CHAPTER ONE: TURN TWENTY SIX
Hop in, take the wheel, pick up the Aussie and get out!
"Good idea, boss!” shouts
Crockett over the intercom,
“Um, how do you maneuver this carriage?"“Man, this ain't no ordinary carriage, son! It's a bloody pimpmobile! Well, actually, no, they prefer I call it the courtesanmobile nowadays... Anyway... But don't worry, it’s easy, man! You just uh… er… Emma?! Head on down there and show Mr Crockett how to operate this thing, will you? And… uh… try to shield your eyes…” Off we go, I guess. (Does Multiply That give bonuses to aggressive driving? if yes, do that)
“Hello. Do you mind if I call you Emma? Is that… Miss Emma? Would you mind terribly if I observed whilst you explain how to operate this vehicle?”
“You er… you like to watch, Mr Archimedes?”
“Please, call me… uh… just Archimedes… You know, I’m a professional mathematician…”
“Fascinating…”
“Yes, quite. You know, when you’ve finished with Mr Crockett, I could show you some particularly fascinating angles, if you know what I mean…”
“Er…”
“Look…”Suddenly
Archimedes starts waving his arms in the air and chanting Pi to several dozen decimal places! He mentions degrees! He mentions multiplying this! He mentions multiplying that!
Miss Emma’s eyes glaze over!
“Er… Mr Archimedes, I’ve really got to go! Oh gosh! Oh no! Put that away!”Miss Emma jumps through the floorhatch into the passenger seat next to
Mr Crockett!
“Nobody ever wants to check out my scroll of Pi,” mumbles Archimedes of Syracuse.
“Not smooth, my man,” comments
Marcus Aurelius.
“That was business, man… you shouldn’t try to mix recitals of Pi with hot ladi-er I mean business with pleasure, gnome sayin'?”“What?”“Yeah… never mind… Laura? You get Mr Archimedes here a nice cool drink, will you? And uh… try to uh… try to shield your ears…”Paul relaxes in the vehicle as he looks for something to patch himself up with.
"Argh, uh..." moans
Paul, collapsed and bleeding a little in the back.
“I wonder if there’s anything here to patch me up with? Hmm, wonder what this button do-oh, hello there, ladies… Paul McCartney, Last Beatle, at your service - but you can call me Paul.”“My name’s Cindy!”
“Hello Paul! I’m Candy!”
“I bet you are… er… or… something.”Suddenly
Marcus Aurelius pops his head down the backseat floorhatch.
“You ok there Paul? Archimedes said you were hurt pretty bad, son, but if you’re capable of holding a civilised non-mathematics based conversation I’d welcome you up top in the hot tub with me and the rest of the girls… Gotta be quick though, because we’re leaving as soon as Davy figures out the controls, and if you want in the hot tub, you gotta be in the hot tub before those rocket boosters kick in...”"Ya' know, lad, with cool swag like this, I'd be surprised if ya' weren't a Timelord yourself."“Ha! A Timelord? No sir – there's only one Timelord I've ever met, you know? Although there's several of him. It's a little confusing. I'll tell you about it one day if we get the chance. You know, all of us here owe a bloody tremendous debt to the Timelord, he's not called the Magnificent for nothing... Anyway, that's for some other time, I’m heading back up. I need a backrub.”
Giggles suddenly break through over the
courtesanmobile intercom.
“Mr Aurelius? I think Mr Crockett has got the feel of things now! We can go!”“Uh okay… everybody on board? Ok girls, here we go! Initiate booster activation countdown.”“Boosters preparing to activate in 20.”“Seal roof for takeoff.”“Roof sealed!”“Stabilise hot tub.”“Hot tub stabilised!”“Plot a course for the orbital space pod and press that button, baby! Ooh! Lower! Lower a bit more! Oh yeah, just there!”“Is that nice, Mr Aurelius?”“Yeah baby, you know, that’s the best backrub I’ve had since… well… probably last night… or uh... maybe this morning…”Pick up? BAH! Surf that Croc to the courtesanmobile, before jumping off and into the car! Then fix that damned wound!
“Er… Mr Aurelius? Can we stop the rocket booster ignition countdown?”“Hey baby, you know we can’t do that… what’s up?”“It’s Mr Irwin… he’s not on board!”“Oh shoot… I thought everybody was on board? If he’s not bloody well on board then where the devil is he?”“He’s… he’s riding after us on a crocodile, sir! Sir! We only have 15 seconds till rocket booster ignition!”Marcus Aurelius jumps up from his position in the Jacuzzi and strolls over to the nearest window. He winds it down and sticks his head out.
“Stevo!”“Don’t go without me, fellas!”“Stevo! We aren’t gonna leave you to the communists, man! Now listen up! Can you get any more speed out of that thing?”“What, this croc? Sure thing mate, I’m the bleedin’ king of croc racing, mate!”“Ok, well, we’ve only got one go at this, so you got to get it right first time. Hold her steady at 50, that’s the slowest we can go without setting the rockets off prematurely! Now, keep her in a straight line, Stevo! Don’t let her budge!”“Ok mate, I’ve got her in a straight line – but I can’t go any faster mate, I can’t catch up with you!”“That’s ok Stevo, you don’t have to go any faster… you just have to stand up and surf that damn crocodile. Now, hold on, I’m gonna get naked…”“Er…”“Don’t worry, it’s just to whip off my toga belt this time. Now, you ready? When I throw you this end, you got to grab hold, son… You ready?”“Ready!”Suddenly, just as
Marcus Aurelius is about to throw his lengthy toga belt to the croc-surfing Irwin behind the
courtesanmobile, the nearby collapsing pyramid explodes! Marcus Aurelius is nearly thrown out of the speeding
courtesanmobile window! A chorus of high-pitched screams rings out!
“No! Marcus!”
“Mr Aurelius! No!”Several courtesans leap like flying fish across the surface of the hot tub and grab a firm hold on the naked Pimperator's ankles!
The horizontal Aurelius launches his toga belt towards
Steve Irwin,
...who totally manages to catch it one-handed whilst using his other hand to keep control of the speeding crocodile!
“Yee-ha!” yells the Aussie, trailing some thirty feet behind the courtesanmobile as the rocket boosters ignite.
“Yee-haaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggg!”The
courtesanmobile shoots into the night sky to safety!
… … … … … …
As he's about to sit back and recline in the bubbling hot tub,
Marcus suddenly feels a gentle whisper in his ear.
“Uh... Marcus? What's going to happen to Mr Irwin when we break through the atmosphere towards the Timelord's orbital space pod? You know, with him being on the outside and all?”“Er... shit.”… … … … … …
“Don't worry Marcus, I got your back mate, just like in Germany... switching to general bowiemergency channel in 3, 2, 1. This is the Magnificent Timelord to Steve Irwin, over?”“Uh... this is Steve Irwin, over. Er, no, wait, not over yet mate – I'm uh... I'm on a crocodile behind the pimpmobile, mate, and it's getting a little tricky to breath up here.”“Over?”“Oh yeah, sorry. Over.”“Hey, I told him it's not the Pimpmobile anymore David, they don't like it when I call it tha-”“Yeah, it's not the time Marcus. Look, Stevo? I'm gonna need you to get naked, okay?”“Er...”“No, really. No time for arguing, man – look, in about 10 seconds you and the pi- uh, sorry, courtesanmobile are going to break through the Earth's atmosphere. You're going to be under pressure, and worse, there's no oxygen up here. So I need you to get naked and to wrap those khaki shorts of your around your face, okay? Khaki shorts were the main component in the Soviet space program in my home timeline, and we all- damn, sorry, no time. You got five seconds Stevo, get them damn khaki shorts on your face! And hold tight!”… … … … … …
Suddenly the
tens of thousands of communists milling purposelessly about in the jungle below the rapidly ascending
courtesanmobile see a bright flash in the night sky as the pimped up car and its crocodile trailer burst through the Earth's atmosphere.
“Did you hear that comrade?”
“What?”
“I swear I heard some kind of... muffled Aussie voice or something?”
“Really?”
“Yeah... I swear on ChairMan Miaow's venerable soul, I heard it cry out... something... something about...”
“About what, comrade?”
“I dunno, it kind of sounded a bit like...”
“A bit like what, brother?”“What a beauty! Crikeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!”Er, I didn't draw one this time. I guess you could imagine one if you want?
END OF CHAPTER ONE
VITAL STATISTICS OF THE BOWIENAUTS
EFFECTS IN EFFECTNone.
Player: Talarion
Name: Steve Irwin, Level Two Crocodile Hunter
Status: -1 to ranged attacks. -1 to smelling. Bleeding hard.
Inventory: Khaki Shorts, Mate.
Wounds: [HP:25/75] |
Broken Left Eye! |
Fractured Nose! |
Severe Thigh Bleeding! |
Heavy Knee Bleeding!Skills: Croc Wrestler,
Flying Emu Crocodile Takedown Move,
Oh Shit Is That... Player: freeformschooler
Name: Paul McCartney, Level Two Beatle
Status: -1 to movement rolls. -1 to left leg use.
Inventory: Acoustic Guitar Wounds: [HP:43/75] |
Broken Guts! |
Fractured Right Leg! |
Light Foot Bleeding!Skills: The Power of Gentle Loving,
That's a Catchy Tun-arrgh!,
I'm Not a Fighter, Man! Player: Toaster
Name: Davy Crockett, Level Two King of the Wild Frontier
Status: -1 to two handed melee weaponry. -1 to movement. Bleeding.
Inventory: Bowie Knife, Flintlock Rifle,
Boone,
Facial Protection Catmask!,
Miaowskin-facehat, fractured and severed left arm (in face),
Armface.
Wounds: [HP:32/75] |
Fractured Left Arm! |
Severed Left Arm! |
Heavily Bleeding Skull Fat! |
Fractured Left Ear! |
Broken Left Foot! |
Heavily Bleeding Left Foot!Skills: Crack Shot,
Ohio Leap,
You May All Go to Hell... Player: 10ebbor10
Name: Archimedes of Syracuse, Level Two Philosopher
Status: -1 to left arm.
Inventory: A Remarkably Good Approximation of Pi, PPSh-41 Submachine Gun, two clips,
Chinese first aid kit,
M60 Machine Gun.
Wounds: [HP:75/75] |
Fractured Left Arm!Skills: Multiply This! Literal Mathemagics,
Absent Minded! Player: DigitalHellhound
Name: Marcus Aurelius, Courtesan Commander
Status: Inventory: Marcus Aurelius Don't Need No Inventory, Fool. His Robes Don't Even Got Pockets.
Wounds: [HP:75/75]Skills: Courtesanmobile,
Lay-deez,
Pimp's Dignity.
Is Digital actually playing Marcus on the side?
Via the miracle of PMing, yes.
Also – 5, 2, 3 and 6, if you wondered.
Edit: Please hold on for the Interlude.
Author
Topic: The Magnificent Timelord - Epilogued (Read 249629 times)