Got two sads today. Both of them are relatonship sads. One from a while ago and one from today.
First, looking back I have realised why I put up with so much bullshit from my best friend as I was growing up. I had a crush on him. I never consciously knew it I don't think, but looking back now, when I have accepted the fact that I am bisexual, it seems so obvious. It wasn't until last year that I finally dealt with my problems in that department and when I think 'attractive man' I think of him, no matter the fact that I haven't seen him in forever. When I was little I was surrounded by the kind of kid who uses 'gay', 'fag' and 'homo' as insults and I internalised that as a bad thing. Talking to him - over the internet, we've haven't spoken F2F in a long time - and saying that I was bi got the revelation that he is in a similar position on the gradient of human sexuality. And I can't help but think, if I had only come to terms with it quicker, if the people around me were less a bunch of bastards, if I had taken a chance just once... what could have happened?
Second, you know that feeling you get when a girl you haven't seen in a long time, who you had put in the 'sister-in-all-but-blood' box comes around and you spend some time talking to her. You joke, you laugh and have a great time socialising - and realise that this is the only person that this happens with. You go introspective for a while, withdraw from the conversation and think back and realise - you really like/liked this girl back in the day! Hell, you could almost say you love/loved her! You resolve to do ask her out some time, to do better. Then when she has left and you promise to catch up more often, you remember why you made yourself believe you loved this girl - no, this woman - like a sister. She deserves a good man who can look after her. A better man than you will ever be. And that crushes you back down and you resolve once more to convince yourself to look at her as a sister, because it will be better that way. Of course, you won't be able to meet up with her in a while, since that would fuck up your self-convincing. And in the back of your mind you know that it doesn't matter how hard you try, because the next time you see her it will happen again and again, because just being around her makes you so much better than you were. You talk more and come out of your shell, you let go of your insecurities and be a better man, a better person. Someone who actually tries and work hard just for the sake of measuring up to this wonderful, strong, brave, beautiful, funny, intelligent woman. But it doesn't matter because you know you won't be good enough and she deserves far, far better.
I... I just want to crawl under the sheets and shut out the world right now.