=Err, let's get expressive ._. First time I've ever written something personalTomorrow is only one exam. Friday. 3-4pm. Educational Psychology. And reflecting on it all has me thinking.
I'm terrified--not of my grades, albeit that matters as they're in the line of 7 (grades here are from 60-100, though both extremes of 100 and 60-74 are hardly reached, with the latter equaling a failing mark) because of how I mess up in identification tests, which comprises a core part of what my instructor gave; she's a great teacher and one of the best I have learned from, and certainly not the cause or related to it at all! I've worked with myself, through my closest buddy I could work with since ever (ie Intrapersonal) and re-unveiled through self-searching why I'm messing up in identification tests whereas I ace all my tests a few years back because what intervenes is rooted to third-party pressure and concerns; if I've got pressures from other sources non-academic (say, someone bothering me
deeply or being used as an emotional punching bag or lacking reciprocity in communication), it weighs me and my memory down.
My memory is a big factor: I have a very...vivid one, and the '
selectivity' of it is what's keeping me sad and terrified about anything in the futuristic sense. Usually, there are many instances which require memory-on-call, and I can't bring that to the fore due to that one mention above--and it has turned into a cyclic resonance with how I work with things. At one moment I get a very insightful notice of what I'm observing, say reading a post online or pondering on a complex theory, abstract or otherwise, then when I get to noting it down or constructing a note or any
simple cue to take it in memory...it blanks from my mental eye.
It has been happening these past years and has contributed to a lowered grade (not to mention other matters involving requests and me working with anything interactive), that only recently I've noticed this with insight. This is only affecting me now because of the
prospect of it happening in the future: the outline of the concept of a ghost, or an abstracted fear
per se. And compared to how I work realistically ("<Tiruin>, we're concerned because your grades don't match your potential and how you are"), it's something that I'm capable of facing alone without mention to anyone.
But it terrifies me that this root problem is centered in the one place where I find mortal solace, in the place where I meet thought and abstraction. I 'forget', and this pretense affects how I interact:
procrastination, facing that cynical voice in mind that
puts the tone of hopelessness in anything I see or act on,
consolidating what I've learned for easier retention in a way I
want to learn...that I could see the impact of one's mood and temperament affecting how they think in a
procedural, linear method. It terrifies me that I could have so easily slipped so many times before. As a counter-weight, I am deeply grateful anytime someone gives me insight, or a shift of perspective into what I see. These create most of the memories I have, spun and worked into words I could use and mention.
Every day I'm reminded of that one 'memory' a long time "at" birth. A memory that got me enjoying every day as if it was my last--though also a memory that makes me wonder what true fear or other parallels even feel. I dislike forgetting and misplacing my thoughts, but in forgetting--I would at least like to do more than I thought I could, from how vast I realize my potential can be; how much I think I could do.
At the end of the day, I'm reminded of what my dad said: You're able to help others in as much as you can help yourself. I still have no idea if there's any static placement that can be applied to, because there are times I can do a ton more than I thought I knew I could, and there are times wherein I'm too tired to do menial tasks that I know I would.
It terrifies me when my thoughts blank out, and I'm unable to act towards the dynamic situation I'm in. Towards the current, probably even fleeting expectation put onto me, but towards not learning what I could from each experience presented. But at least I could see comfort in that these happenings can be conceptualized, given word to, and then understood.
Maybe I just think 'too much'. >~<
And as an aside, I keep remembering
Iroh quotes. ._.
As another aside I was busy remembering a picture I viewed before and tried to search it up with the keywords of 'help/others/yourself' and found this website o_O Pretty happy for Americans since it's solely based there from a casual view through. 
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Topic: Things that made you absolutely terrified today (Read 1964358 times)