SHORT INTERLUDE PART SEVEN
Zombify the dead guy down south if I can with my eye.
*PUNCH-SPLODE*
With his crotch fractured by a burning crocodile and his treasured moustache severed by a rabid frog,
Theoderm Roosevelt is at a loss.
His mission has failed.
Time to turn to his secondary objective.
To gain time, he
...raises the corpse lying in the open coffin to the south as a zombie with the power of his eyes before redirecting his attention to the
Australian croc-jockey riding his head.
...With a mighty smash of his legendary fist, he knocks Steve Irwin to the floor, freeing himself from the terrible bionic doom-ear! He backs away from the bowienauts and beckons his spidomination to do his violent bidding.
Before the bowienauts can even express their horror at
Nikola Tesla being brought back to life to eat them, the skeletal spider fiend is upon them!
...Unerringly picking out the man who is undoubtedly the clearest threat – and, indeed, the only combat specialist present who is not on fire – the skeletal spider beast lunges with his fearsome jaws to rip off Stevo’s head. Diving away in a panic, Stevo lands head first on the floor and smacks his face in! Luckily enough though, the incompetent undead monstrosity is only able to rip off his own leg with his six foot long fangs!
Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin:
Partially Ruined Face!Continue attacking untill Roosevelt dies!
...Totally dazed by his own expert dodging skills,
Steve Irwin jumps to his feet, aims a firm blow at the
Presidential Necromancer, tumbles over, and punches the floor as hard as he can. He mutters Australian curses to himself and rolls over to approach Roosevelt, who
...nimbly steps away from the attacks of Stevo’s bionic ear, kicks the Australian away with a forceful blow, and laughs down at the pitiful attacks of his opponent.
"You think I am scared of death? Hahaha! Such will be your downfall! Hahaha!”DOUBLEARMFACE
“Of death?” rhetorically asks
Davy Crockett as he steps up.
“No sir: I’m pretty sure you can withstand death, Mr President. But can you withstand THIS?”...The burning Davy Crockett leaps forward as if possessed by the spirit of the enormous Hebridean sheep-frog, opening his jaws as wide as he can right in
Roosevelt’s face, revealing the full glorious horror of the arms, brains and bits of liver visible through his gaping faceholes. He swears he can just make out a tiny reflection in the soulless eyes of the President, and just as he manages to retain mastery of his retch reflex the struggling President opens his mouth.
All witnesses present would, in later days, complain that the majestic spectacle of Niagara Falls was henceforth ruined for them, having seen the awe inspiring vomit-olanche that next spewed forth from the gaping maw of the Necromancer.For yea! Theoderm Roosevelt is grievously struck down, an endless torrent of hard-boiled eggs, waffles and half-digested pheasant from the night before shoots out at a speed that knocks the unfortunate Davy Crockett dripping to the floor! His clothes, under the overactive digestive juices of a trained President, begin to sizzle and dissolve. As Roosevelt continues to thrust out the acrid aftermath of his breakfast, his body refuses to recognise it is empty, and pushes out morsels of internal organ: guts, kidneys, slivers of slimy damp lung; all find themselves flung out across the room and upon his enemies!
The President slumps to his knees.
Paul McCartney hobbles a little closer to THEODERM ROOSEVELT and sets of a beam of PURE LOVE from his guitar at him!
"Keep him down, boys! Shouldn't be long 'til the battle's over!" shouts
McCartney, mercifully free from the worst of
Roosevelt’s intestinal holocaust.
Pointing his guitar at the all-but-beaten foe, he strums out a forceful yet gentle beam of love.
...If anything, Paul just feels a little more depressed about things than he did before he touched his guitar.
He sits down on a nearby chair, suddenly feeling a little despondent.
Fire the laser at the monster Zombie, then attempt up to fix any bowienauts I can (Use the medic arm to quench/heal to.)
Rather than mope like some of his floppy-haired friends,
Archimedes decides to act. He immediately fires his laser at the monstrous zombie spider thing, but,
...clearly blinded by the spray of vomit shotgunned into his face by
Roosevelt, he entirely misses, only managing to set a nearby coffee table on fire.
Wiping the gut-evacuation from his eyes and cheeks, he suddenly clearly sees his fellow bowienaut severely burning. He gingerly makes his way over, tiptoeing through the river of sick before blasting
Davy Crockett in the guts with his
...stupendously powerful arm-mounted water cannon!
Crockett flies backwards, smashing his skull against the wall behind and immediately bringing both hands up to his now ripped apart and severely bleeding guts!
At least they’re not burning!
Wound Acquired: Davy Crockett:
Very Heavily Bleeding Guts!Propelled by the immense recoil, Archimedes also flies backwards, smashing straight into
Zombie Tesla!
...Zombie Tesla immediately bends down to chew on his miraculously delivered meal, but slips over in the stream of water and vomit, leaving Archimedes free to wriggle away.
...Luckily it seems Tesla’s electric capabilities have not yet fully recharged in his zombie form!
Leonidas summons an army of Spartans to help him look for the Timelord's drugs.
Just then, the peaceful scene of gutjuice drenched carnage is interrupted by a piercing scream.
...A passing honey badger skeleton is gnawing hungrily on
King Leonidas of Sparta’s left buttock! That’s his favourite buttock! Leonidas turns round in a flash, burning heavily as he
...smashes the honey badger skeleton harmlessly in the face with his extra manly bronze shield! Frustrated by his failure, he screams out an angry roar.
“SPARTANS! TO ME! TONIGHT, WE DINE ON THEODERM ROOSEVELT!” “Feckin’ stupid badger,” he adds, under his breath. Suddenly there’s an enormous noise and hundreds upon hundreds of Spartan warriors rush into the room, somehow all fitting in and grouping around their leader. They ahistorically beat their shields and shout into the air.
“FOR SPARTA! FOR DINNER! FOR DRUGS!”
To a man
the Spartan army shoulder their shields and drop to their hands and knees, scrabbling about on the floor for Bowie’s drugs.
Suddenly the antechamber turns dark and there is a cold, black, rushing wind blasting from all sides into the centre of the room.
“Aha! Come then, my oldest and last rival! We shall duel properly, this time. En garde, sucker!"The assembled bowienauts, peering between the hundreds of Spartans, first see
Theoderm Roosevelt raising his fists. They turn to his opponent.
Death himself has appeared in the antechamber!
“So…” says Death.
“You have decided to resist my advances once more, Roosevelt? Knowing full well that to do so may spell doom for all around? Knowing that you shall be cast unto the fiery pits of Neasden for all eternity? Yet still you come not silently? LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO FRANCE THE LAST TIME, ROOSEVELT!”“Bwahahahah! Yes! Come and get me, Death! I will punch your bony face right in! I would let that happen to France a thousand times and show no remorse! I am a proud American, and you, Death, you are totally going down!”Just as Death raises his scythe above his head a shout goes out amongst the assembled Spartans.
“King Leonidas! We have found the drugs! Gods be praised!”Death brings his scythe down, only for Theoderm Roosevelt to sidestep to the left and bring his fist of iron smashing into Death’s jawbone.
The severed part flies off in an arc!
“You bastard, Roosevelt! I’m going to give your scrotum to my Labrador as a handbag chew toy, you ungodly fiend! Wait, how come I can still talk? OH YES, BECAUSE I AM DEATH! Kneel, Roosevelt, that this may be quick and painless for you!”Theoderm Roosevelt sidesteps back to the right and nuts Death in the right cheek.
The severed part flies off in an arc!
“You shit, Roosevelt! I’m going to-“Roosevelt ducks down and punches Death in the groin!
The severed part flies off in an arc!
Death begins crawling away on the floor towards his severed crotch. Theoderm Roosevelt, cracking his knuckles and preparing his stomping boots, walks slowly after him.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash and an electric blue light fills the room.
“Whoa dudes,” says
the Magnificent Timelord Bowie as he gets to his feet.
“That was pretty freaky, man. I think something happened to the space time whatnot. Oh shit, what’s Roosevelt doing here again? Trying to resuscitate my dear departed bowienauts? And Death? What the hell are you doing here dude? Whoa, Roosevelt’s really smacked you up this time, eh. Oh hey, Spartan army. Thanks for finding my drugs, man. Men. Good work.”David Bowie walks up to
Theoderm Roosevelt and places his hand upon the American’s shoulder.
“Look dude. I’m gonna let you go again this time. But next time! Next time I will totally smack you down and let that death geezer take you, man. These are the greatest heroes of mankind, dude! I can’t let you desecrate their corpses like that. Well, not again.” Just then David Bowie feels a tugging pain on his ankle. He looks down.
Zombie Tesla is chewing his leg!
“Whoa, shit dude!” shouts Bowie, mildly alarmed.
“Zombie Tesla! Get down, man, or I’m-“Zombie Tesla keeps chewing his leg!
“That’s not cool man. Hey, be pacified by the Power of Sequins!” A spurt of sequin energy shoots from Bowie’s
crotch eyes, blasting Zombie Tesla back to the floor, and deanimatifying him!
“And you!” continues Bowie, turning back to the American President and staring with slight irritation.
“Get back to whence you came and stuff, man!”David Bowie picks up Theoderm Roosevelt with his right hand, and throws him right through a nearby gap in the space time continuum!
“And you! Death!” says the Magnificent Timelord, turning to Death.
“Pick up you crotch and bugger off, mate. We’ve no need for you here.”“And you! Crockett!” finishes Bowie, turning to
Davy Crockett.
“You’re bloody well on fire, mate.”
HOSPITAL INTERLUDE
“Whoa dudes. You’re pretty beaten up, man. Men. We’re gonna get you fixed up extra quick, ‘cause I’ve got a pretty hairy mission I need you to go on. Yeah man, you’ve taken out ChairMan Miaow! You’ve taken out both ROBOSTALIN and SPEEDOSTALIN, earning us all the eternal hatred of 60s Sean Connery in the process! So far you have handled all your tasks with bravery and aplomb! But still. Our scientists have calculated that there’s just totally no way you will be able to take out dinoHITLER without suffering over 200% casualties, and that’s just not something I’m willing to risk. So, heavy as it sounds, I’m gonna have to send you back in time, man. I’m gonna have to send you to…”CHAPTER THREE: BOWIENAUTS AND DINOHITLER’S MUM
“Oh, first though, let’s see to your wounds. You know,” says
Bowie, glancing up at his first patient,
“I’m almost totally partially medically qualified, man. Not many people know that about me. And I’m totally off my face on all these drugs. Yeah.”STEVE IRWIN: SEVERED LEFT FOOT: ...REPLACED WITH FULLY FUNCTIONING LEFT FOOT. KEEP REPLACEMENT Y/N? REJECT REPLACEMENT Y/N? TRY AGAIN FOR KEEPS Y/N?
PAUL MCCARTNEY: SEVERED LEFT LEG: ...REPLACED WITH FULLY FUNCTIONING KEYBOARD LEG. KEEP REPLACEMENT Y/N? REJECT REPLACEMENT Y/N? TRY AGAIN FOR KEEPS Y/N?
DAVY CROCKETT: SEVERED LEFT LEG: ...REPLACED WITH FULLY SEVERED LOWER BODY. KEEP REPLACEMENT Y/N? REJECT REPLACEMENT Y/N? TRY AGAIN FOR KEEPS Y/N?“Er. Whoops. Sorry Davy. Totally hallucinated a flying monkey making a spider web all over your groin. It’s the best I could do, man! Now, you ready guys? Let’s go!”
“Right. So. We’ve detected dinoHITLER’s mum at a reasonably fixed point on this one plane, see. So I’m gonna hurl you down there, you’re gonna track her down, and you’re gonna persuade her never to have children. Or murder her. Up to you. Foolproof, eh?”Bowie turns to the ceiling and speaks in a commanding and clear voice.
“Activate TVC ONE FIVE.”A large electric blue screen drops from the ceiling on one side of the room.
“Ready? Go!”Suddenly Bowie grabs each of the bowienauts in turn by the collar, hurling them one handed at the screen!
There’s a strange sensation of flight, then a feeling of being very still; a flash of lights, a feeling of being alone in the corner of a room on a dank Saturday night, a strange, stomach churning noise. There’s a brief wave of purple.
The bowienauts tumble onto the ground one by one.
They look about.
All around is dense jungle.
“So… er… can you hear me, over? DinoHITLER’S mum should be about 2 clicks to the north west, our readings seem to indicate. Good luck.” Suddenly there is a rustling noise in the undergrowth. Then a stomping noise. Then a fearsome roar.
“RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!” says the Tyrannosaurus Rex, stomping into the tiny clearing and towering over the bowienauts.
“FORCES OF THE EVIL SCIENTIST, REPENT! YOU ARE SURROUNDED!” The dinosaur stops talking to point with his deformed looking arm towards a tree behind the bowienauts, who turn to see a pterodactyl swoop down from it and land behind them.
“SUBMIT, THAT WE MAY EAT YOU IN PEACE!”No map yet. You are in a small clearing surrounded by jungle. DinoHITLER’S mum is suspected to be 2km to the north west.
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECT:None.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Four Veteran Crocodile Hunter
Status: -1 to left arm. -1 to kicking.
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate,
Bionic Right Ear.
Wounds: [HP: 100/100] |
Severed Left Arm |
Severed Left Foot!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Loads’a blood, mate! Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Four Veteran Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. -1 to left leg use. +1 to impressing the ladies. Covered in blood and sick.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Severed Left Leg!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
It’s Getting Better All The Time,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Four Veteran King of the Wild Frontier
Status: -1 to athletic movement. Naked.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed left arm (in face),
Doublearmface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Left Leg!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
Multikilll! You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Four Veteran Philosopher
Status: Naked. Covered in sick.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun,
Medical Water Elemental Left Arm.
Wounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Hippocratic Oath,
Absent Minded! Shit. Just… sorry for the wait dudes. Hopefully a bit of dinoHITLER and dinoCOMBAT will get it moving along again.
You need to post an action regarding your healed wounds, if you have any, and also in response to the dinosaur situation currently developing.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 248564 times)