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Author Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued  (Read 249363 times)

Chink

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Calling Rasputin and McCartney!
« Reply #465 on: June 22, 2012, 10:58:27 pm »

Rasputin: Engage the dwarf in a contest of mighty BEARDS!
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Caellath

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Calling Rasputin and McCartney!
« Reply #466 on: June 22, 2012, 11:16:10 pm »

Rasputin: Engage the dwarf in a contest of mighty BEARDS!
BEARD-ARM WRESTLING!
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"Hey steve." You speak into the air.
>Yes?
"Could you guys also make a hamburger out of this arm when they cut it off? I wanted to eat it just for the sake of tasting it."
>That is horrible and disgusting. It will no doubt set you apart and create fear in your team mates. So of course.

empfan

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Calling Rasputin and McCartney!
« Reply #467 on: June 23, 2012, 12:01:20 am »

Rasputin: Engage the dwarf in a contest of mighty BEARDS!
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lawastooshort

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The Magnificent Timelord: Bowienauts at Speedograd. Turn Twenty Seven.
« Reply #468 on: June 28, 2012, 02:55:04 am »

TURN TWENTY SEVEN PART ONE

DOUBLEARMFACE the dwarf!



"What are we doing here, boys?” asks Paul McCartney. “We're just flailing around as the dwarf gets the best of us! Come on, time to fight!"

“You're right!” realises Davy Crockett, stirred by McCartney's rousing call to arms. Hmm... he thinks, arms...

"Hey beardy, look at this!"

Rushing up to the armoured doom machine, Davy Crockett pulls back the cat mask he'd almost forgotten he was wearing and thrusts his hideous facial wound right into the helmet's eye slots! ...At first nothing appears to happen, although a mild feeling of extreme nausea passes over Davy as he briefly catches a glimpse of his own grotesque arm configuration in the shining reflection of the masterwork helm; then, slowly, disturbing noises resound from the depths of the dwarf.

Like an ancient statue the dwarf stands still as he gurgles and retches, horrified at having finally seen the most repulsive thing in his long existence. Like an ancient warrior facing defeat, he longs for a noble death, rather than the shame of drowning in his own gut-spume. Like an ancient volcano, his vomit bursts forth, spraying violently out of the armour's neck joint as he desperately removes his helmet and flings it disgustedly to the floor!

The dwarf's vomit flows endlessly forth like vengeful lava from a long-dormant volcano, covering the once shiny armour with rivulets of scorching dwarven stomach acid; as he reaches the bottom of his retch-pit his convulsions become ever more violent, spraying spittles of repulsion back into his vile offender's face.

Davy Crockett lowers his facial vomit catmask protection unit. He steps back several feet. Exhausted by regurgitation, the dwarf collapses to the floor. Stinking stomach liquid drools out of the joins in his armour. An acrid stench floats over the battlefield.

Fire

Left arm followed by laser, and if possible, guns.



Archimedes is astounded. How could it be physically possible for one so small to vomit so profusely? He will never know until the day he accidentally catches sight of Crockett's hideous deformation in several chapters' time and even then he will probably not know, for he will be too occupied vomiting himself. Alas, for such are the vagaries of science! One asks a great question; one searches for an age; and then one vomits oneself senseless at the moment of triumphant climax! 'Tis a fate many men meet.

Without taking the time to think precisely about what he is doing, the pioneering scientist checks his solar laser array is ready.

It is.

He sets it to fire, and as it warms from the moon's fiery rays he aims his new arm at the vomit-stricken dwarf who is by now rising back to his feet. A strain of fearsome and intense concentration writes itself upon the Greek’s noble face: ...suddenly a stream of perfectly clean bandages shoots out of the strange watery arm, wrapping and wrapping around the dwarf like the spaghetti of a fevered madman!

“Noooo!” shouts Archimedes, “Not the bandages! Water! The dwarf is mortally afraid of water! Not bandages! Blast and confoundation!”

...Just as he manages to bring his arm under control, and just as a gap in the bandages mummifying the dwarf flashes a set of perfectly healed teeth, Archimedes’ moon-powered laser gun bursts into action, igniting the mass of dwarf-wrapping and, indeed, igniting the dwarf!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Burning!

Quote from: a dwarf
Use the backpack to smash Steve Irwin's remaining arm off.



The dwarf is too busy vomiting to be distracted by mere fire! He charges single-mindedly towards Steve Irwin, ferociously wielding his backpack two-handed as he ...dashes straight past the deadly Australian!

Wrestle the Dwarf again!



Taking advantage of his opponent’s starting to whistle a gentle melody as he runs straight past him, Stevo sticks out a foot, knocks the burning dwarf to the ground, and jumps on top with his wrestling face on!

...Stevo grunts and gurns as the fiery dwarf resists, but suddenly there’s a horrible snap! Stevo’s broken the dwarf’s right arm !

As he rises to his feet in triumph, Steve Irwin realises he is now on fire too!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Broken Right Arm!

Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin: Burning!

Rasputin: Engage the dwarf in a contest of mighty BEARDS!



The dwarf stumbles about in a daze, trailing cinders and burning bandages behind him. Rasputin knows just what to do in the face of such a dangerous fire hazard. Sprinting across the battlefield chin-first, Rasputin’s beard quivers with anticipation, rising almost vertically into the air as he closes with his unrepentant beard-rival.

“Hail!” bellows the beard, “I hereby challenge you to a contest of Mighty Beardery! May the best beard win!”

The dwarven beard manages to restrain his host and stop him stumbling about in blazing circles.

“Hail, fellow beard!” he answers, in the bearden tongue, “I accept yon challenge of noble combat. I shall defeat you beardo-a-beardo and thereby re-establish my rightful supremacy! Prepare to die!”


Round One
Round One. The beards approach each other guardedly; the dwarven beard wary of the Russian’s superior technique, the Russian beard wary of the dwarf’s superior burningness. They circle. The dwarf takes two steps forward. The Russian sidesteps to the left. There is a blinding flash and ...the dwarven beard lashes out! Blood pours down the Russian beard’s beard! Round One to the dwarven beard!


Round Two
Round Two. The Russian beard gets up defiantly from his corner to stand up to the now confident dwarven beard. But no! ...The dwarven beard is not confident, but rash! He leaps forward, tip first, but the Russian beard blocks the blow, catching the curly hairs in his own chin-jungle before returning the strike with doubled ferocity! The dwarven beard staggers back to his corner with a terrible bruise across his beard! Round Two to the Russian beard!


Round Three
Round Three. As his trainer towels him down in the blue corner, Rasputin’s beard suddenly realises he’s caught fire after getting too close to the burning dwarf! ...Wailing with terror and pain he flies through the air into the dwarven corner, jumping onto the beard and smashing down upon his helpless beardy features with all his beardy might. The dwarven beard catches the blow and traps the Russian in a tremendous beard-hug and suddenly the two flaming beards are rolling about erotically in the dusty rubble of Speedograd! First they roll to the left: the bowienauts back off to avoid the flaming bundle of beard-death! Then they roll to the right, and crash straight into the stadium the dwarf was once protecting! The terrible impact of burning but still mighty beard smashes right through the concrete walls of the great tall building, and suddenly it tumbles to the ground in a huge explosion of dust and rubble and flame and beard hair!


The furious turning ball of flame and beard storms off towards the west as the stadium collapses to the ground. After a few seconds the dust begins to settle. A few blocks of concrete move about and roll aside as a naked dwarven head pokes its way through the ruins.

Wound Acquired: Rasputin: Severed Beard!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Severed Beard!

Paul McCartney takes out his CLAYBOARD, flies straight towards the dwarf's head and at the last moment hops off!



Paul McCartney is no stranger to naked dwarven heads but, as he used to tell a disappointed Ringo, it’s a long story. Instead of recounting it, he pulls out his Clayboard and jumps on, flying it straight towards the dwarf’s naked, vomit-smeared, burning and beardless head!

The dwarf, still-vomiting head alone poking out of the forty foot pile of rubble like a stomach juice spurting decorative fountain, hears a whish of air and a whoosh of flying Beatle. He just has the time to turn, and just has the time to wonder what a Beatle is doing flying towards him. ...McCartney leaps off onto the mountain of rubble, and his Clayboard flies straight towards the dwarf’s head. It pierces right through! It smashes the skull! It severs the brain! It tears the tendons in the brain! It bruises the ligaments in the skull! It breaks the face! It fractures the ears!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Pierced Head!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Heavy Bleeding!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Smashed Skull!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Severe Bleeding!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Severed Brain!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Very Heavy Bleeding!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Torn Brain Tendon!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Very Heavy Bleeding!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Bruised Skull Ligaments!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Broken Face!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Severe Bleeding!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Fractured Ears!

Wound Acquired: A dwarf: Light Bleeding!

To the west, the sound of collapsing buildings makes itself heard across the blood-stained battlefield.

The dwarf is dead.
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lawastooshort

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The Magnificent Timelord: Bowienauts at Speedograd. Turn Twenty Seven.
« Reply #469 on: June 28, 2012, 02:57:06 am »

TURN TWENTY SEVEN PART TWO

As the four bowienauts scrabble about in the rubble to free the emasculated Rasputin, they hear the deep thud of the approaching bowiecopter skimming low over the roof tops, minigun bullets whirring out of either side like holy symphonies of good honest freedom.

“There’s Marcos Aurelius, lads!” cries Paul, “Come on, let’s dig Rasputin out of there and then get to safety! I’m pretty sure that nothing unexpected will happen to get between us and freedom!”

Just then the Magnificent Timelord speaks directly into his footsoldiers’ brains.

“Well done, dudes. Good work. ROBOSTALIN is dead, SPEEDOSTALIN has fallen: you’ve increased the average freedom of several billion people by a significant degree! I bet you already feel considerably more powerful than you did before breakfast this morning, but you’re going to have to get back to base and rest before finally feeling the full effects. Marcos is coming in to pick you up, now, you’ve got to be quick, our scans detected some kind of terrible doomsday weapon in the area, but it appears to be heading west directly away from you. Come on, get to the extraction point!”



The bowiecopter shoots gently through the atmosphere towards the Timelord’s orbital space pod, the rear of the cabin a mix of thousand yard stares, bleeding limbs and burning bodies.



“Mon,” says Ranking Joe, the co-pilot, turning towards the bowienauts with a funny cigarette hanging from the corner of his mouth. “You need to put out the fire before it’s armageddon time back there, hear me now?” He hands Steve Irwin a fire extinguisher. “Just be spraying that all over ya face and ya’ll be all right now. Come on my brothers, let’s fast forward to Afr- uh the space pod, ya know what I’m saying? There’s a world in trouble! Check it out!”

Stevo sprays it all over his face and feels all right now.

“Now, the Timelord asked me to tell you, he thinks you might be feeling a bit like a natty superstar, all full of power and that, and you might not be sure what kind of power you be feeling. He said to have a good think on the way back up to the pod, ‘cause there ain’t gonna be no time to lose. I still don’t quite get exactly what he meant but the Timelord says you have …”

…TOTALLY GOT TO CHOOSE YOUR NEXT LEVEL UP!







Spoiler: Detailed Map (click to show/hide)

VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS

EFFECTS IN EFFECT
Spoiler: Archimedes of Syracuse (click to show/hide)
Spoiler: Notes (click to show/hide)
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Talarion

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Bowienauts at Speedograd. Turn Twenty Seven.
« Reply #470 on: June 28, 2012, 05:39:22 am »

I choose loads'a blood, mate!
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10ebbor10

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Bowienauts at Speedograd. Turn Twenty Seven.
« Reply #471 on: June 28, 2012, 05:48:40 am »

Hippocratic Oath, me thinks.
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freeformschooler

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Bowienauts at Speedograd. Turn Twenty Seven.
« Reply #472 on: June 28, 2012, 07:12:08 am »

Ooh, I choose it's getting better all the time.
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Toaster

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Bowienauts at Speedograd. Turn Twenty Seven.
« Reply #473 on: June 28, 2012, 07:59:47 am »

No problem on the short choice list, because I've been wanting to take Multikill for a while now.

Can I combo it with the Boot?
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HMR stands for Hazardous Materials Requisition, not Horrible Massive Ruination, though I can understand how one could get confused.
God help us if we have to agree on pizza toppings at some point. There will be no survivors.

Talarion

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Bowienauts at Speedograd. Turn Twenty Seven.
« Reply #474 on: June 28, 2012, 08:54:43 am »

If it combos with the boot... Oh lawds....

Kick two people at once, using the Boot, and then have those two free ranged attacks hit TWO PEOPLE EACH! That's six kills there, people, yes SIX! (With one Boot!)
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Toaster

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Bowienauts at Speedograd. Turn Twenty Seven.
« Reply #475 on: June 28, 2012, 12:30:15 pm »

(It does)


Coming soon in episode III:  Bowling with Nazis!
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HMR stands for Hazardous Materials Requisition, not Horrible Massive Ruination, though I can understand how one could get confused.
God help us if we have to agree on pizza toppings at some point. There will be no survivors.

empfan

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Bowienauts at Speedograd. Turn Twenty Seven.
« Reply #476 on: June 28, 2012, 02:43:11 pm »

I assume this is where Rasputin makes his leave.

Shouts his goodbyes, then chases after his Beard
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Talarion

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Bowienauts at Speedograd. Turn Twenty Seven.
« Reply #477 on: June 28, 2012, 05:34:52 pm »

I have another question. Do Boone and Boot stack, also? Does Multikill stack on Boone? If so, that's another six down.
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What more do you need?

freeformschooler

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Re: The Magnificent Timelord: Bowienauts at Speedograd. Turn Twenty Seven.
« Reply #478 on: June 28, 2012, 06:00:21 pm »

I fear there would be some side effects trying to harness the manly power of alligator, texas boot and Multikill at once. Catastrophic side effects, you might say.
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Toaster

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HMR stands for Hazardous Materials Requisition, not Horrible Massive Ruination, though I can understand how one could get confused.
God help us if we have to agree on pizza toppings at some point. There will be no survivors.
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