And now I'm sitting here, feeling like shit because I constantly hear people screaming at me to do something, but it's all part of my 'psychosis' and I feel like I'll never find out why because I have to figure every damn thing for myself. It's like playing sherlock holmes with yourself to find out why other people are going through things and its not fun, it makes me feel guilty as fuck, and my dreams last night, and every night I've been having them, dont feel like fucking dreams. It literally[I feel] is turning other peoples lifes into shit and I don't know how to deal with it when these people don't text, call, or try to ask me anything. So here I am playing it solo and it's not fun, I wish I had a relationship, point-blank any type, because I've never had one, and I am doing my damnedest to not 'settle for less', but in my current situation I feel an invoking responsibility to mend broken hearts, and that's not great either. I want to know how this started and why it is the way it is, the only way I can manage to do that is through meditation, visions, dreams, and while I'm capable of lucid dreaming while awake through meditation it is not fun, it is fairly horrifying and frightening, because I feel like I'm the only one with this knowledge. I have to take it to my therapist and my psychiatrists but I'm not feeling like it's helping;not because they're bad doctors, they're some of the best but it's like I have to figure this out for myself before anyone else can help me. And I guess that's true in my situation. Although, I wish these people would just up and forget the preconceived notions that I'm going to like, hurt them or just kick them out because I'm not that type of person, but I mean, it is likely I will get into a confrontation about it because I am not someone that's just going to be a doormat. So, there, that's what made me sad and angry today. Maybe I'm just going through a psychosis and it's all in my head. I really, really wish and hope that's true. But I feel so deeply that I know it's not.