I try to imagine myself as a person who isn't lonely, and I just can't picture how that world would look, that thought is simply too alien to conceive. I simply feel I live, but I don't belong. That attempts to change this is merely trampling on the natural order of things, and thus doomed to failure. Am I destined to be like this?
This is something that comes up a lot in drug treatment. A person becomes so used to the way things are, that they simply cannot conceive how things could be different from the current status quo, and decide that they can't be different. It is a logic fallacy. You can very easily change your world, my friend. Don't let the fact that you can't imagine how it would be deter you. That just means that it is far better than you can imagine. 
As odd as it may sound, whilst sulking to myself, in some odd way, I feel that I am addicted to the status quo. You see, when I sulk I tell myself things like, summarized:
'opening up to others is merely inviting disaster and allowing the very chances for further humiliation and damage to my self-esteem to exist. That my solitary life and mindset is keeping me safe from the cruel whimsies of fate that would end me.'
When I tell myself those things, I feel better about my situation. There's a real uplifting feeling in my neck and shoulders that I've become accustomed to, that resigning myself to this lifestyle is what keeps me from spiraling into a suicidal depression, and thus really the only thing that keeps me alive. It's an old, reliable friend, this feeling; and I am hesitant to betray it despite the fact that it's only wish is to keep me in one miserable place for the rest of my life.
I can only hope that I'm explaining this well enough.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9785468 times)