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Author Topic: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo  (Read 17348 times)

Sheb

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #45 on: May 28, 2012, 02:03:09 am »
Plug the gaping holes of Ae's wound using our elastic, and try to get him to move.
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Quote from: Paul-Henry Spaak
Europe consists only of small countries, some of which know it and some of which don’t yet.

lawastooshort

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #46 on: May 28, 2012, 03:24:52 am »
Remembering the basic first aid skills you learnt long ago at Speedo elementary, you crawl over to the wounded President and stuff yourself elastic-first into the gunshot wound near his liver. He groans a bit with the pain and seems to be losing consciousness!

You slap him round the face with your non-elasticated end, bringing him to full alertness long enough for you to look him in the eye.

“Dude,” you whisper loudly, “We gotta get out of here, man. If the cops catch you here you’re done for, know what I’m saying? There’s like four dozen bodies out there dude. And if they see this dead cop,” you add, pointing to the police officer lying lifeless on the floor beside you, “They ain’t gonna take you in. They gonna take you down, boy! Come on, get up!”

“Ok man, let’s go. Say, did I ever tell you how much I love you, man?”

“No you didn’t Abe, but now’s not the time. We gotta find a way out of here, and fast.”

You look around you in the gloom.

There seems to be a ladder leading to the roof, a trapdoor leading underground, and a backdoor to the yard.

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Sheb

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #47 on: May 28, 2012, 06:04:59 am »
Can't we just go out and take the squad car for some high-speed chasing?
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Quote from: Paul-Henry Spaak
Europe consists only of small countries, some of which know it and some of which don’t yet.

lawastooshort

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #48 on: May 28, 2012, 06:32:15 am »
Yes.
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Sheb

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #49 on: May 28, 2012, 06:47:39 am »
Well, do it then.
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Quote from: Paul-Henry Spaak
Europe consists only of small countries, some of which know it and some of which don’t yet.

Geen

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #50 on: May 28, 2012, 10:45:42 am »
wat
i don't even
Just... wat.

DO EET!
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lawastooshort

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #51 on: May 28, 2012, 05:14:09 pm »
“Screw that!” you think, your tiny Speedo mind confused by the multitude of choice. “I came in one way, I'm goddamned going out one way! I'm a goddamned American Speedo! Not some commie scum! I graced the balls of the greatest President yet to live! I ain't going out like that!”

You heft the tottering Lincoln onto your shoulder.

“Ready?” you ask, half to yourself. “One... two... let's go, man! Keep your goddamn shotgun firing and leave the driving to me! Come on, we're gonna get you outta here!”

You run as fast as the presidential weight you carry will allow you and burst through the door. The gay bar's still empty. The floor's still slick with blood. His feet dragging marks across the floor, you carry on pulling Abe across until you reach the main exit, where you stop, take a breath, ease open the door, take a peek outside.

Shit.

A squadron of cop cars is steaming down the freeway towards the crime scene; you figure you've got fifteen, maybe twenty seconds.

“Can you make it to the car, dude?” You slap Lincoln across the cheek. “Come on, man, keep it together! One last push man, and then it's just you and me, and all you gotta do is sit there in that car and fire the damn gun. Come on!”

With the President slouched low, you just manage to haul him across the twenty metres and into the squad car as the first cop squeals his tires into a skidding stop right in front. You fumble with the keys. The engine coughs. It coughs again. It – damn! The sudden impact throws you forward in the seat, the back end of the car seems to give way. Sandwiched in between the fastest two cop cars, you're trapped.

You're about to give up when a final turn of the key sends the engine exploding into life.

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applesauce machine

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #52 on: May 28, 2012, 05:19:46 pm »
>DRIVE!
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Quote from: TCM on August 19, 2012, 10:25:04 am
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Chink

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #53 on: May 28, 2012, 07:42:12 pm »
Call the Secret Service!
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Geen

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #54 on: May 28, 2012, 10:55:15 pm »
Drive like your life depends on it. Which it does. And call in our buddies in the Secret Service, CIA, and whatever else we have.
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lawastooshort

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #55 on: May 31, 2012, 02:50:41 am »
Your foot hits the pedal and the car bursts forward, quickly gaining a small lead over the surprised cop cars behind. You soon hit 110 as you enter downtown Washington. You need to think, and fast.

“Yo, Abe! Abe! Wake up man, you can’t pass out on me here dude!”

“Wha- oh gosh, don’t you think you’re driving pretty fast for a residential area, Speedo?”

“What the hell, dude! You got us into this mess, man, I’m just getting you out of it. You’re gonna be the greatest President in History if we manage to work this out! Now, come on, slide over and take the wheel for a second, I’m gonna make a call.”

As Lincoln slides over to the driver’s seat you gently rifle through his pockets to find his cell phone. You speed dial the Secret Service with one hand and put your shades on with the other.

“Hey yeah. Secret Service? Yeah, we got a problem. What? Is this line secure? Is this line secure?! The hell I know! I’m a goddamned Speedo and I’m trying to save your goddamned President! Put me on a goddamned secure line! Abe’s in trouble man, he’s just killed an entire gay bar and at least one cop. What? I dunno, maybe. Why not. Look, if you don’t get us out of this then it’s gonna be the end of the whole United States and yeah, you’re gonna be looking for a job and your momma’s gonna be cleaning houses for a goddamn communist. Here, I’m gonna put you on speakerphone. Abe, tell ‘em what’s what, dude.”

“Er yes, this is your President speaking. Can I have a large fries and-“

You quickly snap it off speakerphone.

“Yeah, I think he’s gone delirious with bloodlust. Look, you gotta help us out of this.”

The voice changes on the other end.

“Is that you, John Speedo? This is Secret Service Colonel J.K. Hubatroyd. I’m glad we got a good man on the ground. Now, tell me what you need.”

A wave of hope washes over you for the first time today. It’s your old buddy from the Nam!

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Chink

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #56 on: May 31, 2012, 02:40:49 pm »
We need some medical personnel over here, J.K.!
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applesauce machine

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #57 on: June 01, 2012, 12:59:21 pm »
Quote from: Chink on May 31, 2012, 02:40:49 pm
We need some medical personnel over here, J.K.!
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Quote from: TCM on August 19, 2012, 10:25:04 am
THE GOVERNMENT IS PUTTING BIBLES IN THE WATER SUPPLY.
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lawastooshort

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #58 on: June 01, 2012, 02:22:25 pm »
"We need some medical personnel over here, J.K.!" you shout into the cell phone. "We're gonna need that soon, be advised I got blood pouring from the President here!"

"Roger your last, Johnny Speedo. I'm sending in everything we got on standby, hang tough little fella!"

"Don't you worry about me J.K., I've had worse than two perforated butt cheeks but the President's in a bad way and the fuzz are all over us, man. OH JESUS ABE YOU'RE ON THE WRONG GODDAMN SIDE OF THE ROAD AGAIN DUDE! Uh, sorry man. Look, I need everything you got, dump everything you got on my position! I say again, I want all you're holding on my position"

"Roger your last, Johnny Speedo. We got snake and nape coming in. You guys had better duck and cover down there. Whiskey to Echo... Snakebite Two, this is lead. Pass on zero niner."

"Shit, Abe," you say, turning to the President as he holds the wheel steady. "Things are gonna get real hot in a second, I'll take the wheel, you duck and cover in the back and get your shottie ready to go. Come on!"

You jump over Abe's bleeding body and take control as he slides into the back seat to assume the safety position. You hear the roar of approaching jet engines.


Skidding to a circular halt you lean out the car window and lower your shades to cast an eye over the destruction behind you. A large swathe of downtown Washington seems to have vanished, and the pursuing cop cars with it. You look up to see a single paramedic floating down from the sky.

He lands and walks over to you.

"Sup. I heard you got a nearly dead President he- OH JESUS CHRIST ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'RE PERFORATED IN BOTH BUTT CHEEKS DUDE!" The paramedic flips his Secret Service radio on. "Uh, Whisky to Echo, we need a tailor down here fast, over." He rushes over to you, pulling a needle and thread out of his first aid kit as comes.

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Sheb

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Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #59 on: June 02, 2012, 04:54:06 am »
"No, focus on the President! Save Lincoln!"

Pass out from the stress, exhaustion and pain, waiting to wake up a decorated hero.
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Quote from: Paul-Henry Spaak
Europe consists only of small countries, some of which know it and some of which don’t yet.
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