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[JoshuaFH]

That's great to hear Inteuniso Keep it up!

[JoshuaFH]

I woke up thinking about an old friend of mine, he was always scruffy, scroungy, unkempt, and utterly vulgar and dirty minded... and he got laid all the time by a lot of girls. Honestly, even though we hung out, I hated his guts. Even though I haven't seen him in years, I still want to just beat his ass, just goddamn maim and mangle him, just to ruin his life, even though he's undeserving of anything like that and I'm just completely envious of men more successful than I. That and he kicked me in the nuts once, I still want to cave in his skull just for that, something like five years later. Yeah, I know I'm pointlessly and disproportionately angry.

I finished reading the book "Models" that I mentioned earlier. It's good stuff, all of it. I may need to reread it. I'm still not sure how much all the advice is going to help me in my love life, as I still live with my Mom and in a night shift job that doesn't pay enough to support myself, as well as being a 27 yr-old teetotaling friendless loser virgin.

The book though, mentions that if I'm ever going to be able to act natural (Non-neediness by showing vulnerability and low investment, to use the book's terminology) around women, then I have to be at peace with my hangups and my past, and not be ashamed of it. So yeah, there it is, I'll try to not whine about that shit anymore.

Though, there's some people people around here who insist that being a virgin is completely stigma-less, that any shame felt about it is manufactured in my mind apparently. Which I don't agree with. I mean, there's the undeniable social undercurrent (Atleast in 'Murica) that virgins are pathetic and worthless men, which is another thing I don't agree with. I just have the irrepressible feeling that I'll be trapped in a completely infantile emotional evolutionary stage of my life forever, and therefore be depressed and in a deeply unsatisfying life forever, by remaining loveless and sexless.

I mean, even though I'm slightly overweight, I don't think I'm a bad looking guy. I'd post a picture if I had a camera (note to self: get a camera or something) but you guys get the point. I also think I'm not a totally awful conversationalist, when I'm not crushed by anxiety, I can talk to women alright, though I sputter and blank out all the time, or I make dumb comments about everything and I look like an idiot. Honestly, if something in my brain snapped and I let my inhibitions go, I could just go out and get rid of this virginity problem right now...

I'd just feel disgusted with myself though, every single attempt and foray into romance on my part has ended in me feeling intensely regretful of my actions. Ever since my spectacular ball-crushing failure in romance in highschool, I'd associated all romantic action as holding a bomb and waiting for it to explode in my face, because that's what happens over and over to me... I get rejected and I take it really personal, and I get intensely angry, and spiral into depression and refuse to take action again for years. Seeing the rest of the world handle it all so nonchalantly (in comparison) has me feeling that the rest of the world is just populated by depraved sex-crazed animals that I can't relate with at all, and my sense of alienation is increased several fold.

It's not as though I feel the act of love making is intrinsically magical, I'm not waiting for 'the perfect true love', I'm far too disillusioned to believe that. In fact, despite my obvious inexperience, I can't help but feel that it's really disgusting and shameful, that there's more than one source trumpets it as a 'biological need' makes me feel contempt for society, which in no small way makes me feel more contempt for myself for desiring it all the more.

There's just so many things that are 'firsts' for me that turned out to be bitter and painful memories for me: My first kiss was given to a girl that very legitimately wound up hating my guts. My first time cuddling and spooning and falling asleep with a girl that was honestly still so awkward that she didn't speak to me again for years. My first time really 'winning' a girl's affections, and she sends me texts telling me how handsome I am and how much she likes me, I badly embarrassed and emasculated myself with her and obviously she went cold and rejected me. Then I met a girl that I'm still not sure was 'all there' in the head, but with her it was my first time really romantically making out and deeply kissing for more than an hour, which was so intensely erotic that it was the first time I'd felt my extremely strong inhibitions break down and I wanted to have sex with her, and for our next date she flakes and instantly breaks up with me for almost no reason, and I was just so devastated that I haven't done anything since then, and that was like three years ago now...

... so while I don't feel that sex is innately special, I just want a 'first' in my life that doesn't instantly become another one of my bitter and painful memories. I just want something special that persists in my mind as being a good thing that I can think back on and smile at, just one thing, just one.

So yeah, so while I feel that a lot of my motivation for my current exercise routine is honestly very insincere, I feel I must out of a sense of pragmatism. To build myself up, to build my confidence and self-worth up, that I don't need to worry about my rejection anxiety. So that I can finally feel like I'm advancing forward and making progress in my life. So that I can finally feel like I'm not still just a barely pubescent highschool brat in a grown man's body begging women for attention, I'll endure with my fitness and self-development, and grow into the desired manly man I want to so badly be.

Just putting all that out there, for my own health.

I did 20 miles today. It's the windiest it's ever been on any of my days.

O:400

[NRDL]

Okay, first off, if writing this sort of stuff down makes you feel better, there will always be sympathetic people willing to listen, especially in this forum.  "Whining" is really just an unnecessarily negative way of viewing communicating one's feelings, especially if displayed as sincerely and eloquently as yours.

Two, throughout the whole thing I couldn't help but think of Jeremy Irons in Batman v Superman: "The fever...The rage....the feeling of powerlessness that turns good men cruel."

Really wish you luck in whatever you want to be lucky at.  I can honestly say I've felt a fair bit like you have in regards to a lot of this, and I sympathise.  Again, wish you luck in building yourself up, regardless of how you go about it.

And nice job with the 20 miles too, nice even 400 

[TheBiggerFish]

Yeah.

That...sounded like you needed to say it.  And I'm glad you are saying it.  Getting what you need to work through just put down somewhere is the first step to actually working through it.  Or something like that.  I'm not a psychologist.  But still.  It looks like it's helping.

[JoshuaFH]

Okay, first off, if writing this sort of stuff down makes you feel better, there will always be sympathetic people willing to listen, especially in this forum.  "Whining" is really just an unnecessarily negative way of viewing communicating one's feelings, especially if displayed as sincerely and eloquently as yours.

Thanks, I appreciate it. For one of those whines though, I've gotten off of my keister and investigated the possibility (again) of getting my own apartment and live on my own. An 'ideal' one sprung up, near work, in the thick of actual civilization and not stranded in the middle of nowhere, somewhat reasonably priced, single person apartment. I think I'd feel a lot more able in my life if I had my own independence and had to live on my own means.

I hope everything works out. This seems like a really good place to start my real adventure.

EDIT: Also did 10 miles, though I had some days to rest, it was very hard from tiredness from biking past my sleeping rhythm.

odour: 410

[JoshuaFH]

I did 35 miles today. Very exhausted. I'm apparently getting a bit of a tan, and I've slimmed down slightly. Not alot, but it's noticeable progress.

Ode to meter: 445m

[JoshuaFH]

Goodbye for now everyone, I'm moving into my new apartment today (hopefully) and naturally I'll be moving my computer into my currently internet-less new domicile, so I'll be disconnected until that is changed.

For the purpose of accuracy, I did five miles the other day, it wasn't remarkable outside the fact that, hory shet was there just gnats or flies or something everywhere outside. I was covered in'em. Scared my ass right back inside once I realized I couldn't wipe them off my body fast enough.

Odometer: 450m

Once I settle into my new living space, I'll plot out a !NEW ROUTE! to bike around. Now I'm won't be limited to my trailer park, I'll have a whole city with many scenic areas to explore. Well, I grew up in that town, so it's all familiar territory, but atleast it's not the same 1-mile circular track repeated hundreds of times over.

I also bought a beginners bike maintenance kit, and a water bottle to attach to the frame, but I haven't cracked those things open yet.

Sayonara for now guys.

[NRDL]

Congratulations on getting a new place, huge step. 

[Reudh]

Goodbye for now everyone, I'm moving into my new apartment today (hopefully) and naturally I'll be moving my computer into my currently internet-less new domicile, so I'll be disconnected until that is changed.

For the purpose of accuracy, I did five miles the other day, it wasn't remarkable outside the fact that, hory shet was there just gnats or flies or something everywhere outside. I was covered in'em. Scared my ass right back inside once I realized I couldn't wipe them off my body fast enough.

Odometer: 450m

Once I settle into my new living space, I'll plot out a !NEW ROUTE! to bike around. Now I'm won't be limited to my trailer park, I'll have a whole city with many scenic areas to explore. Well, I grew up in that town, so it's all familiar territory, but atleast it's not the same 1-mile circular track repeated hundreds of times over.

I also bought a beginners bike maintenance kit, and a water bottle to attach to the frame, but I haven't cracked those things open yet.

Sayonara for now guys.

Congrats, man! Those two little things will be life-savers when you're cycling. Nothing brings down a cycle faster than a popped tire. I always go cycling with my maintenance kit and a first aid kit, as well as a drink bottle on my bike. Rarely, if I'm going a long distance/in very hot weather/up and down steep hills i wear a "camelbak" sorta thing, that is, essentially a small backpack with a water bladder in it to drink from. It's vaguely useful.

[TheBiggerFish]

Yay!  Grats on new houseitude!

[JoshuaFH]

I think I'll make a small update from this here library computer. I'm doing pretty well still, going riding when I can, and when I do I'm on the town for a couple hours at a time. I'm still trying to figure out how road etiquette on a bike works since the sidewalks here are so inconsistent in quality and maintenance. My best bet seems to be to pretend that I'm a small car that can only go about 15-20mph at a time, and take up a whole lane of traffic. I don't get run over, but I feel like I'm pissing everyone off. I'm definitely pissing people off.

There's a huge rail trail though, it cuts a huge line through town, and it's very scenic and smooth. Not exactly efficient for getting around though, and involves frequent road crossing.

I don't have an odometer reading, I forgot to check it, but I'm definitely over 500 miles now.

I'm enjoying life without the internet. Now that I'm not continuously distracted by everyone's favorite series of tubes, I have free time to enjoy my feral descent into barbarism. Though by barbarism, I just mean catching up on videos I've downloaded previously, and reading library books. I feel I'm actually mentally cultivating myself here. I feel like I'm going to have to get the internet some time however, it's only a matter of time before I feel it becomes a necessity.

Life is pretty great right now, I feel I have my footing. It might take a while, but I feel my life can actually evolve to a point where I can actually say "You know, life was actually worth living afterall".

[NRDL]

Glad to see you're still continuing with this fitness quest.  Always good to hear that things are going well.

[JoshuaFH]

Thanks man. I finished my college course on business math. Did pretty alright, though I'm still pissed about only getting a hundred dollars back for returning the two-hundred and forty dollar book. Like, really angry.

I'm going to try participating in a weekly get-together of bicyclists. This will be my first time meeting these guys. We'll be doing 15-ish miles around the city I believe. To hearken back to "Models", there was an action list of things to do in order to apply the lessons of the book, and one of the first things is "Participate in a social hobby", and I hope this fits the bill.

[Starver]

Thanks man. I finished my college course on business math. Did pretty alright, though I'm still pissed about only getting a hundred dollars back for returning the two-hundred and forty dollar book. Like, really angry.

I'm going to try participating in a weekly get-together of bicyclists. This will be my first time meeting these guys. We'll be doing 15-ish miles around the city I believe. To hearken back to "Models", there was an action list of things to do in order to apply the lessons of the book, and one of the first things is "Participate in a social hobby", and I hope this fits the bill.

Obviously the people selling you/buying back the book already did Business Math, and passed with flying colours... 

Other than that, nice to see you're getting on well. Having others (and a more diverse choice of routes) helping you on your way is going to help you, I'm sure.

[TheBiggerFish]

Yeah!  Go you!