TURN TWENTY FOUR
OHIO LEAP to the pillbox, unleashing a storm of high explosive rounds on the way! Stab/bite any survivors!
”Right, Steve,” says
Davy Crockett, standing up under enemy fire and basking in the glory of his non-burning crotch.
”Let's finish this!”...Without so much as a run up the mighty American leaps into the sky, his inscrutable frontier hardiness blasting the incoming stream of bullets aside. He’s about to point both his arms forwards towards the enemy and assume a horizontal gliding position through the air when he remembers both his arms are in his face, kind of, and are already pointing towards the enemy! Flushed with satisfaction he unleashes a storm of
...a single high explosive round on the pillbox as he comes down to land.
...The round bounces off the thick Nazi concrete! Crockett nimbly jumps off the roof and prepares to ring the doorbell. Suddenly a violent cacophony breaks out!
FLYING EMU TAKEDOWN the pillbox. Or someone within it. *shrug*
”Crikey mate!” says
Steve Irwin, naturally, upon seeing
Davy Crockett glide gracefully through the air.
”That’s a good idea!”...Steve Irwin takes a short Australian style run up before using the power of his raw masculinity and sexy shorts to propel himself through the air like some kind of wallaby-rocket at several hundred miles an hour. Not even giving the three Nazis in the Nazi pillbox time to react, he dodges the stream of bullets and shoots straight through the narrow machine gun slit burning hair first before performing a double backflip and landing on the barrel of the machine gun. He bends it into a u-shape with his tremendous feet in a flash! The machine gunner machine guns himself in the eye!
”Ach!” shout the stereotypical Germans as they see their comrade cut himself down,
”Nein!” They draw their revolvers, but to no avail! First Steve Irwin headbutts the one on the left in the neck,
...severing his head and igniting his neckstump! And then the doorbell rings! The second German walks over to answer the door. He swings the door open.
...Davy Crockett stabs him through the mouth!
”Howdy there, Stevo!” says Davy, as
Boone the Crockofoot Abomination starts munching on the dying German on the ground,
”Do you know your hair is on fire? Come on, let’s meet up with the others. I think they’re just over here!”The two paragons of burning crotch molestation go west.
Run
...Archimedes runs. There are Germans behind him, and a cleared minefield ahead, and then… safety! Respite!
Marcus Aurelius! With his luxurious robes flapping in the wind behind him and his technologically advanced sandals slapping on the ground below him, Archimedes of Syracuse runs.
Follow Archimedes!
"No time for a song, boys! We've gotta get to Aurelius!” shouts
McCartney as
Archimedes runs down the cleared path.
...He follows after the Greek hero as fast as his severed leg and right leg pimp limp allow him! Which is to stay he stumbles flailingly down the path, falling over and grazing his elbows several times. Archimedes storms away into the distance.
Make my way to Paul and the Greek!
...Rasputin, meanwhile, rolls up his beard, tucks it neatly away, and takes leave of his bush, considering taking it with him before coming to the conclusion that his pockets aren’t nearly big enough, even though that never seemed to stop that Greek fellow carrying a vast array of mirrors in his.
The Russian makes his way up his own personalised pathway, and comes to the point where the three ravines meet, in front of a grand sports stadium which looks like it seats about forty thousand people and has been converted from holding sports events to bad political rallies. He sees his four new friends standing before the great concrete monstrosity, and hears the distant sound of an approaching bowiecopter.
Between the bowienauts and the main gates of the stadium there stands a single suit of armour. It seems to be staring at the five men.
McCartney turns to Rasputin to speak.
”Oh, hi Rasputin, glad you’re safe. Every time once of us moves this suit of armour seems to raise its arm. It’s holding some kind of bag. We’re not sure if it’s safe to approach, it seems like some kind of mystical artefact…”Rasputin stares at the undersized steel carapace, and draws in a deep breath. He makes the sign of the cross upon his chest.
”Oh God preserve us,” he mutters,
”The Legendary Protector of the Last Gate! We are doomed! He carries the Evil Bag of Discord! Heaven has turned against us! We will need to use all of our cunning to survive!”A sinister laugh echoes within the suit of steel.
"Ahahahahahaha!"
INTRODUCING: THE LEGENDARY ARMOUR OF DOOM AND ITS WEARER, A DWARF!
Name: A Dwarf
Status: ☺
Inventory: ☼Steel Plate Armour☼,
The Backpack of Tearful TantrumsWounds: [HP:100/100]Skills: Professional Misc. Object User,
Martial Trance,
Alcohol Dependent
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECTNone.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Three Crocodile Hunter
Status: -1 to hearing. -1 to left arm. Burning.
TWO TURNS FROM DEATHInventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate.
Wounds: [HP:9/75] |
Right Ear Ripped Off! |
Severed Left Arm |
Burning Hair!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Croc-rider,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Three Beatle
Status: -1 to athletic movement. -1 to left leg use. +1 to impressing the ladies.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar,
Speedoguts! Clayboard.
Wounds: [HP:62/75] |
Titanium Guts! |
Right Leg Pimp Limp! |
Severed Left Leg!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
Frog Chorus,
Reverse Polarisation,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Three King of the Wild Frontier
Status: -1 to dodge.
Inventory: Bowie Knife,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask,
Miaowskin-facehat, severed left arm (in face),
Doublearmface! Fully Automatic Shoulder Mounted Tank Turret,
The White Speedo of Lumithos.
Wounds: [HP:63/75] |
Severed Left Arm! |
Severed Right Arm |
Bruised Crotch!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
MIGHTY TEXAS BOOT,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Three Philosopher
Status: -2 to left arm.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun.
Wounds: [HP:65/75] |
Bent Left Arm! Broken Left Arm!Skills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Archimedes Heat Ray,
Absent Minded! Player: Empfan
Name: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, Mystic, Black Monk, and Beard Expert
Status: -1 to right arm. -1 to guts.
Inventory: Philosopher’s StoneWounds: [HP: 28/100] |
Severed Right Arm! |
Severed Guts!Skills: Seductive Hypnotist,
Beard of Power,
Lots of Blood! Noble Haters Gonna Hate! Player: adwarf
Name: A Dwarf
Status: ☺
Inventory: ☼Steel Plate Armour☼,
The Backpack of Tearful TantrumsWounds: [HP:100/100]Skills: Professional Misc. Object User,
Martial Trance,
Alcohol Dependent I wrote that his robes were billowing in the wind behind him, but then I couldn’t remember if in fact Archimedes was still naked? He was at one point.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249459 times)