Hey guys! Who wants some
more ridiculous rules lawyering?
Anyone can put on a suit of armor or strap a Shield to an arm. Only those proficient in the armor’s use know how to wear it effectively, however. Your class gives you proficiency with certain types of armor. If you wear armor that you lack proficiency with, you have disadvantage on any ability check, saving throw, or Attack roll that involves Strength or Dexterity, and you can’t cast Spells.
So we've established that a shield is considered armor, and armor gives you big disadvantages if you're wearing a piece you're not proficient with. Right? So we don't wanna do that. That means no duct-taping a shield to a wizard or something and hoping he can flail around for a shield bash, right?
Well...
You use shields not just for protection but also for offense. You gain the following benefits while you are wielding a shield:
- If you take the Attack action on your turn, you can use a bonus action to try to shove a creature within 5 feet of you with your shield.
- If you aren’t incapacitated, you can add your shield’s AC bonus to any Dexterity saving throw you make against a spell or other harmful effect that targets only you.
- If you are subjected to an effect that allows you to make a Dexterity saving throw to take only half dam - age, you can use your reaction to take no damage if you succeed on the saving throw, interposing your shield between yourself and the source of the effect.
"...when you are
wielding a shield". So, technically, you don't have to be
wearing it, you could just be holding it in your hand like a goddamn frisbee. And then slapping people with it as part of a shove action. But of course, you're still not proficient with it! Neither as a shield nor as an improvised weapon, so there's gotta be a downside to that, right?
Proficiency with a weapon allows you to add your proficiency bonus to the attack roll for any attack you make with that weapon. If you make an attack roll using a weapon with which you lack proficiency, you do not add your proficiency bonus to the attack roll.
Okay, so that's bad, but not huge... Especially not at early levels. Still kinda bad though, especially if we want to make the most out of frisbee-bashing.
...but wait, the bonus shove from Shield Master is just a regular shove. How does shove work again?
The target must be no more than one size larger than you and must be within your reach. Instead of making an attack roll, you make a Strength (Athletics) check contested by the target's Strength (Athletics) or Dexterity (Acrobatics) check (the target chooses the ability to use).
It's not an attack roll, you say? It's an ability check? Weapon proficiency only penalizes attack rolls? Hmm...
Introducing:
Captain Faerûn, the Strength-loaded cunt carrying
a goddamn frisbee who spends his first turn performing a Grapple attack action, which lets him use his
wielded shield to perform a Bonus Action shove (and if he's a rogue or bard he of course gets Expertise: Athletics) and thereby thump his victim with the grappled+prone status combo, which inflicts disadvantage on the creature's attacks and doesn't let them stand up from the prone state.
Subsequent turns are either spent kicking the poor fuck as an Unarmed Attack (which everyone is naturally proficient in) for 1+Str damage (feet are not finesse weapons, so no sneak attack here, sadly), spamming Vicious Mockery, or doing something else dumb.
Really want to rub in the stupidity? Pick up some paladin/ranger spells via the Bard's magical secrets. Kicks count as a "weapon attack" and therefore trigger things like the various smites and Hunter's Mark. Brand someone with your foot.
Naturally, Captain Faerûn is hated by all. And with good reason. Fuckin' twat.