Oh cripe, good luck. I really hope you'll be alright. :/
Shook, I still reflexively do the monitor thing too. I still felt that way when my folks dug up an old and embarrassing notebook of mine at the house I grew up in, too. Old habits die hard.
But yeah, anxiety blows. I've sorta been there, and I'm sorry that's a thing you're working around. Among other things, it got in the way of living the way I wanted to live, against the current of what I felt everyone else wanted me to do. They mostly just wanted me to be safe and successful, but I was letting that overwhelm my own feelings, and getting really confused and overwhelmed in the process. Same for expressing myself honestly, rather than through saying what folks wanted to hear, or through constant jokes and living ironically. For some folks, it can take effort to build up the courage and will and chutzpah to just be as you are. You can do it if you're diligent about it, and honest with yourself.
Or I've completely misinterpreted what you were saying, and am just projecting. That happens too. 9_9;
Definitely not a misinterpretation, in fact it's quite accurate, familial differences notwithstanding. I'm so caught up in what others think i am that i'm kind of unsure of what I think i am, and i'm scared of doing my own thang because i fear what horrible things others might think of me for doing so. Therefore, i frequently go with what others think might be good for me, and while it does sometimes work, in case of education, i've... Not wasted, but spent 3 years of my life on studies that i never finished due to a lack of interest (and motivation).
I'm also afraid of expressing myself negatively. If i accidentally offend people, it weighs heavily on my conscience for a LONG time, and actual non-constructive conflict between people in general (others vs others or other(s) vs me) gives me an extremely unpleasant feeling, and i can be digesting that for DAYS. Therefore, as you mentioned, i also tend to say what people want to hear, and i try to stay cheerful even if i may be silently shitting myself and/or feeling like absolute shite (although with that said, i generally AM pretty cheerful). The most noticable exception to that is when i'm angry, which is the one emotion that i'm really bad at hiding, but thankfully i don't have much to be genuinely angry about these days.
Oh well, i'll figure out something, eventually.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9763603 times)