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[BlackPaladin99]

Ignore the box trying to possess my urine as it has already been burned by the millitary, and go find some demons to kill. 

[TricMagic]

Time to polish up the old résumé and apply for a new position somewhere else. If there's no work to be had in Hell, try to return to Earth and seek some there.

2-99: Turns out with most of hell on vacation, there aren't any positions that need filling. Mostly cause most positions are empty of upper managers. You'd have to be your own boss to make it here in these times. Meanwhile the portals are apparently for people wanting a fight, of which there are many.

... follow the urine stream to its source and 'share' that body then.

5-2=3: There is no stream, only fire. You still manage to knock your boxy body around though, so at least you can move. And aren't burning to death.

Pry that gate open and get in there.

1-47: Attempts to pry open the gates are doomed to failure. The imaginary numbers are very imaginary and no prybars to be seen. Knocking doesn't work either.

3...

Ignore the box trying to possess my urine as it has already been burned by the millitary, and go find some demons to kill. 

3: The clanking box is somewhat hard to ignore. You go looking for demons and find a few that are easily killed.

5, 6, 6. Bombardment doesn't seem to land anywhere near those remaining in New York. Also The Bag survives another bombing attempt.

[Megam0nkey]

GET BACK! SNEAK AND RUN BACK SO I CAN FIND MY BAG AT NEW YORK! The Demons probably died too so I can beat them there!

[ZBridges]

Start a soul arbitrage business, buying low and selling high.

[King Zultan]

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"
USE MY RAGE TO DESTROY THE WALLS AROUND THE GATE.

[BlackPaladin99]

FIND TOUGHER DEMONS TO KILL

[TricMagic]

GET BACK! SNEAK AND RUN BACK SO I CAN FIND MY BAG AT NEW YORK! The Demons probably died too so I can beat them there!

5: Using your near invisible body, you jump the line of one of the portals and rampage back to where you lived.

Start a soul arbitrage business, buying low and selling high.

1-3: You've gotten the attention of Demon Lord Lucifer. And not in a good way. All souls in hell belong to him. And that includes yours. Soultrapped. Many negative effects.

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"
USE MY RAGE TO DESTROY THE WALLS AROUND THE GATE.

4: You break down the imaginary walls and break into puragatory. Seems the office is watching events go down in New York. You see a bag, a slime creature searching for a bag, and some anime dude. Alongside the military blowing over another tower.

FIND TOUGHER DEMONS TO KILL

2: You completely fail to find any more demons. Where are they all!

1-57: A new portal has appeared in Central Park and is now spewing forth demons. It's massive, and you can see a demonic city in it.

[ZBridges]

Start selling Hawaiian pizza to the other denizens. Should be easy to come by in Hell.

[Megam0nkey]

Find the bag! Use it to restore my body into a MASSIVE draconic war form! Declare the destroyed area as my new kingdom!

[BlackPaladin99]

Central Park Ho!

[King Zultan]

Quickly run back to New York and find my gun.

[Yoink]

PLEAD FOR MERCY IN BROKEN SPANISH! OR MOSTLY NONEXISTENT SPANISH MORE LIKE

[TricMagic]

Start selling Hawaiian pizza to the other denizens. Should be easy to come by in Hell.

5: Truly evil. The Devil is impressed.
3: You manage a mostly successful Hawaiian pizza chain, complete with shirts that say "I Died in New York, now gimme Hawaii".

Find the bag! Use it to restore my body into a MASSIVE draconic war form! Declare the destroyed area as my new kingdom!

2: Somehow your panicking completely fails to find any bags.

Quickly run back to New York and find my gun.

2: It was a foregone conclusion, but there is no longer any door back. Welcome to Purgatory, please take ticket 666666667 if you wish to apply for reincarnation. For immigration see the help desk.

PLEAD FOR MERCY IN BROKEN SPANISH! OR MOSTLY NONEXISTENT SPANISH MORE LIKE

4: You plead in somewhat existent Spanish, and are let out after a few days.

2: Nothing fails to happen. Demons spew forth from the portal.

Central Park Ho!

6: In your haste to kill yet more demons, you make your way to the portal and jump into hell, killing flyers as stepping stones on the way down before landing at ... 6. a Hawaiian pizza chain. Demons were enjoying pizza until you showed up.

[Megam0nkey]

Keep looking for that Bag!

[Yoink]

WHERE AM I? DID THEY THROW ME OUT OF STORE?

IF SO, BEG TO BE LET BACK INTO FORTIFIED BODEGA! I WILL HELP WITH DEMON DEFENCE! I WON'T PLAY W FOOD THIS TIME I SWEAR