TURN TWENTY SEVEN PART ONE
DOUBLEARMFACE the dwarf!
"What are we doing here, boys?” asks
Paul McCartney.
“We're just flailing around as the dwarf gets the best of us! Come on, time to fight!"“You're right!” realises
Davy Crockett, stirred by McCartney's rousing call to arms.
Hmm... he thinks,
arms..."Hey beardy, look at this!"Rushing up to the armoured doom machine, Davy Crockett pulls back the cat mask he'd almost forgotten he was wearing and thrusts his hideous facial wound right into the helmet's eye slots!
...At first nothing appears to happen, although a mild feeling of extreme nausea passes over Davy as he briefly catches a glimpse of his own grotesque arm configuration in the shining reflection of the masterwork helm; then, slowly, disturbing noises resound from the depths of the dwarf.
Like an ancient statue
the dwarf stands still as he gurgles and retches, horrified at having finally seen the most repulsive thing in his long existence. Like an ancient warrior facing defeat, he longs for a noble death, rather than the shame of drowning in his own gut-spume. Like an ancient volcano, his vomit bursts forth, spraying violently out of the armour's neck joint as he desperately removes his helmet and flings it disgustedly to the floor!
The dwarf's vomit flows endlessly forth like vengeful lava from a long-dormant volcano, covering the once shiny armour with rivulets of scorching dwarven stomach acid; as he reaches the bottom of his retch-pit his convulsions become ever more violent, spraying spittles of repulsion back into his vile offender's face.
Davy Crockett lowers his facial vomit catmask protection unit. He steps back several feet. Exhausted by regurgitation, the dwarf collapses to the floor. Stinking stomach liquid drools out of the joins in his armour. An acrid stench floats over the battlefield.
Fire
Left arm followed by laser, and if possible, guns.
Archimedes is astounded. How could it be physically possible for one so small to vomit so profusely? He will never know until the day he accidentally catches sight of
Crockett's hideous deformation in several chapters' time and even then he will probably not know, for he will be too occupied vomiting himself. Alas, for such are the vagaries of science! One asks a great question; one searches for an age; and then one vomits oneself senseless at the moment of triumphant climax! 'Tis a fate many men meet.
Without taking the time to think precisely about what he is doing, the pioneering scientist checks his solar laser array is ready.
It is.
He sets it to fire, and as it warms from the moon's fiery rays he aims his new arm at the vomit-stricken dwarf who is by now rising back to his feet. A strain of fearsome and intense concentration writes itself upon the Greek’s noble face:
...suddenly a stream of perfectly clean bandages shoots out of the strange watery arm, wrapping and wrapping around the dwarf like the spaghetti of a fevered madman!
“Noooo!” shouts Archimedes,
“Not the bandages! Water! The dwarf is mortally afraid of water! Not bandages! Blast and confoundation!”...Just as he manages to bring his arm under control, and just as a gap in the bandages mummifying the dwarf flashes a set of perfectly healed teeth, Archimedes’ moon-powered laser gun bursts into action, igniting the mass of dwarf-wrapping and, indeed, igniting the dwarf!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Burning!Use the backpack to smash Steve Irwin's remaining arm off.
☺
The
dwarf is too busy vomiting to be distracted by mere fire! He charges single-mindedly towards
Steve Irwin, ferociously wielding his backpack two-handed as he
...dashes straight past the deadly Australian!
Wrestle the Dwarf again!
Taking advantage of his opponent’s starting to whistle a gentle melody as he runs straight past him,
Stevo sticks out a foot, knocks the burning
dwarf to the ground, and jumps on top with his wrestling face on!
...Stevo grunts and gurns as the fiery dwarf resists, but suddenly there’s a horrible snap! Stevo’s broken the dwarf’s right arm !
As he rises to his feet in triumph, Steve Irwin realises he is now on fire too!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Broken Right Arm!Wound Acquired: Steve Irwin:
Burning!Rasputin: Engage the dwarf in a contest of mighty BEARDS!
The
dwarf stumbles about in a daze, trailing cinders and burning bandages behind him.
Rasputin knows just what to do in the face of such a dangerous fire hazard. Sprinting across the battlefield chin-first,
Rasputin’s beard quivers with anticipation, rising almost vertically into the air as he closes with his unrepentant
beard-rival.
“Hail!” bellows the beard,
“I hereby challenge you to a contest of Mighty Beardery! May the best beard win!”The dwarven beard manages to restrain his host and stop him stumbling about in blazing circles.
“Hail, fellow beard!” he answers, in the bearden tongue,
“I accept yon challenge of noble combat. I shall defeat you beardo-a-beardo and thereby re-establish my rightful supremacy! Prepare to die!”UNTOUCHED (Rasputin's Status Modifiers Do Not Apply! This is a Duel Between Beards!)
UNTOUCHED (The Dwarf’s Status Modifiers Do Not Apply! This is a Duel Between Beards!)
Round One. The beards approach each other guardedly; the dwarven beard wary of the Russian’s superior technique, the Russian beard wary of the dwarf’s superior burningness. They circle. The dwarf takes two steps forward. The Russian sidesteps to the left. There is a blinding flash and
...the dwarven beard lashes out! Blood pours down the Russian beard’s beard! Round One to the dwarven beard!
Bleeding from the beard (Rasputin's Status Modifiers Do Not Apply! This is a Duel Between Beards!)
UNTOUCHED (The Dwarf’s Status Modifiers Do Not Apply! This is a Duel Between Beards!)
Round Two. The Russian beard gets up defiantly from his corner to stand up to the now confident dwarven beard. But no!
...The dwarven beard is not confident, but rash! He leaps forward, tip first, but the Russian beard blocks the blow, catching the curly hairs in his own chin-jungle before returning the strike with doubled ferocity! The dwarven beard staggers back to his corner with a terrible bruise across his beard! Round Two to the Russian beard!
Bleeding from the beard (Rasputin's Status Modifiers Do Not Apply! This is a Duel Between Beards!)
Bruised on the beard (The Dwarf’s Status Modifiers Do Not Apply! This is a Duel Between Beards!)
Round Three. As his trainer towels him down in the blue corner, Rasputin’s beard suddenly realises he’s caught fire after getting too close to the burning dwarf!
...Wailing with terror and pain he flies through the air into the dwarven corner, jumping onto the beard and smashing down upon his helpless beardy features with all his beardy might. The dwarven beard catches the blow and traps the Russian in a tremendous beard-hug and suddenly the two flaming beards are rolling about erotically in the dusty rubble of Speedograd! First they roll to the left: the bowienauts back off to avoid the flaming bundle of beard-death! Then they roll to the right, and crash straight into the stadium the dwarf was once protecting! The terrible impact of burning but still mighty beard smashes right through the concrete walls of the great tall building, and suddenly it tumbles to the ground in a huge explosion of dust and rubble and flame and beard hair!
Conjoined Burning Beard Mode Activated! (Rasputin's Status Modifiers Do Not Apply! This is a Duel Between Beards!)
Conjoined Burning Beard Mode Activated! (The Dwarf’s Status Modifiers Do Not Apply! This is a Duel Between Beards!)
The furious turning ball of flame and beard storms off towards the west as the stadium collapses to the ground. After a few seconds the dust begins to settle. A few blocks of concrete move about and roll aside as a naked dwarven head pokes its way through the ruins.
Wound Acquired: Rasputin:
Severed Beard!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Severed Beard!Paul McCartney takes out his CLAYBOARD, flies straight towards the dwarf's head and at the last moment hops off!
Paul McCartney is no stranger to naked dwarven heads but, as he used to tell a disappointed Ringo, it’s a long story. Instead of recounting it, he pulls out his Clayboard and jumps on, flying it straight towards the
dwarf’s naked, vomit-smeared, burning and beardless head!
The dwarf, still-vomiting head alone poking out of the forty foot pile of rubble like a stomach juice spurting decorative fountain, hears a whish of air and a whoosh of flying Beatle. He just has the time to turn, and just has the time to wonder what a Beatle is doing flying towards him.
...McCartney leaps off onto the mountain of rubble, and his Clayboard flies straight towards the dwarf’s head. It pierces right through! It smashes the skull! It severs the brain! It tears the tendons in the brain! It bruises the ligaments in the skull! It breaks the face! It fractures the ears!
Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Pierced Head!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Heavy Bleeding!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Smashed Skull!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Severe Bleeding!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Severed Brain!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Very Heavy Bleeding!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Torn Brain Tendon!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Very Heavy Bleeding!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Bruised Skull Ligaments!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Broken Face!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Severe Bleeding!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Fractured Ears!Wound Acquired: A dwarf:
Light Bleeding!To the west, the sound of collapsing buildings makes itself heard across the blood-stained battlefield.
The dwarf is dead.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 248561 times)