Episode 1 - UnhappeningsFor those who are confused, the first couple posts are not taken from this current thread, and are instead taken from an older thread that never got a lot of traction to begin with.
I run to tricklejest and force him to update that other game with the crazy person.
What other game? I'm pretty sure there is only one game, and it's this game. It'd be a little crazy if I had more than one game about maniacs, right? Just a little, don't you think?
I awaken withing the artificial darkness of the pile, only realizing that i wasn't still asleep due to the dull pain and pressure of a heap containing questionable amounts of ambiguously alive bodies covering and smothering me. As i feel around and come to realize the predicament I have found myself in. Due to the corresponding bout of panic, and the attempt at hyperventilation that came along with it, I also have established I cannot breathe. Drowning in a pile of perhaps-corpses wasn't the way i imagined my demise to be like, but it seems oddly fitting.
Having made peace with my end, the various gods i did or didn't worship in life, etc. I question how I've stayed alive in this cadaverous mound.
The answer I came to was as surprising as it was disturbing: I didn't. I died. I am dead. I am currently a corpse. I do not know what is more distressing, that the walking dead exist in this world i inhabited for so long, that i am one, or that I have no recollection of anything that happened in my life before now. My guess is one the last one.
As one does when faced with copious amounts of existential dread, I have some questions, Which I decide to ask to the vermilion voiced haggard: Who am I, What am I, How am I, why am I, Who are You, What are you, and Where are we.
The man pretends not to hear you. It's weird that he can even hear you in the first place, considering you're supposed to be dead. However, as you continue babbling about things that most likely do not even matter, his expression starts growing wearier and wearier. Not that you'd actually see it.
"
You're an odd fella, aren't you?" he says, taking off his glasses and looking at the pile of corpses. Your stomach twists and turns as you realize he is somehow looking straight at you, and despite the fact that multiple other bodies lie atop yours, he is somehow bending reality itself, breaking the very rules of the universe, in order to get a good look at you. He only gets to do this for one or two seconds, and yet the feeling is vast, endless, all-encompassing, you feel like a traumatic flashback would be appropriate here, if you could actually remember anything. "
Ngh... Again with that feeling...! God damn it, I can't even go one day without some weird paranormal bullshit happening! Is this a set-up?! I thought D promised that he wouldn't pull this kind of shit anymore!" the man says, twitching slightly, and scratches the back of his neck vigorously. He seems to be getting pretty anxious. "
I don't have any god damn idea who the hell you jokers are supposed to be, but I sure as hell know my name. If you think I'm telling you, though - hah! You must be a complete moron! I'm done with all of this! And if D can't keep his promises, I'll... I'll have to dispose of you! Double dispose of you!! I still haven't lost my edge, you know!" he blurts out, taking a step back, and puts his arms up, as if guarding his body.
I get out of the trash can, look around and quickly unholster my gun, turn the safety off, load it (assuming it's empty) and Aim it at the guy behind the Barrel. "I can see you, you know. Now talk what was I doing in that trashcan?"
"
I know you can see me, idiot!! What the hell's your deal, anyway? Hiding in my pile of corpses, and then going around claiming you have no idea where you are?! D's really pulling it out his ass at this point if he thinks that I'll believe this bullshit! Does he really think I've gotten that rusty?! Sending lackeys with guns? Really? Just guns?!" he flicks his index finger, and a bright red flurry of light swiftly makes it way to your hands, gracefully flinging the gun from your fingers and sending it flying to the right. It skids a little on the floor, ending up around fifteen meters away from where you're standing. "
Not so tough now, are ya?" he asks, raising one eyebrow, and pulls out an oddly familiar knife from under his coat. "
Now I'm gonna be the one that asks shit around here, got it?! I don't know what the hell you're doing here, but if this is a set-up, I swear I'll stab your guts out!" he hisses, flailing the knife around.
One Punch the Malefic Man and steal his gear.
As the man threatens MedievalParadox, you crawl out of the trash can, sneak up behind him, and ONE PUNCH him away! ...Okay, come to think of it, that was more of a "Five Punch" situation. You manage to knock the knife out of his hands, and get a clean hit on his jaw! 2 points of damage are dealt. Additionally, a colossal brass gear falls out from his coat, which you swiftly grab! The gear weighs a lot and is entirely inconvenient.
"
MY GEEEEEAAAAAAR!!! You bastard!" he yells, swiftly flicking his right hand in the air. Another flurry descends down to his knife and flicks it up in the air, allowing him to perform an admittedly awesome - yet completely reckless - trick by grabbing the knife as it spins in the air. "
Hey, gimme that!" he says, running up ahead and trying to pull the gear out of your hands!
Kick the barrel into the Maelifc Man, and then take his gear.
You kick the barrel, sending it flying both into the Malefic Man and into TricMagic! Awww, now why would you do that?
Crawl out of the pile on the side away from the Man. Maybe make it look like I just fell out of the dumpster randomly. If I was going to punch a guy, I wanted surprise on my side.
You crawl out of the pile and fall flat on the floor. Except, it seems like when you tried to crawl the other way, you just ended up crawling the
other other way. Confused about the nature of space-time, you look behind yourself, and see the back of your own head, and the back of your own head, and the back of your own head, and the back of your own head, and the back of your own head, and the back of your own head, and the back of your own head... And you quickly snap back, vowing never to look back again.
Grab the barrel and run off. Who else would want a barrel?
You lunge at the barrel, picking it up and freeing TricMagic in the process - but in your haste, you notice that the Malefic Man, who was supposed to be getting squashed under it, is gone entirely! You run as fast as you can, but suddenly notice the immense weight of the barrel. "
Haha! I was inside the barrel the entire time!" the man cackles and stabs you with his knife many, many times, and you drop the barrel, and the barrel falls right on your toes, crushing them entirely. Good thing you don't have an HP bar. The man sneakily crawls out of the barrel.
Crotch kick The Malefic man- and then throw him into the body pile!
Running at the man, you raise your leg up and crotch kick him! However, it seems his balls are so stiff and immovable, that you just kind of end up screeching in pain as your legs jitter in excruciating pain. "
Basic training, kid! I just punched my balls a thousand times every night, and look at this, they're so stiff that I can't even wear pants anymore!" he laughs.
Run and headbutt Malefic man as hard as I can.
You run at the Malefic Man, attempting to headbutt him. But as you run, you realize that you're buttheading him instead of headbutting him! Your ass lands straight on his chest, and you cry at the lewd implications of this scene.
Pin the Malefic man
You grab a pin from somewhere that isn't your butt, and jab it right into the man's arm, dealing 1 damage! A tiny bit of blood (and tears) flow.
The Man pauses for a moment, assessing the situation. "
D-do you fuckers really don't know what you're doing here?! Nghh... How is that even possible?! And why the hell are you attacking me? Come on! What have I even done to you?!" he says, trying to be trustworthy and persuasive, but fails immensely. Now you just want to kick his ass even harder! A nervous drop of sweat runs down his cheek. "
N... N... Now... Let's all just c-calm down... And think this through... Like adults, r-right?!" he tries to laugh, but fails at this, too. "
Come on... Come on!! We don't need to do things this way!" he steps back, his mind racing. Suddenly, his eyes widen, and he looks to the right, gasping. All of your faces quickly turn around too, and suddenly, as you're looking to the right, the bastard starts running to the left!!
"
HAHA!! SSSSSSUCKERS!!" he laughs, sprinting away from you as fast as possible!! You can't let this fucker get away!
Malefic Man: 7/10 HP. Currently running at full-speed to the right!!
Author
Topic: Malefic Minds (Read 23607 times)