least rusty, least made of stupid materials, and least ornamented. See if anything looks vaguely magical. Try that. Also, helmet. We should totally not put it on, but just carry it. Come to think of it, we should also carry the weapons in a careful, not-totally-about-to-stab-the-Hero manner.

As far as you're aware all of these are new. You don't even think that many were stolen- apparently random pillaging just isn't that great at producing masterpiece weapons. Or maybe just not good at producing masterpiece weapons anyone's willing to hand over and tell you about.

You know what, nevermind to any and all codpiece-related ideas as far as we go. Consider making elaborate humiliating codpieces for peasant deathmatches.

Hehe, that is a good idea.

Shit son. Take the most faceted blue gems, socket them into your best gear. Get that gear on. Go back and slay hero.

You should take that bow and all the arrows. That way, when the Hero inevitably asks you to help him in a fight, you can hide out in back, far away from any enemies. And, if you happen to 'accidently' shoot him in the back a few times, well, whoops? That's what happens in fights sometimes.

You want to put the biggest purple augment you can find in that bow, too. Because purple is the colour of kings, and you're pretty kingly, right? Or do what that Criptfeind guy said, and use a blue one. That worked out pretty well last time.

Put on the most sinister evil-looking armor of doom in our armory. Especially look for a helmet with scary-looking large horns and eye slots that make our eyes glow. And a cape. We need a cape. A big, black evil cape the color of black sackcloth after it's been soaked in the blood of children. And a jagged sword with a skull on it.

Tell the hero it's so we can play good cop / bad cop with him. So that we can reduce loss of life by convincing people to give us information peacefully.

He'll like that.

The prettiest is, of course, the shiniest, most colorful one that comes closest to our magnificent eye color. Or the fictional eye color of our fictional dead love interest. Because it's a personal token, that reminds us of her undying love eternal, yadda yadda, bad poetry, try to keep our cover story actually plausible.

Hover our hand over them for a second, then whichever one we feel the least stupid about doing it over, stick into a sword that tries to meet the above qualities. Saber is still good. If we feel equally stupid about each one, go with another blue. If we happen to have any masterful backup-capable daggers, put a purple in there.

So, you're kind of all over the place as far as what weapon and/or armor and/or augments you want to take, and if you're not back soon he might start wondering what's taking so long...

[monk12]

What! There's like at least four other kingdoms not trembling beneath the heel of our mighty boot!?! We've been slacking.

Clearly, the Crown of whatever-we-made-up is broken into four pieces, each held by the ruler of one of the neighboring kingdoms, and the only way to stop the cult is to reunite the four pieces. If we can convince Hero to let us lead an army there, all's the better, but more likely he'll insist we sneak in and do some discreet thievery to avoid the slaughter of "innocents." Which is not to say that there will not be opportunities for incidental regicide, to ready the path for our army's march.

First things first though, grab some armor and a sword we like, and a random assortment of gumballs materia augments to be applied later, and go check in on Hero and see whether he's conveniently newtified himself.

If we were a nerdier Overlord I'd suggest just rolling dice, but whatevs.

[Grek]

What he said. All of it.

[LordBucket]

Sure, that's fine. Spend the trip back to the armory thinking up jokes and puns to use should he happen to have donned the girdle of gender bending.

[IronyOwl]

What! There's like at least four other kingdoms not trembling beneath the heel of our mighty boot!?! We've been slacking.

Hey, you've been making progress! There used to be even more than four! That existed, not that you remembered more than four vague things at once without a guy to remind you about that stuff.

Clearly, the Crown of whatever-we-made-up is broken into four pieces, each held by the ruler of one of the neighboring kingdoms, and the only way to stop the cult is to reunite the four pieces. If we can convince Hero to let us lead an army there, all's the better, but more likely he'll insist we sneak in and do some discreet thievery to avoid the slaughter of "innocents." Which is not to say that there will not be opportunities for incidental regicide, to ready the path for our army's march.

This is brilliant.


The only problems, of course, are finding a piece of "crown" in each place, and what happens if the hero starts, like, asking the rulers questions or something. No plan's perfect, of course, but the less suspicions you have to narrowly weasel your way out of the better.

First things first though, grab some armor and a sword we like, and a random assortment of gumballs materia augments to be applied later, and go check in on Hero and see whether he's conveniently newtified himself.

If we were a nerdier Overlord I'd suggest just rolling dice, but whatevs.

What he said. All of it.

Sure, that's fine. Spend the trip back to the armory thinking up jokes and puns to use should he happen to have donned the girdle of gender bending.

Alright, let's do this.


For a sword you grab a new katana. Much like your old one, this thing should butcher unarmored peasants like a fine silver butterknife cuts butter- not just effectively but in style. Actually, fine silver butterknives tend to not be very hilarious unless you butcher a peasant with them anyway, so arguably this is even better.


For armor you grab this light golden mail stuff. It should protect against light cuts without hampering your mobility much, if at all.


You also grab a handful of augments and begin making your way back to the hero.

Spend the trip back to the armory thinking up jokes and puns to use should he happen to have donned the girdle of gender bending.

Uh... something about his giant sword would be appropriate, you think. Maybe something about him calling you a dick? Except he's never really called you a dick, you just assume he thinks you're a dick because he keeps whining about his dead parents or whatever.

Maybe mentioning magical codpieces, followed by, oh, whoops, guess not? Surely you've got some scantily clad women's armor somewhere you could imply he wear, that might qualify as a joke, or something.

...you seem to be bad at this for some reason. Hrm. Maybe actually seeing it would be more inspiring. Or maybe all that feeding people to crocodiles has dulled your razor-sharp wit.


You soon approach the armory. Come on female newt!

...

...

...

...


Hey! he says. This stuff is SO AWESOME, why aren't you using any of it?

Also, this is such bullshit.

[Criptfeind]

Better idea then the kingdom thing.

Send him against the dragon.

Now that someone decided giving him the best loot was a good idea it may be our only hope. Also tell him that you already told him why, we have had enough of the whole, random magic shit, since the demon took us over.

[LordBucket]

Hey! he says. This stuff is SO AWESOME, why aren't you using any of it?

Because apparently we didn't know what anything in our own armory was or did and were too stupid to take anything good or obviously enchanted.

Maybe the lack of large, glowy enchanted items will at least make us a less noticeable target.

[Yoink]

...Lemme guess, he had a few dozen scrolls of identify on his person?
At least we still have the augments gumballs. They shall remain our little secret.

Also, perhaps the last fragment of the crown (or the first?) was last heard of being stolen by that nasty, mean-hearted dragon. It was pretty shiny after all- and you know what dragons are like.
We would have to play our cards right, though. Dragons can be pretty clever, as well as deadly.

[monk12]

Well, except for that massive, ancient, dark dragon that's been infesting one of your forests, but you're pretty sure you don't want to piss him off. As in, the only reason you remember him is because he's a complete monster not even you want to mess with, even indirectly.

The problem with the dragon is that if the dragon wins, it'll probably be pissed at us for sending the buffoon after him (and it'll know, dragons are tricky that way.) More importantly, eliminating the dragon doesn't help us at all, since it isn't on our "to-conquer" list anyway. I'd rather expose the Hero to dangers that, if he succeeds, will lead to our benefit. And if he fails, then we don't have to worry about Hero anymore! At this point, I say we leave the dragon as a last resort if Hero actually manages to survive our gauntlet of nation-toppling.

I say that first, we ask what all fancy things his equipment is doing for him, and how much he knows about it. Let's find out exactly how bullshit this is, and hope that maybe they've got drawbacks as well as bonuses (probably not, but hey, could be.) Then, lay the fragmented Crown of Whatever story on him. If he asks why he's never heard of this before, it's because the whole Crown thing is a secret to keep evildoers from constantly trying to steal it. In fact, each piece of the Crown is protected by a clever illusion, such that it appears as something completely trivial.

That way, when we decide we want to leave the kingdom (say, after killing the ruling family and all the heirs,) we can just grab a random piece of junk, proclaim it "a piece of the Crown," and book it. Also, find out what Hero's name is. That's the kind of thing that could bite us in the ass later.

[Yoink]

Yeah, the dragon as a last resort plan sounds good to me.
We should compliment him a little too, to make the fragmented crown of utter bullshit story a bit easier to swallow.

[10ebbor10]

Just wait till the hero dies from the square-cube law. The human skeleton and body tend to be horribly inefficient and inadequate once they start to approach 3 meters of hight.

[eerr]

Note to self: recruit a sage-y guy to id your mega-artifacts real slowly.