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[lawastooshort]

"No, focus on the President!" you scream to the onrushing paramedic. "Save Lincoln!"

You try to pass out from the stress, exhaustion and pain to emphasise your point, but suddenly you spot movement in the nearby bushes. You make out the tell-tale webbing of the Viet Cong just thirty yards away under a fern. You speak quietly into your radio.

"Uh, this is Abe Lincoln's Speedo to control, over? We've got uh -"

Suddenly fifteen Viet Cong ninja assassins rush out from the undergrowth to the east and charge directly towards Lincoln with their bayonets raised!

"Uh shit, this is Abe Lincoln's Speedo to control!" you continue, shouting as loud as you can now. "We got Charlie in the wire down here or something! We need immediate extraction!"

"This is Echo, we have choppers coming in for immediate exfil in four minutes, over. I'm afraid you're gonna have to hold on till then. Over and out."

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)

Name: The Angry Speedo of Lincoln
Host: Abraham Lincoln (currently abandoned)
Appearance: Presidential Stripes
Status: Right butt cheek perforated!, Left butt cheek perforated!
Items:
Abilities: Mind Control Level 1, Speech Level 1, Speedo Telepathy!

[Sheb]

((Damn, each time I post, I'm afraid we've reached the point where this cannot become anymore WTF and it'll start becoming boring. And every single time I'm wrong.

Totally unrelated, if it doesn't bother you, could you send me a PM telling me where in Belgium you're from? I'd love to meet you IRL. :p))

"Damn, thos dirty comuniss' don't wear no Speedos! Their filthy communist butts are bare, what can I do?"

Answering that question, mind-control Abe Lincoln into singing the "International", hoping the Viet-Cong will go "WTF?!?!" long enough for the choppers to arrive. Also use the fact that both your buttcheeks are perforated to jump over Lincoln's head and act as a mask, hopefully the Viet-Cong won't recognize the US president and mistake him for Speedoman.

[Aseaheru]

use mind control on them so that they think that THEY are abe.

[Sheb]

I don't think we can mind control other people than our host. But then, I wouldn't think Viet-Cong would erupt from the ruins of recently-nuked Washigton D.C. to attack Gay Abraham Lincoln.

Maybe we could just shoot lasers from our buttcheek holes or something.

[Aseaheru]

can we die if we still are in one piece?


im thinking ninja speedo!

[Chink]

"Damn, thos dirty comuniss' don't wear no Speedos! Their filthy communist butts are bare, what can I do!"

Answering that question, mind-control Abe Lincoln into singing the "International", hoping the Viet-Cong will go "WTF?!?!" long enough for the choppers to arrive. Also use the fact that both your buttcheeks are perforated to jump over Lincoln's head and act as a mask, hopefully the Viet-Cong won't recognize the US president and mistake him for Speedoman.

+1

[lawastooshort]

"Damn, thos dirty comuniss' don't wear no Speedos! Their filthy communist butts are bare, what can I do?"

Abe stirs from his blood-drained slumber to mumble something amidst the hail of gunfire. You look over, a questioning look in your eye.

"Hey, it's not what you think, man..."

"It's not what, Abe?"

"I'm totally not gay, dude... I mean, people see the sideburns and the hat, they jump to assumptions man, you know, they - "

"I didn't think you were gay, Abe. And even if you were, I'd still serve you as your loyal Speedo, bro. I'm honoured to serve the President and always will be, even if you do decide to turn gay at some point in the future. Now, are you strong enough to sing?"

You jump into the air and somersault onto Lincoln's head, your perforated butt cheeks clenching down firmly upon his face. He breathes deeply.

"Stand up, damned of the Earth!"

Suddenly Abe Lincoln rises to his feet!

"Stand up, prisoners of starvation!"

He directs a fearsome barrage of communist lyricism at the nearby Viet Cong!

"Reason thunders in its volcano!"

The hail of gunfire ceases!

"This is the eruption of the end!"

Abe Lincoln pumps his shotgun!

"Your end, motherfuckers!"

He improvises some percussion!

"Yeah, take that, commie bastards!"

As Lincoln wades forward and shotguns Viet Cong ninjas to the floor, they start to wail in terror! Viet Congese echoes across the runs of Washington!

"Ach, no! SPEEDOMAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

Suddenly lasers start firing from the butt cheek holes covering Lincoln's eyes! The remaining Viet Cong flee from the terrifying spectre of SPEEDOLINCOLN who strides towards their position, butt cheek lasers and shotgun firing mercilessly. Lincoln seems to double in size! He seems to have stopped bleeding! He takes out his notepad and consults his to do list.

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)

Name: The Angry Speedo of Lincoln
Host: Abraham Lincoln (currently worn on head)
Appearance: Presidential Stripes
Status: Right butt cheek perforated!, Left butt cheek perforated!
Items:
Abilities: Mind Control Level 1, Speech Level 1, Speedo Telepathy!

[MonkeyHead]

The only thing we need to worry about now is a speedo wearing John Wilkes Booth...

[Chink]

We dealt with the threat, so now it's PARTY TIME!

[lawastooshort]

Lincoln cracks open a beer and you’re about to jump off his face to join the celebration and light a symbolically large cigar when everything goes quiet around you. There’s a whisper of wind, a distant creak of rusting hinges on barroom doors. The piano player stops. The air is dry. You look up.

At the far end of the street, advancing towards you, you see a Speedo. A grey Speedo. A grey Speedo carrying a revolver low on his hip and wearing John Wilkes Booth draped seductively around his neck in the European style.

The newcomer speaks.

“I’ve come for the President, Johnny Speedo.”

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)

Name: The Angry Speedo of Lincoln
Host: Abraham Lincoln (currently worn on head)
Appearance: Presidential Stripes
Status: Right butt cheek perforated!, Left butt cheek perforated!
Items:
Abilities: Mind Control Level 1, Speech Level 1, Speedo Telepathy!

[Sheb]

Wait: he's carrying the President's long-death murderer around his neck like a scarf? Neck that he doesn't have since he's a Speedo?

[lawastooshort]

Wait

Think it's a bit late for that.

the President's long-death murderer

No one said he was dead.

around his neck like a scarf?

Yep. In the European style.

Neck that he doesn't have since he's a Speedo?

I really don't know what to say to that one.

[Sheb]

Man, the mental pictures. I feel like I'm high on some weird dutch mushrooms just from reading your posts. (P.S. You totally didn't answer me. Where are your from in Belgium? Of course, if you don't want to tell me, you don't have to, but just tell me you don't want to tell me then. Or well, you don't have to tell me you don't want to if you don't want to tell me you don't want to tell me, but I don't see why you wouldn't want to tell me you don't want to tell me, and it wouldn't be nice not to tell me you don't want to tell me. But of course, if you don't want to, I cant force you.)


"Bobby Sous-Vêtement! I'd recognize your classy Southern Aristocrat buttcheeks anywhere.

Your time is over dude. All Speedos are now free and equal, no matter their colours, fabrics or wearer or type. We won't let segregationists like you force the Boxer in esclavage anymore. Shooting the president wouldn't help, you've already lost and the armies of Robert E. Panties surrendered five days ago to those of Ulysse Pants.

But if you must really make an attempt on the President's life, you'll have to pass over my body first. I duel you to a match of Speedo wrestling!

[lawastooshort]

"Bobby Sous-Vêtement!” you answer. “I'd recognise your classy Southern Aristocrat butt cheeks any time and any place!”

“Your time is over, dude. All Speedos are now free and equal, no matter their colours, fabrics, patterns or wearer or type. We won't let segregationists like you force the Boxer into slavery anymore. Shooting the president won’t help, you've already lost and the armies of Robert E. Panties surrendered five days ago to those of Ulysses S Pants.”

“If you really want the President,” you conclude, pausing dramatically, “You'll have to pass over my dead body first. I challenge you to a duel of Speedo wrestling!”

”Ahahaha!” laughs Bobby Sous-Vêtement, evilly. ”Speedo wrestling!? You sentimental fool! I will crush you and your Northern President Yankee Friend! I will rub myself across his face! Behold! I mean, wait! Whilst I slather myself in oil for the fight!”

Bobby Sous-Vêtement oils himself up, ready for the wrestling duel. You have one minute to prepare!

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)

Name: The Angry Speedo of Lincoln
Host: Abraham Lincoln (currently worn on head)
Appearance: Presidential Stripes
Status: Right butt cheek perforated!, Left butt cheek perforated!
Items:
Abilities: Mind Control Level 1, Speech Level 1, Speedo Telepathy!

[Chink]

Call for some back up, and have them lie in wait hidden, in case things get out of hand.
See below.