I think I'm ready to say this. I've updated all the brain data structures, changed my internal pronouns to they/them, and erased my male identity.
I'm agender now. Genderless. There is no gender to be found. I never really felt that gender was that important to me in the first place, so this... I don't know. On one hand, I'm being honest with myself, and I'm changing to reflect that. On the other hand... it's a big change. A lot of my life is predicated on me having been male, and I've unconsciously developed an identity around that, even if I say I don't care about it. It's about time I strip myself of that notion.
I don't think it will change how I act in real life, I'll still pretend I'm male for the most part, but I'm happy that I'm transitioning. I think living on campus alone like this is making me realize things that I've been too afraid to consider for fear of parental retribution. I don't trust my parents nor any of my IRL friends enough to tell them about this. If they barely even understand that people can be gay, how would they understand that I refuse to identify with a gender? But it's not about them, is it? It's not
their identity. It's
my identity and mine alone.
Thank you, Bay12, for helping me realize that. And to think that 5 days ago, I wanted they/them pronouns despite identifying as male at the time because I didn't like thinking of my gender. How wrong I was to think that's all I wanted. I don't have much else to say, but I'd like to end by sharing 2 songs:
Porter Robinson - Goodbye To A WorldSUI UZI - North River