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[Stargazer]

Dear Urist McMerchant,

Okay you dumb bugger. There are two stacks of goblin crossbowmen sitting right outside my fortress gate. I know you want to leave, but if I lower the drawbridge, not only will you and your entire caravan die, but they'll easily be able to rush straight into my fort and cause untold damage.

Seriously. I think you can put up with living inside my walls for a while. I have plenty of food, booze, and pretty much anything you could possibly want. I'm not attempting to kidnap you. Believe me, I would -gladly- let you wander out and die if it didn't mean I'd likely lose a a few dozen of my citizens. Going berserk and attacking everyone in sight isn't helping matters. Quit it.

Yours truly, Overseer.

[MrSparky]

Dear Mountainhomes,
STOP SENDING MIGRANTS. ESPECIALLY CHILD MIGRANTS.
Seriously, you've sent me nearly twice what my fortress was meant to hold before the end of the second year here and a third of the "workers" you sent are too young to work. Many can barely walk. THEY'RE DRINKING THE BOOZE AS FAST AS IT'S MADE!

Sincerely, Overseer of Axehonors

[Mlamlah]

Dear Urist Onlyeverwearsoneshoe

When i tell you to "Hunt" i do not mean "enter the one tiny corner of the map that ogres occasionally wander out of."
Your agility might protect you when you piss off a trio of ogres, but it does not protect the skilled metalworker and doctor who were just mortally wounded because of your stupidity.
There is an entire 95% of the map that remains ogre free with abundant wildlife year round. Go shoot at honey-badgers or some shit.

Sincerely,
Thepersontiredofcleaningyourmess.

[McDonald]

Dear Mountainhomes,
STOP SENDING MIGRANTS. ESPECIALLY CHILD MIGRANTS.
Seriously, you've sent me nearly twice what my fortress was meant to hold before the end of the second year here and a third of the "workers" you sent are too young to work. Many can barely walk. THEY'RE DRINKING THE BOOZE AS FAST AS IT'S MADE!

Sincerely, Overseer of Axehonors

Then see this awesome thread: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=91093.0

[MrSparky]

Dear Mountainhomes,
STOP SENDING MIGRANTS. ESPECIALLY CHILD MIGRANTS.
Seriously, you've sent me nearly twice what my fortress was meant to hold before the end of the second year here and a third of the "workers" you sent are too young to work. Many can barely walk. THEY'RE DRINKING THE BOOZE AS FAST AS IT'S MADE!

Sincerely, Overseer of Axehonors

Then see this awesome thread: http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=91093.0

That's actually one of the things Axehonors was founded to work on. I just can't get that started until the fort is stable.

[ElenaRoan]

Urist McMiner

"Part of the cavern has collapsed" seriously? How did you manage that? You were channeling down into solid rock for that very reason and somehow you still managed it.  Lucky for you we had a medical dwarf.

- baffled

[filipmolnar]

Dear Urist,

stop hitting that dinosaur with your bone crossbow, get some ammo and shoot it dead. It is confined, it can't escape and will be there for your pleasure after you return. Also, if you get thirsty, take a break and drink something, let your buddies take care of things.

[ElenaRoan]

Urist McTantrumThrower,

I get that you don't like not having trousers or shoes, though why you showed up without them is beyond me, that's why I ordered trousers and shoes made for everyone in your migration wave.  Now stop standing around being embarrassed by it and throwing a tantrum and go grab a pair of each and stop running around with only your shirt on.

[roughedge]

Dear Urist McCatlover

I hope you enjoy having all ur beloveds getting their chances in the arena.

[Mr Space Cat]

Dear Urist McSoldier,

Your uniform is bronze and copper armor. That steel you're wearing is for the halberd squad, not you. See, you're the dumbass who insists on wielding two bronze cleavers rather than an adamantine cleaver and a shield. Now you insist on wearing one of the only five suits of steel armor, forged for the dwarves who can't use a shield because they're holding hugeass steel axes.

That steel was hard to scrape together, now get your dirty buttcheeks out of it and follow your dresscode.

Sincerely, Dah Annoyed Ovuhseeyah of Axehole

[☼!!Troll Fur Sock!!☼]

Dear militia commander from "The Running Dead" topic

Stahp. That zombie did nothing to you. Stahp chasing him. Stahp.

[ramensoup]

Dear Rookie Marksdwarves,

I know you guys are new and everything but seriously, there are goblins outside the compound. Can you please shoot them instead of the harmless keas flying around not doing anything? They can't get in and they can't steal anything at the moment. It would be advantageous to both you and the fortress as a whole if you were to divert your arrows to the goblin menace and not the local wildlife.

Sincerely, Ramen.

---

Dear All Marksdwarves, Present and Future alike,

Guys, you are really disappointing me. There is a huge spider Titan spewing webs at you and your comrades, don't focus on the goddamn Keas. Focus on the fucking huge spider, crawling towards you,  revving his web slingers. Oh wait, nevermind, that was the last of you. You incompetence has angered me, now, your friends, family and pets will be killed by the spider, had you not been so stupid, you and your sons would be alive.

Ramen.

[roughedge]

Dear Urist McGenius

I understand that marine life fascinates you and you really need shells to forge that mighty artifacts uve been dreaming through your booze filled dreams, but we live in a DESERT, try some camel leather instead. Also can you please contact the fisherman guild who sent you here and tell them to stop sending in all your useless friends.

Sincerely yours, your Pharaoh Urist McGilla

[Akura]

Dear Rookie Marksdwarves,

I know you guys are new and everything but seriously, there are goblins outside the compound. Can you please shoot them instead of the harmless keas flying around not doing anything? They can't get in and they can't steal anything at the moment. It would be advantageous to both you and the fortress as a whole if you were to divert your arrows to the goblin menace and not the local wildlife.

Sincerely, Ramen.

---

Dear All Marksdwarves, Present and Future alike,

Guys, you are really disappointing me. There is a huge spider Titan spewing webs at you and your comrades, don't focus on the goddamn Keas. Focus on the fucking huge spider, crawling towards you,  revving his web slingers. Oh wait, nevermind, that was the last of you. You incompetence has angered me, now, your friends, family and pets will be killed by the spider, had you not been so stupid, you and your sons would be alive.

Ramen.

Dear Ramen,

Do you not know the grave threat of the mighty kea? How they swoop down on high, and steal our precious socks? Or how the giant ones swoop down and steal the socks(and entire rest of the leg) from our children? And you want us to fight some petty goblins?! No! We'll block out the(vile, vile) sun with our bolts to bring these bastards down!

Sincerely, the Marksdwarves.

[Greiger]

To Thrisj, fortress fisher,

I admit that I did not expect our local river to flood every year when I designed your fishing spot.  I actually expected it to freeze, but it seems only half of the embark freezes in winter, just enough to block the outflow of the waterfall.  Be assured that that design flaw is already being corrected.

But the highest the water level ever got in your fishing cubby is 2/7.  That does not excuse your apparent panicked dive into the river and attempt to swim to the cistern inlet.  The hatch back into the fortress was unlocked, and 1 tile away from you.  If it wasn't for the possibility of a ghost I would love to have the odd taste in the well water be all the memorial you get.

-------------

Dear River Carp.
Your deaths as the river water level instantly dropped a whole z level as the end of the river thawed were amusing.  Please continue to strive to swim up the waterfall every winter.  It's fun seeing the reports of you falling to your deaths.

The Administration