I think it's another one of those things where I feel so different from everyone else in society that I'm alienated out of it. I just feel that other people have this emotional stability that keeps them up, while I'm always getting crushed by stupid shit. Like, an example, I feel that the number of places I 'feel safe' going to is dwindling cause that's where I might bump into one of the girls I dated, or it's a place that reminds reminds me of them and thus stands in memoriam of a personal failure.
It might just be like a psychosis from highschool, where whenever I was rejected there I just could never even look them in the eye again, and I could just never cope with how to deal with it so I spent, literally, months trying to stay out of the social frame. It's something that actually crippled my grades cause in one of my math classes that I shared with one such girl, and I felt perpetually awkward and alienated to the degree where I couldn't pay attention to the teacher or my assignments, and it went on like this for what was probably months until there was like a whole committee of school admins and counselors that basically strongarmed me into telling them the truth. They HAD to strongarm me though, cause I absolutely refused to tell them what was wrong, I refused refused refused for months of what was assuaging, and then interrogation, and then duress to get me to open up, but I wouldn't, cause it was a personal failure to me, so I had to just accept the consequences personally. Telling people about my problems was, in my mind, the epitome of personal failure and I was simply too disgusting to even care about anyway. It was only when they started whipping out the legitimate threats of expulsion that I cracked and told them. I actually had to change classes cause of my petty emotional issues. You can probably tell I was a very confused and sad teenager.
And in a way, it still carries on into my adulthood as I dwell and obsess about things, and things just hit me so hard that I'm always sent reeling for weeks at a time if not more.
Another thing, maybe the reason I stopped seeing my shrink awhile ago is that he made a little comment that went like "You have to want help" or something along those lines, and I was just dwelling on that one line, cause damnit I was paying with my own money, of course I wanted fucking help. Apparently if I don't want fucking help I was just going to stop seeing him, it's not my fault if I can't fucking gear myself up to be in a cheerful mood when I'm getting shrunk.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9754574 times)