Vaporo: Part 1
Account by: Bemul Astfarash, AKA "The Maggot"So, apparently our former overseer “Dozebom” was “offended” by my accurate and completely warranted evaluation of his time in office. Well, Dozebom, let me tell you what I think about your “offense.” Or, I would tell you, BUT I DON’T LISTEN TO MAGGOTS! You see, this is precisely what is wrong with Breakfastpit. Everyone is “Offended” and “Depressed” and “Has PTSD” and “Is traumatically scarred for life after watching their family and friends go mad before they died and were gruesomely resurrected as undead abominations.” WELL, GET OVER IT YOU DAFFODILS. BECAUSE THIS IS
BREAKFASTPIT, AND THIS DEGREE OF MAGGOTRY WILL NOT BE TOLERATED.
However, before I could make any real progress with the fortress, a vile force of maggots arrived from the north.
Well, I guess I’ve got to order everyone in… OH MAGGOTS THESE BURROWS ARE A MESS! Well, I guess I’ve gotta go through and see what’s still useful and what’s broken.
…
All right, the burrows “Moony,” “Panic!” and “Werebeast” were deleted, since they didn’t seem to encompass and areas. Plus Moony is dead, so I doubt that a burrow named after him is doing very much. “Safety Inside” and “Inside” were expanded to encompass some new areas and renamed to the more descriptive “Fortress Underground” and “Fortress Proper” respectively. “Fortress Proper” contains all of the areas that are accessible to dwarves when the gates are sealed. “Fortress Underground” contains the same areas, but minus the sections of the fortress that are above ground. The remaining burrows were left untouched.
Now, get inside you maggots! Move Move Move! Is everyone accounted for…? One, two, three…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXcMV-d_2JsOne hundred and sixteen… One hundred and seventeen… and one child passing through the gates as they close with the army right on her heels.
Anyways, time to try out the Breakfast Pit!
First trolls are entering the pit, but those Marksdwarves are moving at a maggot’s pace and aren’t in position yet.
So, let’s wash ‘em off!
And, even in the midst of combat, I am handed this report:
WHAT?! EVEN OUR BRAVE DWARVEN DEFENDERS ARE TAKEN BY THE MALAISE SURROUNDING THIS PLACE! WHY MUST THESE MAGGOTS TEST MY PATIENCE!?
Unfortunately, the maggots on the surface don’t seem interested in going for the Breakfast Pit.
AND WHY IS THERE A GIANT CAVE SPIDER IN THE BOTTOM OF THE FORTRESS?!
Apparently it injected a fisherdwarf by the name of Litast Mistomes with venom, so he’s basically dead now… and then a miner went to tried and recover Litast, so now he’s dying as well. And now it’s climbing the stairwell and attacking a bone carver.
Well, looks like this is a problem that I can’t just ignore. I and my squad proceeded down the stairwell to take care of the matter. Easy enough. The trick with cave spiders is to always attack from above or below. For whatever reason, the maggots can only shoot their webbing horizontally, so fighting them is child’s play if you catch them on a stairwell.
I have no idea how that maggot got in here. Examination of our census records indicate that it got in sometimes after I took office. One of the previous moronic overseers probably left a hole into the caverns somewhere I’ll never be able to find it.
Anyways I’ll deal with that later, back to the Pit.
None of the other maggot invaders are coming in. They’re just out there waiting on some moron to open the gates. Why won’t they…
Ha! I’ve found the problem. Some maggot put two doors between the invaders and the fortress. Since the goblins can’t destroy the doors, they don’t bother trying to come through them. So once I remove the doors the maggots will come charging right on in. Well, time to seal off the pit and do some renovation.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdZQL04sDBUAll right. I’ve tethered a dog in the pit to attract those maggots. Now those morons won’t think twice about rushing right down the passage to their doom.
ALL RIGHT BOYS! LET’S CRACK ‘ER OPEN AND SEE WHAT SHE CAN DO. Wait, what? What do you mean they left? It’s only been about a week since they got here. Hmmm? They stuck a note on the front gate? “BRB going for lunch.”
MAGGOT COWARDS! GET BACK HERE AND FIGHT US LIKE MEN!
Ooooh, that makes me mad. Well, I suppose that I’d better open the gates back up and start taking care of business.
Right after the invasion ended, a dancer by the name of Adil Clutchedmirrored burst into my office and demanded that her name officially be changed to “Flimsy the Clown.” Saying yes got her to shut up and leave, so I guess she’s out there bragging about her new name right now.
Now, let’s look at my predecessor’s “suggestions”:
“Never stick your hand behind the southern bookcase in the library. It holds a dark and terrible secret.”
WHAT!? ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT AN ARTIFACT, BROUGHT TO OUR MIGHTY FORTRESS BY OUR BRAVE WARRIORS AFTER A LONG AND GRUELING CAMPAIGN, IS LANGUISHING FORGOTTEN IN THE LIBRARY!? THIS CANNOT STAND!
Yeeeeees! Display! Put it on display in the horrible dining hall so that all may see the fruits of our forbearer’s trials.
Also, the strangest thing happened when I ordered someone to go get the book. By all accounts, the book was located in the library. I went and found it there myself. However, the dwarf went into the catacombs and appeared to retrieve it from a mudstone memorial. It’s not a copy, either. It’s disappeared from the library. I don’t know. I suppose that it is a magic book, so I won’t question it too much.
“You should probably work on consolidating the corpse stockpiles, although you'll have to be careful not to move the corpses where people can see them. Alternatively, wall the stockpiles off and forget about them. Either way, stop the children from playing in the corpses.”
WHAT!? AND DEPRIVE OUR CHILDREN OF OPPORTUNITIES TO LEARN OF WHAT IT TOOK TO MAKE BREAKFASTPIT WHAT IT IS TODAY!?
DISPLAY CASES! I NEED MORE DISPLAY CASES DOWN HERE!
“If attackers disappear, check under the bridges. They may be stuck in the sub-bridge pit.”
WHAT!? WHAT MAGGOT PUT PITS UNDER THE BRIDGES IN THE FIRST PLACE!?
FILL THOSE PITS IN, THAT WAY I
CAN’T LOOK IN THEM!
“No, no, lye is a pointless diversion.”
I DON’T KNOW WHAT FOR, BUT IF THIS MAGGOT IS SAYING NOT TO MAKE LYE THEN WE PROBABLY NEED LYE FOR SOMETHING!
“And another thing - there are walled-off areas all over the fortress. The one in the jails contains Akko.”
A MIGHTY DEFENDER OF BREAKFASTPIT IS ROTTING IN PRISON!? WHAT SORT OF SHAMEFUL MESS HAVE I INHERITED!?
DON’T WORRY, AKKO! I WILL MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE GIVEN THE RESPECT THAT YOU DESERVE! YOUR NAME WILL BE CARVED IN EVERY ROOM AND EVERY HALL OF OUR MIGHTY FORTRESS AS IT SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE! I HAVE A PLAN THAT WILL MAKE SURE THAT BREAKFASTPIT REMEMBERS YOUR NAME FOREVER!
On an unrelated note, does anyone happen to know how to cleanly remove a dwarf’s arm without killing said dwarf?
Author
Topic: Breakfastpit - A Succession Farm - 44.12 (Read 68417 times)