So, at december 29 my dog died. I was visiting my grandma when my mother broke me the news via instant message.
I was pretty shaken at the time but seeing my relatives distracted me. Now I'm back home and reality finally struck.
Spoilers because I dunno, I hate it to hear about dead dogs and dont want to make anyone go through that unwillingly.
I was very close to him. Being an asocial bedroom nerd with barely any friends outside of strictly-business colleagues from the university, he was the closest one by far. He was my little bro I could aways count on to be there you know... Basically my moral support, the one I could really trust.
We got him when he was a puppy, 15 years ago. Yeah, he had 15 years, and he was mostly deaf and had cataracts, which screwed up his vision badly. Nonetheless, he was a freaking genious. When he wanted something, mostly food, he would hold my finger in his mouth and drag me to the kitchen, where he would stand in front of the fridge and bark. Once, in a very cold night when I was up late for whatever reason, he was cold on his little bed so he started barking at my wardrobe so I would take the confy sheets to the bed so he could sleep well.
He died once, when he was very young. He fell into the pool when I was at school. My mother took him out and started shaking him and massaging him with a blanket. When she tought it was too late, he reanimated. Seriouly, this dog was some kind of immortal zombie badass.
This december, when I was already away at my grandma's, he started vomiting a lot. Only yellow stuff. Things went downhill quickly. Mom took him to the vet and he was diagnosed with spleen cancer. There was an emergency operation. The tumor had 5 centimeters. The vet let mom take him home... He died while drugged and sleeping. Mom took him to cremation, I don't even know where..
Now I'm feeling like I fucking abandoned him to die. I couldn't even say goodbye or anything. I didnt see him on his last days. I could always count on him... but couldn't return. I wasn't there at his weakest.
I dunno... Sad as all hell right now. My dearest friend passed away and I wasn't even there. His stuff is still here, all his little toys and his favorite blanket, which I'm keeping. It has no use but you know, how can I dispose of it? Feels bad already without throwing his things away. How to fill the empty place thats left? Taking care of his stuff seems like a feeble attempt at making up for it, but it's all I can do.
Well, one thing can be said. He followed that rule someone said at Doctor Who: "Be safe if you can. But always be amazing". Go make heaven an amazing place, Fido.