I had some things I wanted to share, but I gave it a second before dedicating it to writing, then chose not to. It's all just more whining in an apathetic world.
EDIT: I'll write something else later.
I suppose the thing I was thinking about was how I wanted to give a better insight to how my mind works, cause I don't think I ever do a good job of explaining it, and people just assume that it's structured the same as everyone else's and can thus just accept practical advice like a grain of salt, but in reality all the gears in my head are placed differently and spinning in the wrong direction anyhow.
My head just seems to run in a kind of autopilot when out and about in town or whatever, I shamelessly fish for whatever encouragement I can get here, but there's no time to think out in the field, my mind just follows the standing orders engrained into it from years and years of practice.
I suppose I'll structure it in orders of intensity, because my main problem in life atm is just being lonely, and meeting people is hard, it's usually just how I'm trying to carry the conversation that trips me up. I suppose the orders of intensity are like:
Pure business: this is me 99.99% of the time. Just keeping a simple goal in mind for what I'm trying to do, avoid superfluous conversation or eye contact. Keep all speech 100% polite and formal, and things are sure to never spiral into any unpleasant territory.
Me attempting being casual: I feel so out of place and awkward in normal society, I just keep to myself while trying to look normal.
As I said, because my main problem is loneliness, if I think of approaching someone to speak with them, as everyone so nonchalantly says I should do (AND CONFIDENTLY AT THAT!) my mind just automatically triggers a panic mode and all the gears start pushing against eachother, with one gear being what I want to do, and the other being the trained behavior from years and years of pounding it into myself, and I'll let you guess which gear has more torque behind it. So the next orders of intensity are:
Talking with guys: This is somewhat simple. Though I'm always at a loss for what to say.
Thinking about approaching a girl: Here, rationality starts to break down. I need to calm myself down, because I've mentioned it in the past but I still feel really guilty from being a creepy stalker guy in my high school years. I always have to tell myself that I was just young and stupid and misguided, and that I'm not a creepy guy any more and that I haven't done anything wrong to deserve to keep feeling like this, that I've changed. The guilt is oppressive and crushing though, I'm reminded of it all the time.
Talking with a girl normally: Rationality breaks down further if conversation doesn't flow smoothly. One way or another though, I'm always cutting the conversation short. I don't want to say anything bad, I don't want to look bad, subconsciously I don't want to get revealed to be as inferior as I feel I am, so unless I'm really forcing it, something I'm not wanton to do, I'll find a way to exit the conversation.
Trying to flirt with a girl: This is something so rare it's hard to bring up examples, but the gist of it is that my mind basically forbids me from reaching this stage, all rationality has broken down. The pure primal instinct that tells me I'm about to kill myself, that I'm about to enter a life threatening situation kicks in and just starts yelling to cloud out my judgment. "NOSTOPNOSTOPJOSHFUCKNOGODDAMNIT! WHATDOYOUTHINKYOU'REDOING!? DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! DO YOU REMEMBER THE FOUR YEARS YOU SPENT IN HORRID MISERABLE DEPRESSION JUST STARING AT THE CEILING AND WALLOWING IN FILTH?! LET'S TAKE A SECOND TO RECAP THAT REAL FAST. YOU WANT TO LIVE THAT ALL OVER AGAIN?! I'M ON FUCKING THIN ICE IN HERE, YOU ARE TOO, TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK, ARE YOU STUPID?! YOU'RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF, I NEED TO STOP YOU. YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ANOTHER MISTAKE AND FUCK UP YOUR LIFE AGAIN, I NEED TO STOP YOU. IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN I CAN FEEL IT.
I CAN FEEL IT JOSH YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME!!!"
And then I just get scared and run away from the situation, but looking at me you'd never be able to tell this shit's going through my head, it's just the raw feeling I have to react to. I don't know what other lonely people experience. Sorry for the capslock.
I just want to provide more insight, and try to gain a better understanding of myself with these little posts of mine. I hope that's no problem.
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Topic: Things that made you sad today thread. (Read 9463798 times)