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Author Topic: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?  (Read 3816 times)

Bortness

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #30 on: March 09, 2014, 09:21:42 pm »

Living with your parent(s) as an adult is NEVER a good idea, ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever.
... >_>
Depending on culture: It's ok, here. Being self-supportive and living with your parents in the same home doesn't seem like its wrong (nor do I wonder why it is wrong)
Or am I missing something?

Frankly it sounds like he needs to put on the big boy panties and lay down some law.
...Panties?

The "panties" thing was an intentional joke.

The other bit, I say because I have the strong belief that an adult will never become properly self-actualized while under the immediate influence of his or her parents.  A person needs to be able to make his or her own decisions without the constant oversight of the people who raised him.  Having lived this, and still struggling with the imposed influence of my own parents (who don't even live with me), I believe what I've said to be true.

I'm probably sensitive to this stuff, tho.
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Tiruin

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #31 on: March 10, 2014, 12:54:21 am »

I agree with that note on the parents, however their role isn't a generality which we base it by (well, here). They're there, and yet are open whenever we need help-not dictating our lives, but passing their experience and guidance onto us in decisions regarding our lives. Concept of honor and respect holds here, and when we're able to stand on our two feet, we may leave (and return...those sorts of things). It isn't frowned on, nor is it impossible to not self-actualize in the presence of your parents. I don't see anything wrong in the idea, though on what you do with the idea is where we differ.

The other bit, I say because I have the strong belief that an adult will never become properly self-actualized while under the immediate influence of his or her parents.  A person needs to be able to make his or her own decisions without the constant oversight of the people who raised him.  Having lived this, and still struggling with the imposed influence of my own parents (who don't even live with me), I believe what I've said to be true.
We are always the last speakers of our choices, theoretically. Though given OP's note, those people seem desperate, and the problem is in how they tie together. :/

@Greiger: Are there any behind-the-scenes beliefs they hold regarding your friend? As in, things that may bias them on a choice or such?
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DJ

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #32 on: March 10, 2014, 01:39:14 am »

In Bosnia at least it's impossible to have your own place with just one income earner.
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Greiger

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #33 on: March 10, 2014, 11:06:25 am »

@Greiger: Are there any behind-the-scenes beliefs they hold regarding your friend? As in, things that may bias them on a choice or such?

Nothing I'm aware of if I understand the question properly. 

He does seem to be easily annoyed by what seem to me to be simple things when I'm visiting.  Kinda like he's always really high strung.  But it seems to be more focused around interactions with his family than just being high strung in general.  I can't say I would respond any differently in the circumstances, but that might be influencing his family's choices in one way or another.

If yer talking religion, it never comes up.  He's Christian and so is the rest of his family as far as I'm aware, and I'm closer to an agnostic if anything, so we mostly avoid the subject.  If there's anything in there influencing family decisions I don't know of it.
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darkflagrance

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #34 on: March 11, 2014, 12:50:44 am »

Move sister into router room so she has stable internet?
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NullForceOmega

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #35 on: March 11, 2014, 01:08:29 am »

Quote
He does seem to be easily annoyed by what seem to me to be simple things when I'm visiting.  Kinda like he's always really high strung.  But it seems to be more focused around interactions with his family than just being high strung in general.  I can't say I would respond any differently in the circumstances, but that might be influencing his family's choices in one way or another.

Okay, That's a serious problem.  This kind of specific stress due to interaction indicates serious underlying issues, Either they or he need to go now, I cannot convey how emphatic I am about this.  Your friend is going to cause himself all kinds of problems if he does not act quickly, the only reasonable thing for him to do is boot them, or his life WILL go to hell.
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Tiruin

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #36 on: March 11, 2014, 01:36:34 am »

...Or, y'know, talk about the problem directly with them before doing any rash decisions. Family or not, they'd need to know straight up, if that's the matter.

Booting is the ultimate last resort, as far as I suggest.
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DJ

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #37 on: March 11, 2014, 01:37:51 am »

You can't have a serious discussion with somebody who doesn't take you seriously.
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Tiruin

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #38 on: March 11, 2014, 02:05:01 am »

Well it wasn't stated that he went that far as to proclaim his list of problems with them at their faces.
Just kicking them out is...err, I fail to find the exact translation for this. Harsh? That seems more to me like an action that would make him go along those characteristics they possess then anything else (sans diplomacy).
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DJ

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #39 on: March 11, 2014, 03:06:20 am »

From what I've read he told them repeatedly that the niece's fiddling with the router is ruining his work, and they just don't give a damn.
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GlyphGryph

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #40 on: March 11, 2014, 11:40:36 am »

...Or, y'know, talk about the problem directly with them before doing any rash decisions. Family or not, they'd need to know straight up, if that's the matter.

Booting is the ultimate last resort, as far as I suggest.
Everything that's been said so far indicates the family has only one notable skill, that being manipulation, and they have no incentive or desire to NOT use it to its utmost during any such "talk", nor does the person in question seem to have the willpower or independence levels required to hold firm in any such conversation.

This is exactly the sort of situation where talk makes things worse rather than better, because every conversation is an attempt to undermine action and one side is perfectly happy with the status quo.
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Mictlantecuhtli

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #41 on: March 11, 2014, 01:29:54 pm »

They'd be kicked out the tomorrow morning if I were him. Sorry. I simply don't play shit like that, especially with an over-pampered child-adult who thinks they get to dictate terms to the actual workers of a household.

I suspect the conversation would go like this if I were him:
*Brings mother and neice into room
"Well, I've got bad news. You had your chance, I tried to be nice, I attempted to let you guys figure out what your plan is. Now you're taking advantage of me and the bills I pay for you. You have a choice: Live here with mutual respect, and that includes not fucking up my work due to your router bullshit which I have tried to help, despite you not listening. You can continue to live here in a house I pay for, or I can take you to the nearest homeless shelter to live the way you guys seem to want to.

Good news? I set up my own internet account and will no longer pay for yours."
« Last Edit: March 11, 2014, 01:34:58 pm by Mictlantecuhtli »
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Mongol13524

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #42 on: March 14, 2014, 07:09:32 pm »

Good idea:
If the mother is too panicky, manipulative, or whatever to listen to him alone, perhaps their Christianity is part of the solution.

They wouldn't be acting like that in the first place if they were super spiritual, but the mother's Pastor/Priest/Vicar/Minister/Rabbi/authority figure could be persuaded to talk with them. The religious leader's word might not actually carry much weight, but it would at the least be a second opinion in their dynamic attempting to resolve the conflict. Plus his concerns would feel more validated, assuming their/her Shepard is competent and discerning.

Bad but entertaining ideas:

He and the Sister could take 3 month turns harboring the niece.

There's no shortage of scriptures about productivity that could be written or printed on small pieces of paper and left where the niece will find them.
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Sensei

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #43 on: March 17, 2014, 03:41:45 pm »

I don't know if you can cancel the service at the house if you don't pay for it.
Actually, not paying for it is a great way to cancel the service. He can get a different service, and make it his sister's problem to deal with the one that's in her name, while he pays for service in his own name.
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Xeron

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Re: Friend keeps asking for advice, but won't listen. What do I do?
« Reply #44 on: March 18, 2014, 07:11:53 am »

Or he could stop wasting his time and kick them out.It's really the only viable solution.
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