If this is a first-try in order to refine your raw style, then I think I should point out any and all mistakes, even if I am sure you already know, as repetition would aid in this endeavor.
Your drive to improve is admirable, SaintofWar.
The lightning arced over and around me, exerting a terrible pressure. But it could not touch me.
This would read better as one sentence, as this is fragmentary (to no stylistic effect) and the pause of the period is then too great to flow smoothly.
No matter how hard she tried - her effort corresponding with the pulse of the devastating arcane energies - she could not overcome the defenses my blade provided.
The information between the hyphens is parenthetical—it does not effect the sentence’s effect in any way—and thus feels almost as an afterthought. The section could be restructured to make it pertinent.
For example:
The devastating arcane energies pulsed through her red-hot sword, though it could not touch me, no matter how hard she tried—she could not overcome the defenses my blade provided. Our swords, they were intertwined, mine black as moonless night but hers set against it, with its streams of liquid metal flowing down the fuller, was now its moon.As the author you can fashion any scene to your needs. This could have easily been two mundanes sparring while Redemption yelled corrections and instructions, if you really wanted to get to the world-building.
hers was glowing red hot with streams of liquid metal flowing down the fuller.
This is meant to the say that the sword was red with heat, correct? If so, it should be hyphenated as
red-hot, as it most often is, to not be misread as
hers was glowing red, hot with streams of liquid metal flowing down the fuller, which instead requires a comma as inserted here.
The sword would glow if it was red-hot, so
“glowing” is redundant.
"It's not enough, Toka." I whispered.
“I whispered” is a dialog tag, thus part of the same sentence as the dialog it is connected, and it should follow a comma instead of a period. If the dialog comes after, a comma should follow the dialog tag.
thunderous rumble
This is redundant, thunder already rumbles and it is to be expected from lightning.
It was not, however, her beauty that made me choose her; It was her martial instinct.
“however” is out of place for there is no comma there otherwise and
“It was not” cannot stand on its own.
The semicolon would be better as a colon, the point would so be delivered with greater force befitting of her talents.
the fallen tree
It was not established what tree this was, leaving doubt if it was the only tree there and it happened to have fallen over, or if there were many trees but this was the only one that had fallen over;
a fallen tree would flow smoother because it does not raise potential questions such as these in the mind of the reader
"To Negotiate, it means to draw energy within yourself from the plane of your affinity, output it through your Gate, in accordance with the Origin of the object in question, along with it's Record. For example, negotiating wood to burn is in accord with it's Origin, but wet wood would resist you."
The first sentence should remove the comma and
“it” from directly after
“To Negotiate” to flow better.
it’s is a contraction of
it is,
its is the possessive form, similar to
hers.
The pebble in my hand caught fire.
The way this is written is as if the pebble acted on its own. If it is not mentioned that Redemption lighted the pebble then that leaves the possibility that Toka or some other person did it. It is generally good to write in the active voice, as usually the actor is the interesting one and not the object that is acted upon.
"You need to learn to Compel."
"To compel is to ignore the Origin, and to some extent even the Record."
The capitalization of
Compel is inconsistent.
As the following silence dragged on, I was carefully selecting my next words to invigorate the conversation.
The progressive tense makes this sentence feel cumbersome and like a summary rather than that time passed.
more fully
This is an illogical construction: if Toka is already fully turned, then she cannot turn any more fully.
"Hmm," I never really thought about it in detail before.
This is not a dialog tag and thus the dialog should not end with a comma.
Our current names are merely rough translations of our True name.
“translations” is plural but it refers to the singular
“True name”.
She nodded her head.
This is redundant; there is no indication that it is in the figurative sense and she cannot nod with anything but her head.
Because we are not part of the Pattern, the Bridge to the planes of affinities other than our Origin, the Record, the Pattern and even the Radix, resists us.
The construction of this sentence makes it difficult to parse. If I understand correctly, this restructuring means the same:
We are not part of the Pattern, the Bridge to the planes of affinities other than our Origin, and because of that the Record, the Pattern, and even the Radix resists us.
Once more, she nodded her head, even though I did not think whether she fully understood.
“whether” should not be there as the sentence suffices without it and no alternative to be considered was introduced. It feels as if the sentence also tried to be
even though I was not sure whether she fully understood.
But she did not listen, instead, she paced back to the sword she discarded before, picked it up and stared at the ruined tip.
The comma after
“instead” should not be there and it makes the beginning of the sentence awkward.
I blinked, standing up from the trunk.
This gives the impression that Redemption got up in the span of a blink, and renders the sense that Toka gave him pause moot.
At the moment I drew my sword, her sword, which was encased in a black and scarlet fire, struck mine. The outside of the gaseous-like flame was a deep scarlet, while the inside was a pitch black, with tiny glimmering specks, like stars themselves.
The description of the fire repeats itself.
“a pitch black” does not work—pitch is not a modifier for color, so
“a” needs to be removed in order to compare the color to tar.
I cannot comprehend what
“gaseous-like flame” means. Is the flame behaving like a fog or a cloud?
A blast of black, shadowy, energy emanating from me swept away the black and scarlet fire, sending Toka tumbling to the ground.
The way this is written it seems as if the energy acted on its own.
The comma after
“shadowy” disconnects it from the follow sentence, but it cannot apply to the preceding words either, causing a jarring skip in the flow.
Even as the unraveling corruption reached the hilt, and she was forced to let go, it remained floating in the air, perfectly still, until it was completely gone.
The comma after
“hilt” should not be there and interrupts the flow.
"Let's call the skill that let you erase the Origin unravel."
Should “
unravel” not be capitalized like the other powers and concepts?
I can certainly feel the improvement, SaintofWar. Well done.
Redemption’s demonstrations make his explanations far more interesting, both showing his words in effect and allowing the reader to grasp the concept in his own way.
As always, if I made a mistake I would welcome any corrections, and if you want me to clarify just ask.