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[LordExumius]

Dear Military,

I know that you may feel sorry for Urist McMacabre for not being able to find the workshop to go before killing one of you. I also know that he happened to calm down after he'd already killed 10 in his patterns of calming down and throwing a tantrum when you all surrounded him, but JUST KILL THE BASTARD!

Sincerely,
               The expedition leader, writing from a hospital bed after getting his leg torn open and his spine broken

[Supernerd]

Dear Dorfs

The next time you go around deconstructing buildings, do not deconstruct a wall that will cause another wall to cave in. Especially not when you are STANDING ON THAT WALL WHICH WILL COLLAPSE!! Do I need to micromanage every single project!?

[GreatWyrmGold]

Yes.


Dear Urist McMason,
Use the galena three steps from you instead of the rhyolite down in the food stockpiles! I want magma-safe doors and rhyolite won't cut it!
Angry,
GreatWyrmGold, Ovrsr.
P.S. Hold off the quality levels until the doors that AREN'T being used in the FTWWM (fit-WIM) device that we'll need, since we will be sieged by goblins, sorcerors, dark stranglers, minotauroses, minotaurs, tigermen (white and normal), and maybe elves.

Dear Urist McCrafter,
You made a figurine of the expedition leader surrounded by bats, which he haters.
Then, one of him surrounded by scimitars.
I am detecting that "Long-term Acquaintance" is a bit more negative than it sounds.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

Dear Urist McTranslator:
Please translate the following message into Pet.
"Dear Pet of Urist McMechanic,
Please send more time comforting your master. He needs it.
Sincerely,
Your master's master."
When translated, please deliver the message to said pet.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

Dear Urists McRedSorcerors,
No friendly fire. I mean that literally, stop breathing fire on your comrades-at-spells.
Singed,
GWG, Ovrsr.

Dear Local Badgers Union 0001:
I suggest you form thee abovementioned group, which will hopefully create some Rules for Safe Release of Anger, such as:
1. Do not attack large domestic animals, such as aligators and yaks, as this has a good chance of leading to death and/or dismemberment.
2. Do not attack armored, armed soldiers, as this has a good chance of leading to death and/or dismemberment.
3. Do not go near anyone capable of bending the nature of reality, and this has a good chance of leading to death and/or banishment.
4. Do not irritate fortresses by interrupting random workers, as this has a good chance of leading to violations of rule #2.
5. Weekends off.
please take this proposal under consideration. It will improve my quality of life and the quantity of yours.
Sincerely,
GWG, local overseer.

Dear Pyromaniacs McMilitary,
WHY did you fireball the badger standing next to the food stockpiles? WHY??
That is all, unless the fire YOU started happens to destroy all of our food. But, no pressure, right?
Ha.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.
Dear Same Guys,
Your fire KILLED our brewer/cook/mechanic...hm, and our noble, causing one of YOU to be the new leader...I'm on to you...

Dear all fortress members:
Unless you want to starve, dehydrate, and/or get slain, please, no more than ~20-30% of you take a break at once. 4/7 in excessive.
Sincerely,
GWG, Ovrsr.

[johnny_cat]

Dear citizens of The Rape-Fortress,

I know the food and booze you brought along is tasty and the beds are comfortable, but that's no excuse to spend 90% of your time eating, drinking, and sleeping. Winter is coming, and you have not even finished digging out a quarter of the modest magma factory I have designed for you. Get back to work you lazy maggots.

[Deus Machina]

Dear Urists McMilitary,
I had time to compose a letter to 'Beardpain' the troll while you were beating on him.
You are still beating on him.
Seriously, injuries that you guys have caused have healed. While you are attacking him.
For Armok's sake, he's unconscious on a ledge. There are three of you. Someone shove him off into the water, or grab a rock or something.
-The overseer, who could pump magma up to deal with him faster than you guys are.

I nearly fell off my chair laughing at this.
Oh, and quoted for the sigtext thread.

Seriously, this happened. Yellow injuries turned brown, and blue injuries turned yellow. He even healed a blue lung and eye.



Dear traders,

No, I'm not taking your explanation of 'hood snake venom' at face value.
How long is the trip that you end up with an entire wagon of barrels full of it?

-The overseer, suddenly feeling in need of a bath.

[Khris]

So, HOW MANY more of you drunkards do I have to make into architects until ONE of you gets off his lazy butt and helps building some very important constructions before the next enemy attack happens?

[Ratbert_CP]

Dear traders,

No, I'm not taking your explanation of 'hood snake venom' at face value.
How long is the trip that you end up with an entire wagon of barrels full of it?

-The overseer, suddenly feeling in need of a bath.

What are yo.. Oh. Ick! Can not unsee! Magma brain rinse in order!

[RAKninja]

To: Etur Canyondrummed, duchess of Bronzetools

Re: your actions during the current siege

i dont know what possessed you to run outside of the civilian restricted burrows, nude, and right into the arms of an elite marksgoblin, but i think you deserve the inevitable result.  i regret that you shortly will be, to say the least, unable to continue to launder goblin clothing selling to any passerby for a great markup, but we have a couple of replacements at legendary already, if you had noticed.

hope you dont suffer too long,

the taskmaster.

[jamesadelong]

To: Dworfs of all races, colours and creeds.
From: Mission Command
RE: Skeletal Dworfs
We wish to alleviate the fears that the skeletal variety of goats are organized.
Just because they target the living goats first, does not mean that they are trying to take their place and attack from the inside.
Just because they surround and encircle you and your friends as you collect stores and pig-tail socks from the dead, does not mean they understand military tactics.
Just because they are the first creatures (twin sieges inclusive) to bypass the redoubt and enter the fort proper does not mean they are more capable fighters.
Finally and above all, just because their kill list is longer than the badgers, does not mean... wait... YES IT DOES! Every man for himself! The Uber-goats are out in force! Man the magma cannons! Women and children first! Release the FB!

[ExdeathV]

To: Female Military Captain
From: That invisible being that tells you what to do
RE: You're duties as a soldier

  I understand you just had a child, and you need to find it. But when there's a damn breach in defences, that doesn't give you the right to keep being a Urist Mclazyass and just watch your friends and family die. I recruited you because you are the best soldier I have, and I expect you to be on guard all the time. Thanks for letting the booze supply burn and a majority of the fortress wrecked. Therefore, I am having you thrown in the Giant Cave Spider pit without anything on. By the way, I had your child encased in obsidian happy 100th birthday.

[Khaless]

Dear Urist McFigureSkater,

Yes it is true that frozen ice is passable.
But please refrain from doing so, especially in mid spring.
Have in mind, that it is an inconvenience to drain the pool and retrieve your equipment corpses.

Yours truly
Urist McUndertaker

[ExdeathV]

To: Female Military Captain
From: That invisible being that tells you what to do
RE: You still being alive

   Okay. You survived the pit, good for you. You now killed my legendary weaponsmith and armorsmith, who for some reason everybody hated, a couple of nobles, and a bear. Good job Nice going you moron. I hope you die.

[Broseph Stalin]

Dear Urist McEngraver,

I applaud your tenacity and work ethic but I must request you report to the hospital immediately. It's great your so excited to do your job but you've received some pretty serious nerve damage and ,as you don't seem to have noticed, opened up an artery. Please look to your left, you'll find that each stone you've engraved has been coated with a sheen of a strange red substance as you've passed by it. That substance is your blood, most of which is intended to remain inside of you, and it is getting everywhere the sheer logistics of losing enough blood to clearly define a trail of everywhere you've gone since your injury and to stain each of your engravings is absolutely baffling. I repeat, you need a doctor, you are bleeding everywhere, and everything I know about medicine and even basic logic has been turned on it's head by the sheer fact there is still more blood inside of you.

Sincerely your invisible lord and master.

[RAKninja]

dear bronzetools:

stop going out of your way to step into the forgotton beast gunk that makes you inexplicably bleed to death in a month.  there are allready more tombs than population, and everyone is far to busy burying everyone else and storing their former possessions to have to so the same for you.

the boss.

[Baron Baconeer]

To: Countess Lema Istraelku, sovereign leader and countess of Bronzestrike

There are fifteen goblins outside. Please do not char... Of for the love of!

To: Countess Lema Istraelku, sovereign leader etc etc.

Please, next time tell us you have killed thrice the amount of people the militia have killed together during the worldgen. And yes, you could work as a elite wrestler in the army.

...And do remind me to get more cyclops to the army.

P.S. However amazing you throwing goblins around was, please do not try this trick again. The militia doesn't like you stealing their glory.