Can't be certain if I had a brush with death or not; but either which way, I took it unusually well. At least, to your average person, I took it unusually well.
It could have been a buildup of stress from the whole week, or maybe a test from beyond, but earlier today, I had a cramp in my left shoulder that felt similar to a heart attack (not my first time; happened with previous jobs, so I knew what to expect; generally happens when I am annoyed to the point that my patience and tolerance couldn't hold out any longer; but I go on anyway out of politeness, at my own expense.), or at least, I'd like to think so. I assume it's not a full-on actual heart attack (caused by a bad diet or synapse misfires/heart disease), but instead something better known as
Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy or Stress Cardiomyopathy, or Broken Heart Syndrome, caused, personally, by over-stressing myself (one part physically, I did do a bunch of heavy lifting all week with little rest, and another part, dealing with local traffic and having things not go as planned a little too often), or maybe I did just have an intense shoulder cramp inside my shoulder close to my heart or in it, and it hurt really fucking bad it almost caused me to pass out on the spot. Oh yeah, and this was happening while I was working, of all times, and I actually hid my symptoms well, just to see if I could (also, I don't want my heart attacks to be all hammy, and whatnot; plus, I want to make it look like I at least put effort into reviving myself in the process of it. Just as well, I didn't want to alarm anyone unless I couldn't handle it).
I find it strange because it was such an intense pain, I truly thought I was about to keel over on the spot, due to excess pain; however, the "simulated heart attack" was not as much what surprised me, but my sudden recovery; self-administered without anyone else in the surrounding area being the wiser. This is why I assume it had to be a shoulder cramp; either that, or a nugget of cholesterol in my heart finally broke free and my blood is flowing freely again, thanks to a buildup of pressure behind it finally making it give way. In any case, just as my hearing was about to go out along with my vision and sense of spatial awareness/touch, and the symptoms of passing out were about to commit to full, I heard a loud *crack* from inside my shoulder, and I recovered almost instantly (as if it never happened conditions). I didn't try to crack my shoulder anymore since it wasn't cracking the last few times I tried to alleviate the pain that way, assuming it was a cramp anyway, and not a heart attack in the first place.
In case I really was having a heart attack on the spot, I either lucked out, and my body managed to unclog an artery/vein (the noise being the blockage clearing, or an artery/vein popping (it'll heal over)), or my willpower to reject dying in such a lame way (this ranks as my least favorite way to die, and I would find it as absolutely unacceptable to go out that way; unless it was done via Death-Note, then I wouldn't mind as much) managed to over-ride my system, like a form of "controlled berserking", or angels do exist, and I still have some sort of purpose in life I have yet to/am obligated to fulfill, and can't die until it is done. In any other case, my left arm felt better afterwards, and the pain is almost non-existent now. I feel like I was being tested by a supernatural force, or I was supposed to learn some lame aesop about how short life is, or to care more about myself, or some bullcrap like that. ...Yeah, an annoying day is anything but the right time to administer such a test/aesop.
I'm still trying to figure out what happened this morning, but I at least confirmed something about myself psychologically, if death were to really come my way regardless of when (but still how, in other cases; I do have standards of how I prefer to go out; Apocalypse being high up on my list (C'mon Revelations and Old Testament-level mayhem; do not disappoint me.)), I will at least die with dignity, or at least carrying an attitude of not giving a shit anymore (Got nothing to lose, plus I want to see if I can revive myself post-mortem anyhow without assistance. See if it's possible, and if it is, describe how things were on the other side, and make sure it's not a lame re-enactment-like render; I'll draw it myself.); regardless my fate: Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, or absolute nothingness; or at least, making an effort to do my part to make reviving myself a bit easier for both myself and those that still want me to live.
At least I stuck true to my word, to a hypothetical end, on those little questionnaires they use for motivation and such of "If you had (x) amount of time left to live, then what would you do with that time?", progressively becoming less and less time until you realize your true passion (didn't work on me; I still have no passion in anything whatsoever, nor driving force or motivation to continue living.): My answer to those, regardless of time left to live, No Change to anything in my routine or lifestyle; I drop dead inexplicably, I drop dead inexplicably. I mean, why should when I die determine my motives for activity? To quote Magus from Chrono Trigger: "If I die, I die; If The World ends, it ends; But if what I do causes me to vanish, I will be amused.". I mean, death, in reality (having lost people I knew since elementary school and close family friends) and the spirit itself (Good ol' Grim), doesn't worry me at all. I hear of someone's death, I am not affected by it (I know we'll meet again). I mean, it's an inevitability, so why worry? Then again, I have a rather lazy approach to life, and oddly enough, I have the same approach towards death. I suppose if you can judge the age of a spirit, I must be ridiculously old for a spirit to harbor such lacking feelings towards something that can alter a person's life or character in an instant. Maybe It's not that I'm lazy, but instead, I just don't care.
I hope I didn't ruin anyone's day with that little tidbit. I just really don't care about life and death anymore these days. Seems rather pointless to worry about it and let it determine your actions.
EDIT:
Strangely enough, writing and reading through all this got me cracking up. What the hell is wrong with me? Maybe I really do need therapy. Screw that, I like how I handle these matters. It's unorthodox enough to suit my style.
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Topic: Things that made you go "WTF?" today o_O (Read 14478485 times)