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[nenjin]

Dog destroyed another £35 miniature.

Ugh, I felt that right in the heart.

I've been kind of upset for the last week. I think I need to go have my throat checked out by a specialist.

For the last week my throat has been hurting. But just one side of it. No other symptoms of a sore throat or anything really beyond the normal.

There's two reasons I'm alarmed. One, I've been a smoker since I was like 15. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

The other reason is that, when I caught Covid in late 2019, and I got the sore throat, the same area that hurts now was insanely painful. I was coughing like crazy and eventually had some treacly blood come up with the stuff I was coughing up.

The doctor wrote it off at the time. I recovered and my throat stopped hurting.

But ever since then, I can feel that spot in my throat periodically over the last couple of years. When I'm getting sick, I notice it particularly.

And this last week, I've just been "feeling it." It's somewhat sore when I palpate the area. I do tend to be kind of a hypochondriac, mostly because I know enough that I know the risks I run with my lifestyle.

So yeah.....went to my GP and he said "yep, get a scope and see what's going on." If it is the big C....well, I've seen what it takes to combat that. They remove a lot of tissue depending on how far it's spread. Your vocal cords, larynx....it all just kind of depends.

I'm hoping it's just scar tissue, or something benign. But I'm kind of bracing myself for the worst. I won't even be able to get in for them to take a look for another month. And because I'm noticing it all day, it's sending my anxiety and imagination into overdrive.

[heydude6]

The only philosophy I find appropriate for dealing with stuff like that is stoicism. As much as we'd like to tell ourselves that things will turn out fine, sometimes they don't and it's foolish not to prepare for that possibility. I knew a man who decided to kill himself after losing a leg.

To avoid that, I recommend focusing on the things you love that you will still have in case the worse happens. Depending on where you are in life, this can either take some effort or be agonizingly challenging. Once you find them, hold onto them and cherish them for as long as you remain on this planet.

No matter who we are, we all will experience some form of irreversible decay eventually. It will not be fair, and it will not happen to everyone equally, but none of us ever get to live up to our ideal selves to begin with. We have always fallen short of what we could be, but it has never made our lives any less worthwhile. We still find the courage to keep living.

If anything does happen to you though, know that you will not be alone. This is an experience shared by many people, and there are communities out there you can talk to. The OP of our very own happy thread, Gunner-Chan lost an eye. If she was still around, I'm sure she'd have been willing to give you a chance to talk.

Anyway, sorry for being so heavy. That suicide I mentioned happened recently, and clearly I'm still shaken by it.

[nenjin]

No worries, I appreciate you. Weirdly I've always been in touch with death even as a little kid. Cemeteries used to really upset me as a kid once I understood what they were for, and my parents had the "death is part of life" talk with me at a pretty early age. Maybe it's informed my sunny disposition

But yeah, the last few days have been spent contemplating what life looks like after that. I'm not going to indulge in self-pity, that's pretty ridiculous. And everyone is susceptible to it regardless of how they've lived their lives. At least I have the advantage of knowing I'll be able to afford my care if it turns out to be something. At the end of the day, after the pain, worry, money and life changing circumstances, you just are left to deal with your ego. Which ends up being the thing that can do you in more than the others. I've often thought about worst case scenarios for myself, especially living like I choose to. Still, it taking weeks to answer the question that's eating you up inevitably starts to wear on you.

I'll be fine either way. And this is starting to make me reconsider some basic life assumptions. Tired of a bad habit I know is bad leading me to stress and be anxious about the inevitable consequences it creates.

[dragdeler]

enough uptime for that one

[Rolan7]

I... don't typically *inhale* my booze, unless I've already overdone it a bit, but I guess I don't know

I do find that a bit of dry wine can help ease a mucus-y throat.  Too much sugar makes it worse, and getting properly drunk seriously slows the recovery process.  Moderation is key.

[scriver]

I'm so sorry nenjin. Please keep us updated, and I hope it's just scar tissue too.

When it comes to life and death all I know is that I've lived a life that makes me absolutely miserable, but I absolutely under no circumstances want to die. That's why the "don't go gently into that good night" line resonate so much with me, I think: I may not have anything worth living for, but it's my life, and if they want to take it from me they'll have to drag me kicking and screaming out of it

[Great Order]

I've only just noticed that Descan's been absent from the forums for over a year.

There's so many people that I'm used to seeing who I'm probably never going to be in contact with again because these forums were the only way we knew each other.

[pisskop]

My youtube channel has degenerated into a collection of mechanical stress tests on powertools and road structures, Nasa and Space videos, How-Tos on doing something archaic, archieved and declassified materials, Political interviews, and basic bitch market shit.

Sprinkle in a few old lets players and some music videos.

[dragdeler]

Huuuuu? Degenerated??!!

You should be upset at an accute lack of mechanical stress test being live streamed, you think people want to see somebody blabber on? No we want every naked newton inch.

[pisskop]

haha I've been on a little bit of a binge lately

[JoshuaFH]

I'm having a hard time listening lately. I'm genuinely trying, but it feels like all I can do is pick out 2 or 3 words out of every sentence I hear. I can clearly hear the words, but it feels like they're bouncing off my brain and I can't register them. I'm actually kinda stressed out about it.

[JoshuaFH]

Now that I think about it, it might simply that it is because I'm stressed that I'm having a hard time listening. My brain is exerting itself trying to think hard, but in doing that I'm having a hard time at the simple task of just listening to someone.

I'm just such a pathetic person, I can't handle anything.

[dragdeler]

Yeah what's up with that why is everybody so distracted  ? Sometimes I wanna yell crazy noises midsentence when I see somebody drifting but usually I am too slow because I'm afraid that what was intended to be harmless random noises to spike attention will turn out to have second meaning. edit: see i was rerunning the scenario in my head, quick do a random noise now! uhm ok: "LAMINAT" (its like wooden floor) and I'm like, did I do it? No shit see lahm means also slow... I've noticed over the years I can be quite double-bottomed or caustic like that without having intended to, things can come out really mean.


So far I've managed one "brrrr bip boop bap" and one "i am little superslut", neither bright moments of me, I've yet to find a thing that would enable me maintain eye-contact because it didn't make me feel too much like a lunatic.




But also it happens to everyone no? You hear a thing and start thinking and then you get distracted, something like that.

[None]

My dude, some days I just get anxious and then I'm wholly incapable of focusing or getting work done or being comfortable. Brains just brain weird and that's not a failure of your character, nor of your capability. Sometimes it's dehydration, sometimes it's a sleep deficiency, sometimes it's a cold, sometimes it's a preoccupation or an emotional baggage or a shakeup at the stop sign or you've just really gotta poop or sometimes you're just not gonna perform at even 60%, and y'know what? Sometimes we just don't know why either and then the problem sorts itself or something else gets in front of it.

I'm never going to sit there and think about you as Joshua the Person That Has a Hard Time Listening This Friday. It's a sympathetic footnote and not at all a qualifier of your character. Nah, you're Joshua, That Thoughtful Fella whom I can count on to post with compassion on delicate matters. Joshua, with all the thoughts about hobbies and anime and the things he's passionate about and an overabundance of caution for his fellow man.

And you can definitely handle this, since we're only in the Mildly Upset thread!

[JoshuaFH]

I appreciate it None and Drag. Every single day I feel I'm failing at the small decisions and trials in life, and so I'm making a fool of myself; and on the larger scale, I feel that I've already failed at the larger decisions and trials in my life, so even perfection in the day-to-day matters means I'm still careening headlong into disaster regardless; and on the yet larger scale still, it feels that maybe I was simply born in an evil and unfortunate era, and so my life was always destined towards a tragic and brutish fate, regardless of my personal actions or merit.

I just wish I had someone around, someone to communicate with, so I wasn't so lonely, then my mind wouldn't be so inclined to wrap around and turn in on itself in worry and doubt over every little thing. It really does feel like everyone, real people in my life, are not just unavailable to the extreme, but literally impossible to communicate with in any meaningful way. I know I'm part of the problem, holed up here in my safety cocoon of an apartment, but still.