Joshua, I think it's okay to pin that thought that it's 'mental sickness' and refer to it sometimes when you've got that loathing going on- you deserve as much as anyone to be content, or happy, or pursue interests, or comforts, or what have you, and we as your local community appreciate you who you are as you are, warts and all, and want the best for you, or at least peace with yourself, no matter how long it takes. You have value to us and to yourself as you are for who you are. Wanting a better version of yourself doesn't take away from the value you possess to us now, no matter what form it takes.
I think we've maybe oversimplified the matter of 'purpose' or 'what we want in life' or assume that's an easy conclusion to reach, when life's more complicated than that, particularly when it's turned on its head for viral reasons. Fortunately, so long as good health holds, it's okay enough and enough of the doing to put those thoughts aside and just accept that 'being well' is purpose enough, and if you've got will to share, helping your friends be well, physically or psychologically. And it's okay if it doesn't boil down in your circumstance here, too, since purpose is still a complicated thing.
More cynically, perhaps, I've always rather liked one particular line from Path of Exile: "Only those who aspire can dare to hope." The change in the world happens on account of the doing we put into it, so if you've got something you'd hope for, better put the legwork in, yah? Maybe it's just reaching tomorrow, but it's the doing all the same. I'm not one to tell anyone what to want or expect out of life, I'm just happy to amplify a will when it's shared softly and deserving of a roar.
Edit: I hope this made sense, I was a little drunk. I know I can't offer much to grapple with self-loathing, but you're always welcome to a little self-worth on us.