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[JoshuaFH]

Well, I went to the bike meetup, and was honestly very underwhelmed. It was very laid back, very slow, no pressure chatroom on wheels, though honestly with very little chatting as people mostly kept to themselves except for the people that came as pairs and groups. I introduced myself to some people, and was nice *enough* I guess, but I feel like I didn't fit it. The metaphor sprang to my head again, that I had told my therapist a long time ago, of getting a feeling of being "a drop of oil in the ocean" where all the water mixes and mingles freely, but the drop of oil is simply inert and unable to mix into all the water.

Once again I went home feeling defeated. Even though I'm now comfortably situated in my new place, and I have my own independence, and I'm technically the closest to my life goals than I've ever been, at the same time I feel I'm further away than ever before as well. Like an infinitesimally decreasing slope on a graph, approaching zero but never quite reaching it.

I did go to FNM, which was very fun as I scored 2nd place in a draft, that was really fun as it was reduced to just me, my opponent, and a judge in the whole store at like 2AM, duking it out for first place. I got a bit unlucky in the first game, and he got very lucky getting an utterly BS card passed to him, but that's just how Magic goes. It was very fun, and I felt I made a good impression on the people I played with there. I boneheadedly left my dice there though, I'm still beating myself up about that, I wonder if they realized and are keeping them for me, but I feel it's too insignificant to call them about it or drop by to see.

My next class at the community college starts TODAY, I'm honestly kinda irritated about it, and I don't know if I'll just drop it or not if it turns out I'll need to throw another 100+ dollars down the drain. Especially since I don't think even getting any kind of degree would help me in pessimistic job market that is oversaturated with degrees, I'm mostly just sticking around for the experience and possible socialization potential.

I'm thinking I'll check out a gym, and see if there's any fitness classes there. There's one very close to my apartment, and it seems very opportune to investigate it.

[NRDL]

Thumbs up to any further fitness endeavours.  What are you studying again?

[JoshuaFH]

The class is Introduction to Business. I wound up going to class very sleep deprived, as the class was very awkwardly placed into my schedule and denied me of sleep, another reason I was irritated about it. The teacher is another disorganized blabbermouth that can't seem to get to the point. I won't even entertain purchasing another textbook, I'd rather get a bad grade than be complicit with such obvious, brazen, and shameless con artists; and for some reason I think I'll do alright just listening to the lectures.

But my classmates seem alright, we got paired into groups of four, so I was part of a group that consisted of one younger man who wasn't very talkative at all, an older but very professional woman who was a coordinator at a local hospital, and an Islamic woman in a hijab who's very soft spoken and timid but claims to have a college degree in physics that she earned in her home country Saudi Arabia, which probably makes her the most accomplished person in the classroom. I honestly really like the group, it promises to be interesting, I hope I made a good first impression on them with my half-asleep rambling about Peter Drucker and bicycles.

I also finished a book last night, MIND HACKS, promising to hack your mind into being the person you want to be in 21 days or less! What a bunch of bologna! I was expecting neurological or psychological tricks to brainwashing yourself... the reality is: you've never seen a more half-heartedly naive collection of nice sentiments that aspires to be good advice at the very best, and misguided at the very worst. Includes 'advice' such as: Try positive thinking! Stop thinking your negative thoughts and just think the positive ones instead! If you're trying to break an addiction, try a support group! Divide your big goals into smaller, easily achievable goals! Try exercising! ... I got the book for free, and I feel cheated.

Though there is ONE tidbit in the whole book that I thought could call itself a 'hack': writing down your goals on a piece of paper 15 times a day, in order to subconsciously convince yourself of its validity, which sounds just stupid enough to be plausible.

[NRDL]

Yeah I bought an entire ebook based around subconscious self-manipulation, and honestly, I like it.  As cliche and malarky sounding as all the positive thinking-esque advice is, it honestly does make me feel better about certain things.  The book I have is called the Power of the Subconscious Mind by Dr. Murphy.  Admittedly, it does contain a lot of "The Secret" type thoughts=attraction=universe giving you something which I've always been wary of, but the bits about affecting your own internal mind and even body seem worth a shot. 

[JoshuaFH]

I'm going to check that one out NRDL. It seems to me that books that remain relevant for several decades *probably* have the most useful, most universal, and longest-lasting information.

I've been probing my mind some more, and I'm wondering if I should get another therapist. I'd devoted something like a year and a half of time to my last one, which resulted with me being abandoned for undoubtedly being such a difficult patient that refused to take our weekly/biweekly/then finally tri-weekly meetings to heart. I want to rationalize it saying that I was in a bad circumstance, saying that I had years of gnarled up, tangled rationalizations for all my insecurities to work through, but the truth was that I was just a noncommittal shit.  Very noncommittal. In fact, I'd say that a great deal of my life I've been avoiding committing to a set course of action, of clearly defining *who* I am, and how I want to live my life.

The feeling of not wanting to dedicate myself, I think, stems back to a very early memory of mine, which was just innocently enough just me, at 8-9 years old, talking to my Mom as we drove around. She was telling me about Baptism in Christianity. At this point in time, I was already very leery of religion. I had already internalized that my Mom was a horrid bitch, despite supposedly being a Christian, and myself going to Sunday school to teach me about Jesus, which I had already intuitively felt was a farce, just another dishonest adult lying to my face for utterly nebulous and imperceptible reasons.

But she was telling me about Baptism, and I was curious about it because even though I felt that adults were lying to me, being so young I still had a feeling that there was something mystical or magical about the world that I wasn't grasping. I don't remember the exact conversation, but I remember that she was telling me that it marks a huge milestone in someone's life, and I remember the one important question I asked about it: "So when you get baptized, does it change you forever?" to which she replied that yes, it makes you closer to god and a better person forever; to which I felt deeply offended, a sense of offense that I remember to this day. Why did this hokey water ritual have anything to do with my state of being *me*? Why was I not good enough just being who I was? Am I just not good enough period? I wanted to prove my Mom wrong, but there was a lingering sense of doubt. It's a sense of doubt that I feel I've never shaken off since.

It reminds me of myself, being my shitkid self in Highschool, cause I haven't mentioned it until now, but I actually refused to cut my hair all throughout highschool, so I had this really stupid fucking mullet through what is the most socially intensive portion of my life, so it's pretty obvious why I was so unpopular. I still remember my reasoning though, was that if my haircut was alright *yesterday*, why is it not ok *now*, and why is it not ok in the *future*, and there was an extreme sense of stubbornness about not wanting to change, not wanting to grow up.

I had talked about my virginity earlier. and I feel that that same sense of stubbornness is in there too. My Mom's boyfriend of 15 years recounted to me that he changed completely on losing his virginity. My Therapist that I mentioned earlier mentioned something similar, that once I'd lost my virginity I'd be a completely different person, my whole perspective on life would change. And from other sources too, but those two I remember the most vividly... and that same sense of stubbornness and self-doubt kicks in again.

That's just something I thought I needed to share, because the truth is that I feel those feelings, and that I'm going to have to decide to commit to a choice, definitively, one day. and not just resent the world for supposedly manipulating me with social moors and expectations. I just wanted to say all that for my own good.

[TheBiggerFish]

Good luck.

[JoshuaFH]

Thanks BiggerFish, you're a pal.

[TheBiggerFish]

Just doing my job.

[NRDL]

Best wishes to you, glad that you're able to find satisfaction in your self-expression.  It's quite uplifting. 

[JoshuaFH]

I'm a little embarrassed of myself, I've been a bit lazy and neglecting my biking for a while. Michigan has been very hot and muggy, but that's no excuse. I took a short ride today, but it's clear I'm lightly tired from suddenly waking up from an odd dream, and that I'm clearly not in top form from the laziness.

The dream, from what I can recall, was that I was stuck in an odd place with two serial killers, but it had an odd game show element to it, where I had to choose which one to kill and which one would be my roommate and live with me.

Odometer: 605 miles (that is +155 miles from the last odometer reading, a couple weeks ago)

I'll really need to pick up the pace if I want to hit 1k before Sept 22.

[Starver]

The dream, from what I can recall, was that I was stuck in an odd place with two serial killers, but it had an odd game show element to it, where I had to choose which one to kill and which one would be my roommate and live with me.

Strangely, my dreams were dominated by being at cycle events (doubtless inspired by this one, but it has been a busy couple of weeks in that regard), but you'll be reassured to learn that I have no (known!) involvements with serial killers in my was ng [<- "waking", darn Android keyboard...] life, so it's not a total transposition of experiences... 

I haven't really had much encouragement to give, in your recent posts, so consider this as me checking in and cheering you on towards your goal.

[JoshuaFH]

I appreciate it all the same, Starver. At the very least, you'll be happy to know that I've completely stopped using my MP3 player. There's actually people and things to be cognizant of in my new environs.

[JoshuaFH]

Oh, one milestone... "milestone" if you want to call it that... is working up the nerve to up and over a hill that separates my apartment complex from the Rail Trail. It's a significant shortcut, otherwise I need to take a hefty detour. For some reason it paralyzed me with anxiety, probably because it would be the first time tackling the Y axis on my bike. The first time I tried going up it, I mentally gave up and stopped pedaling, allowing myself to roll backwards back down the hill. I banged up my shins from my pedals spinning backwards. I just walked my bike up after that.

The next time, I got to the top, but almost fell over my handlebars from going up too fast and then slamming on my brakes at the top before committing over the side. I stood atop the hill (it's a very small hill, no taller than a man) for a while, feeling quite nervous at rolling down. I did, and it was pretty fun.

Now I go up and down it pretty easily. Though I still have to be careful, there's a bench along the opening to the trail that means I have to make a sharp turn right after going down the side of the hill. It's fun though.

[NRDL]

Really hoping there's not a lot of unexpected traffic going through that, running up a hill and suddenly meeting a truck is scary enough, biking with that sort of blind spot would give me chills.

[JoshuaFH]

Well, it goes from a parking lot to a big foot trail, so not a lot of threat of traffic, but a little.

Today, I went to the Y and impromptu joined a Kickboxing (read: cardio and core) class. I was the only male in the class, out of something like 10+ other females. Mostly older, but still. I thought I'd do alright, but I got my ass kicked. I was sweating and panting furiously, and couldn't really do the last couple exercises from being so out of breath and out of shape. I didn't want the instructor to pity me, but it was pretty obvious I needed to be pitied.

Still though, I'm not that upset. I'd be disappointed if it were easy, the difficulty was why I was there, I just felt embarrassed a little is all. I'll probably sign up for a membership and start going regularly, cause it's clear I need it if that's all it took to whoop my ass.