A-
ha! I think I've figured some stuff out! I've been experimenting, and the attempts at resolving this... stuff that I'm going through about gender - they all fall under the same category.
Disassociation! It's painfully, embarrassingly obvious! I
knew that association was my problem, but I never tried to actually REMOVE it!
The way I see it, I consciously knew that gender and gender roles, for example, weren't necessarily associated, but I didn't actually use that knowledge in practice. Association has "clogged up" everything that's related to gender. I am X, and X is associated with femininity, and femininity is associated with Y, and so Y must be relevant - but I am not Y! Or how about this - when I was younger, I was too shy to approach people and make friends with them, so I only interacted with people who approached me. Those were bullies (all male) and friendly nice people (predominantly female). Have I thought of femininity as better than masculinity because of that biased sample? Has
association then brought that to other things, and caused issues?
This problem, most likely, could only exist because I am genderless or something similar, sort of like what wierd describes. Because I don't associate masculinity with good, and because I don't fit into the masculine gender/gender roles, association causes problems. A-
ha!and then mis-attribute your lack of interest in boobies as being a secret interest in penis, when the idea is equally alien to you.
THIS IS IT! Replace "interest in boobies" with "identifying as masculine" and "secret interest in penis" with "identifying as feminine," and this describes my problems very well! I
knew that the gender binary was a false dichotomy, but I didn't
use that knowledge (subconsciously?)!
*Body image from non-body self-image
Appearance and behavior/personality are [i]not[/i] the same
*Self-image, body image from gender roles
Behavior/personality and appearance do [i]not[/i] have to correspond to a gender
*Gender from gender roles
The gender roles that I can divide myself into do [i]not[/i] have to correspond to my gender
*Gender role components from gender role components
I do [i]not[/i] have to fit neatly into a gender role composite; if I divide myself into gender roles, the result [i]can[/i] be a mixture of masculine and feminine GRCs
*Gender roles from what they cover
I do [i]not[/i] need to assign "masculine" and "feminine" to bits of myself
*Gender roles from sexuality
I do [i]not[/i] need to like penis to be trans; liking penis does [i]not[/i] imply being trans
*Romantic from sexual attraction
I do [i]not[/i] need to like penis or boobies in order to be romantically attracted to boys or girls; being romantically attracted to boys or girls does [i]not[/i] imply liking penis or boobies
This largely comes down to "this is obvious, I knew it, but in practice were these carried out." And no, they were not, damn you subconscious why didn't you get the memo.