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[Khan Boyzitbig]

Barely a light snack for an eagle owl though, for them dinner is deer. But for barn owls, tawney owls and other smaller owls a mouse is good noms.

[JoshuaFH]

I re-tried Eternal: Card Game, and I have to say, for a game that I put so many months of time into, it's just a very disappointing and mediocre game. It's a small, digital-only CCG, and it has a lot going for it: snappy and cool gameplay, it's own art style that seems descended from a number of comic book styles of artwork, lots of voice acting that gives memorable personality to a lot of the cards and characters, a large number of cards and cool mechanics that are only possible in the digital medium, this weirdly complex storyline told through the campaigns and with some additional bits on the developer's website, and it has the most generous Free2Play economy of... any card game period?

... And it's just so obvious to me coming back to it, that it just doesn't stand a chance. Not that it's main competitor, Magic the Gathering, is just so much bigger and better; its that it just doesn't pack enough doesn't pack enough punch to break out of the little niche corner it exists in. A lot of the mechanics are cribbed, the storyline is flowery and shallow, the metagame is absurd, and the game itself doesn't seem to have any clue what it's own role and future is. It's just impossible for me to play it without thinking "GOD what a stupid waste of time!", both because the mediocre experience isn't a lot of fun, but also because there's no answer to where the game as a whole is going.

And while I don't know anything about the developers personally, it seems obvious to me from looking at their product that they don't have the necessary design chops to really push their product to anything above pleasantly mediocre. They're doomed to remain in the little leagues forever.

So yeah, I feel stupid and sad that I wasted so much of my time and energy on a game that I eventually concluded was pointless and going nowhere.

[Kagus]

Was at another viewing today, this one's the pretty-gol-dang perfect opportunity.

Don't know if I'm gonna get it. He's had a bunch of interest already, and something like 4 more viewings after me today. Also kinda doubting my prospects on the "fallback" apartment that's farther away.

This whole thing's just taking too long. Bleh.

[JoshuaFH]

I saw this week that my schedule for week included an 8 hour shift followed by a 12 hour shift on the next night. My sleeping pattern can be described as ornery, with great difficulty falling asleep, stubbornly resisting any change, and totally dependent on sleep aids for sleeping and coffee for waking up fully. Regardless, I tried rearranging my sleep schedule to accommodate this and all I accomplished was fucking myself up.

I slept five hours, woke myself up early to keep myself sleep deprived, then the IDEA was to go to bed earlier on the next morning (which I hypothesized would be easier since I had less sleep the day before) and then to sleep a full 8, which would prepare me for that night and then the next, harder night. What ACTUALLY happened was that when I tried to sleep the 8, I slept 3 and then woke up thirsty af. It's cold in my apartment, but even my thinnest blanket makes me sweat and overheat like crazy. Now I'm upset, nauseous, and tired.

I have to call in for work in this condition, I'll be no use there. I tried everything though, up to an experiment where I laid blankets on my bathroom floor and tried sleeping in there. My bathroom is the only room that has no access to natural light, so I can actually be in perfect darkness, rather than shitty semi-darkness that I'm usually forced to sleep in. The floor is very cold as well, which is soothing. It was a good idea, but it didn't work, the change is too much for my system. The hardness of the floor and the natural smell of the bathroom is too irritating for me to relax enough.

I just wish I had a normal nighttime sleep schedule, and a few days off, that way I could detox from my habit of sleep aids and caffeine and get my neurochemistry back into shape.

[itisnotlogical]

I don't know what to do. I'm just existing for the sake of existing, working so that I can work so that I can work so that I can work so that I can work, etc. and there's just no end in sight. Hundreds of hours of my life go directly into the garbage every week, and nothing rewarding ever comes out.

[Yoink]

Just realised I entirely forgot about an appointment with my low-key therapist person the other day. Bit of a long story to explain, but I probably won't be seeing her again for a long time so I probably shouldn't have missed this one. Oops.

Also so far today I have lazed around and done nothing productive. Gonna try and wash some dishes and tidy my cupboard in the kitchen, at least.

[Kagus]

Apparently I owe a little over $600 in back taxes.

Welp.

[Yoink]

I forgot to write down the dreams I remembered from last night.

[JoshuaFH]

-

[Yoink]

Today was basically one big, inexplicable anxiety spike followed by depressive episode when I was expecting a nice relaxed outing. Welp.

[itisnotlogical]

My fiancee works at a nursing home. From what I hear, the majority of her coworkers are useless and leave her to do the majority of the work; if she's on break or busy, her calls just go unanswered while the other nursing assistants just kinda party at the main desk.

For one thing, that's super shitty and I would not have put up with it for ten minutes, let alone multiple nights in a row. For two, I hope I die long before I ever need any kind of nursing home, because apparently the standards are somewhere below McDonald's but above Shenzhen.

[JoshuaFH]

Today I was driving with my mom so she could look at cars for sale. I'm just upset at myself cause I got lazy driving, and I pulled over to the side of the road so my Mom could look at a car, but I guess I did it either too hastily or sloppily or whatever, cause the person that was behind me honked their horn very angrily at me. I wish I had a replay of my own behavior so I could review it to see what I did wrong. I just hate to think I was so strongly reprobated and I'm not 100% sure what I could have done better.

I know I didn't do well, because my Mom is "extreme bad luck", which is just shorthand to mean that I get so flustered and upset from even momentary interaction with her, and I always wind up acting and looking stupid because of it. I hate complaining about my mom, I'm 30 and I don't want to be 'that guy' that is always blaming their mother... and I still think I'm an utter asshole because when my uncle was dying of cancer, I'd go visit him in the hospital, and it was clear that he was deteriorating and the situation was just fucking grim, and I'd try to think of anything to try to lighten the mood, but the only thing I could ever think of, that'd be common ground for us, is whatever new complaint I had where my Mom recently pissed me off... and I can't help to think these were the last conversations I ever had with the only real person to act as a father figure to me, and I wasted them by being a stupid shithead that could only think to complain about his Mom. Whenever I think of that, god I just feel like a worthless asshole.

So yeah, guy that honked at me, I already know I'm a stupid shithead and a worthless asshole, you don't need to honk at me. Thanks for the reminder though.

Also, now that I'm 30, everything in my life is recontextualized by "I'm 30 and...*insert childish thing that I still obsess over*". So yeah, I have a new emotional tic to get over, I have to catch myself saying that phrase and just stop it, or else I really will become an insufferable prick.

[ChairmanPoo]

I'm coming to realize that my poor personal life is largely related to issues with personal relationships and intimacy (+- a severe lack of perception) rather than a lack of opportunity per se. Somehow this doesnt make it any easier to sort out

[JoshuaFH]

I'll delete this when I wake up. I just want to write down that I hate I get so anxious over nothing. I do something, my brain decides that it was a mistake, my whole day I obsess over it and feel like a fuckup, and there just isn't anything I can do about it. I'd love it if I could just shrug off small mistakes, and keep going on like my day is going fine. Having that kind of imperviousness would be the best.

I'll head to bed now. I just need to get my complaining out of the way so I'm not thinking about it and keeping myself up.

[Iduno]

Am coughing pretty badly. Seems like I've always got a problem thats mouth/throat related...

Quit putting things in your mouth if you don't know where they've been or the answer is "the ground." That, or you got the allergies.

I'll delete this when I wake up. I just want to write down that I hate I get so anxious over nothing. I do something, my brain decides that it was a mistake, my whole day I obsess over it and feel like a fuckup, and there just isn't anything I can do about it. I'd love it if I could just shrug off small mistakes, and keep going on like my day is going fine. Having that kind of imperviousness would be the best.

I'll head to bed now. I just need to get my complaining out of the way so I'm not thinking about it and keeping myself up.

I'm pretty sure that's how most people feel all of the time.