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[Thisfox]

Dear past self.

Did you REALLY need to make like a thousand bags? We're sending them all the the Trade Depot


Two weeks later

Oh MY GOD. How many of these fucking things are there? There's STILL a steady stream of dwarves hauling them away from the magma glass furnace! Moving all these bags out is SINGLE-HANDEDLY uncluttering the furnace!

Dear Future Self:

You're about to regret that. If you had filled them with sand and abandoned them in a stockpile, you would have been able to make more glass items. As it is, you're going to use up all your leather and fabric in future, making enough bags to put seeds, sand and everything else in, in just a few more weeks.

Have fun watching every seat, throne and chair in your fort get covered with seeds over winter. No dwarf will put seeds in a pot or barrel without first putting them in a bag....

--Past Self.

[Maul_Junior]

Dear past self:

we still have PLENTY of sand bags and empty bags.


Dear moody dorfs:

What the hell is with you guys and spears? Two Adamantine spears, one iron spears. I mean, I'm all for artifact weaponry, but seriously, not even a sword? I accidentally left our sole Adamantine Masterwork short sword in the 3rd cavern and don't want to open THAT up until we finish patching and/or securing the second cavern.

.........and/or converting the flooded area near the adamantine tube into magma sea-level farms.

I......may have forgotten to patch the top and bottom diagonals, sending water pouring down the stairs.


Plus would it kill you to throw out a Platinum War Hammer to go along with the Gold one you guys made?

[TV4Fun]

Dear past self:

we still have PLENTY of sand bags and empty bags.


Dear moody dorfs:

What the hell is with you guys and spears? Two Adamantine spears, one iron spears. I mean, I'm all for artifact weaponry, but seriously, not even a sword? I accidentally left our sole Adamantine Masterwork short sword in the 3rd cavern and don't want to open THAT up until we finish patching and/or securing the second cavern.

.........and/or converting the flooded area near the adamantine tube into magma sea-level farms.

I......may have forgotten to patch the top and bottom diagonals, sending water pouring down the stairs.


Plus would it kill you to throw out a Platinum War Hammer to go along with the Gold one you guys made?

Dear future self:

Got it, will make lots of artifact rings and thongs instead.

R/Past Self

[Nyxalinth]

Dear Uric McFoodPoisoningSeeingCrazyShit

STOP BESERKING WHENEVER YOU EAT!

What...how... Wait, I think I know.

[Maul_Junior]

Dear Dodok McSwordmaster

Masterwork Adamantine Short Swords are for stabbing or slicing, not slapping.

You scared the CRAP out of me when I read the battle report about your sword glancing away from the Forgotten Beast.


STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR FOOD AND KILL THE DAMN THING

Wrestler McMinerson:

I applaud your attempt to bite a Forgotten Beast in the teeth

[Thisfox]

Dear Human traders:

Please come back, the dead dwarves, dogs and cyclops have been cleaned up, the floor is no longer coated in a thick coat of blood and thousands of teeth, and we are ready to trade with you. It was pure chance that you arrived directly after our epic macedorf battle with a cyclops, and it won't happen again. We would love to trade with you. We are about to have some excellent tooth-decorated dog-leather boots available for sale, if you're at all interested?

--The Dorfs of Portalmile.

[Staalo]

Dear Geshud the Herbalist,

I respect your courage, but please get back in and stop crawling after that Giant Rhesus Macaque while shouting "I will have my revenge!" It already mauled you very badly and in your present state you can't even catch it. Let the nice miner to take to the hospital before you bleed out, and let the militia deal with the monkey.

Sincerely,
the Overseer

[Maul_Junior]

...
Wrestler McMinerson:

I applaud your attempt to bite a Forgotten Beast in the teeth

Oh, my word. I LOLd but I was already on the exhale and just wheezed a little, like Muttley. Can I sig that?

feel free

[escondida]

Dear Geshud the Herbalist,

I respect your courage, but please get back in and stop crawling after that Giant Rhesus Macaque while shouting "I will have my revenge!" It already mauled you very badly and in your present state you can't even catch it. Let the nice miner to take to the hospital before you bleed out, and let the militia deal with the monkey.

Sincerely,
the Overseer

Geshud: "But what's this long face about, Mr. McMiner; wilt thou not chase the white giant rhesus macaque! art not game for Moby Monkey Dick?"

McMiner: "I am game for his crooked jaw, and for the jaws of Death too, Herbalist Geshud, if it fairly comes in the way of the business we follow; but I came here to hunt ores, not my commander's vengeance. How many barrels will thy vengeance yield thee even if thou gettest it, Herbalist Geshud? it will not fetch thee much in our Mountainhome Trading Depot."

[...]

Geshud: "All visible objects, dwarf, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event--in the living act, the undoubted deed--there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If dwarf will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white macaque is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. He tasks me; he heaps me; I see in him outrageous strength, with an inscrutable malice sinewing it. That inscrutable thing is chiefly what I hate; and be the white macaque agent, or be the white macaque principal, I will wreak that hate upon him. Talk not to me of blasphemy, dwarf; I'd strike the sun if it insulted me. For could the sun do that, then could I do the other; since there is ever a sort of fair play herein, jealousy presiding over all creations. But not my master, dwarf, is even that fair play. Who's over me? Truth hath no confines."

[...]

Geshud: "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering monkey; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."

(with apologies to Herman Melville)

[vanatteveldt]

McMelville cancels rant - interrupted by giant sperm whale

[sculleywr]

Note from Armok to the Dwarven civilization Lokum Mazib,

What in the name of Me are you thinking? Out of all the stupid things I have seen dwarves do in the many worlds I have built, I have never seen something so beard-rottingly stupid! for what Me-forsaken reason have you forged such an alliance with those child-snatching goblins that 13 of your fifteen royal members are goblins? You lost your king for a reason! Get off your asses and shove off your oppressers, or else I will rain down a wrath you will never imagine possible!

[sculleywr]

Dear Geshud the Herbalist,

I respect your courage, but please get back in and stop crawling after that Giant Rhesus Macaque while shouting "I will have my revenge!" It already mauled you very badly and in your present state you can't even catch it. Let the nice miner to take to the hospital before you bleed out, and let the militia deal with the monkey.

Sincerely,
the Overseer

Geshud: "But what's this long face about, Mr. McMiner; wilt thou not chase the white giant rhesus macaque! art not game for Moby Monkey Dick?"

McMiner: "I am game for his crooked jaw, and for the jaws of Death too, Herbalist Geshud, if it fairly comes in the way of the business we follow; but I came here to hunt ores, not my commander's vengeance. How many barrels will thy vengeance yield thee even if thou gettest it, Herbalist Geshud? it will not fetch thee much in our Mountainhome Trading Depot."

[...]

Geshud: "All visible objects, dwarf, are but as pasteboard masks. But in each event--in the living act, the undoubted deed--there, some unknown but still reasoning thing puts forth the mouldings of its features from behind the unreasoning mask. If dwarf will strike, strike through the mask! How can the prisoner reach outside except by thrusting through the wall? To me, the white macaque is that wall, shoved near to me. Sometimes I think there's naught beyond. But 'tis enough. He tasks me; he heaps me; I see in him outrageous strength, with an inscrutable malice sinewing it. That inscrutable thing is chiefly what I hate; and be the white macaque agent, or be the white macaque principal, I will wreak that hate upon him. Talk not to me of blasphemy, dwarf; I'd strike the sun if it insulted me. For could the sun do that, then could I do the other; since there is ever a sort of fair play herein, jealousy presiding over all creations. But not my master, dwarf, is even that fair play. Who's over me? Truth hath no confines."

[...]

Geshud: "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering monkey; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee."

(with apologies to Herman Melville)

Thou art a god among dwarves

[escondida]

Thanks, but I can't really take the credit. The apologies to Melville were because those are passages straight out of Moby-Dick with minor word substitutions. Nevertheless, I do appreciate the compliment (-:

[escondida]

Dear Queen Asën Inethastod,

Y'know, I just wanna say thanks for being so...well, relaxed about the fact that I've ignored every single one of your mandates to date. I mean, obviously I was gonna ignore them; bucklers, after all, are useless. It's just...I prepared this whole deathtrap, you know? You would've pulled the lever and generated a cave-in that would knock you out with dust, and when you came to, you'd see that the lever closet off the throne room has now been completely blocked off from the rest of the fort by newly-fallen rock walls. It would've been really cool, and you would've starved to death there alone in the dark. So...yeah, thanks for, uh, not really throwing fits about all the missed mandates and necessitating the trap's use. That's...that's great. Thanks.

[escondida]

To the esteemed Doctor Ilral Kolbesmar,
c/o Office of the Chief Medical Dwarf

Although my client does appreciate the zeal with which you have attended to his care and the personal attention you have granted him, if your staff's recent behavior persists I will be forced to serve you a malpractice suit. I've attached a copy of the most recent invoice you sent. Why are there thirty items of "diagnose patient" in a single day? My client tells me that your staff will stand staring at him, walk three feet from the traction bench where they currently have him immobilized, and then return to stare some more.

Now, I understand the natural curiosity of interns, but this is a case of a simple compound fracture. Surely there are some troglodytes available to donate their bodies to science if your junior staff really needs learning material that badly.

I hope that this may be resolved in a civilized and straightforward manner, with no need to resort to bringing things before the "justice" system. I understand that there are several unsolved cases the Overseer would just love to have off her plate.

Yours sincerely,
Tirist Âbirmörul, counsel for Rimtar Kithìncerol