I don't like being alone with my thoughts. But it's inevitable in the course of a day. So, like more days that I like to think about, I wound up alone with my thoughts while at work. With one brief happy thought about something completely mundane reminded me of many other things, and thus ensued a three-hour unmoderated hatefest on myself by myself. I've talked myself out of bringing it up here (kinda failed at that anyway I guess), but I'm starting to think I might need real help.
Well, this kinda happened again last night. It got cut off when I had to work with another person, so I couldn't subvocalize my thoughts like usual. But I think I may have stumbled onto a breakthrough, even if it is the same sort of breakthrough idea I've had before. I had resolved to act on it as soon as I got home, but I spent a few hours at TVTropes instead. Not a problem, I needed the entertainment. Point is, I think I finally know how to change this. It's not going to be easy, it's not going to be fun, it's probably going to suck for a long time. But when I'm waking up everyday in fear of my own mind... I just can't take it anymore. It's just, like always, a question of whether I'll try today or
tomorrow.
And before anybody suggests Prozac or whatever again, no. Not that I have anything against medication on its face, but I gave up pot and booze for a reason. I don't want to just stop hating myself, I want to fix the reasons why I do it.