Normally I would siege strongholds and other fortified places, but since the Northumbrians have retreated to the very first wooden fort that we've seen, I'd thought that I would treat you and conduct an assault. I had built a siege engineer's workshop in Norway for such an occasion, so we don't lack catapults.
"But USEC_OFFICER," you might say, "what about all those strongholds that you've taken?"
Well, at that point I would probably
slap you for being an idiot calmly and politely tell you that those weren't actual assaults. Those strongholds had no gates, and their walls were little more than fences. Forts, on the other hand, have walls big enough to stand on, and with gates you have to bash down yourself. Now then, let us start the battle, shall-
Oh. Well Sheb, it looks like you're the King a-
What. I could have sworn that Prince Ragnar was next in line to the throne. He was only thirty something, and I don't thing he died fighting the Northumbrians. Ah well, it's all for the best. Prince Ragnar would have made a crappy king anyways, what with being so inbred and all (Chinless Wonder -
Most people get eight grandparents. This man has been seriously shortchanged! -3 to command and acumen.). A lot of my other commanders are inbred as well; It's starting to seem like most people didn't lose their two fingers in combat...
Anyways, back to the assault.
What. How? It's almost as if the game is creating kings out of thin air, with no regard for the royal family at all. But still, the aether-born king isn't going to make a difference. We've got enough spearmen to drown him in a sea of blood. Anyways, on to the assault.
Nice fort huh? Well, what you can't see is the rain of arrows hitting my men. At first I thought that the arrows were from the central tower, which I had my catapults smash to pieces. But the arrows still kept coming. Confused, I took a closer look at the (unmanned) walls. To my immense surprise I saw an arrow speed out of the wall, and then another and another! The obvious conclusion was that the devilish Northumbrians had manned their walls with tiny, invisible gremlins! These gremlins had to be invisible, otherwise my men would have filled them full of arrows already. They also had to be tiny, since the arrows were being fired from about a foot above the top of the wall. As for the gremlin part, well, what else could it have been? Pixies? Ha, don't make me laugh.
Anyways while I was puzzling out the tiny, invisible gremlins, my catapults had managed to blast a hole in the wall. I sent my huscarls through the breach, because huscarls aren't afraid of anything, especially tiny, invisible gremlins.
Spearmen, however, are afraid, so I had them swarm the gate instead. Nothing inspires confidence like a howling angry mob bashing at a gate. Well, unless you're on the other side of the gate, of course.
The spearmen were charged by the Northumbrians just as soon as they broke down the gate, which was fine with me.
After all, huscarls like an open flank.
Oh, the Northumbrians made a bit fuss for sure, but we had the superior everything.
Aether King was sent back to the air that he spawned from.
And that was that. Most of the kills come from the tiny, invisible gremlins, so obviously we'll have to utilize them in our own forts.
Poll
1 (7.1%)
Author
Topic: Let's Play: Viking: Total War! Has Sprung a Leak in a Storm (Read 25821 times)