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[TheFish]

I don't know why I'm posting, I guess I just need someone to talk to.

Today I learned of the death of someone hugely important to me and I just don't know how to process it. All my life I've never been close to anyone who died, even close family have passed with little concern or reaction from me so this is the first time in all my years that I've had to deal with real grief and I just don't know how. I can't even stop crying to type.

This person is one of only a handful of people I can consider myself to have loved, and one of fewer still to have made me feel like I was worth anything at all. For them to die so suddenly and so young just leaves me asking why them and not me? A young lad with everything to look forward to versus a miserable old man who's never done anything good in his whole life. Why does he die and a piece of crap like me gets to live? How is that fair in any world?

I wish I could change places with him, more than anything I wish it. I don't really know where to go form here, it's like my already worthless existence somehow just got even more meaningless.

I've said for years that I'd hit rock bottom and started digging. Today, someone handed me a jackhammer.

[My Name is Immaterial]

Even though you've only got 5 posts, that makes you a Bay12er. So this applies:

Always remember that you've got a bunch of people sitting behind computer screens hoping that everything goes well for you.

That goes for everyone else, too.

I'm afraid that I don't have much experience with this subject, so I cannot comment further. Simply know that I hope for the best for you.

[TheFish]

I'm a firm believer that you shouldn't speak unless you have something useful to say, unfortunately I've always had such low self worth I rarely feel I do. I've been lurking for years though, even longer than my account has been here.

I appreciate your kind words.

[Pnx]

I've had a lot of experiences with loss, and no, it really doesn't get easier. It has often seemed to me, to be brutally wrong the way life just tends to keep going on afterwards.

But, it does... and even if everything seems miserable and hopeless right now, you'll find things to happy about again later on.

[TheFish]

even if everything seems miserable and hopeless right now, you'll find things to happy about again later on.

I've never been happy, I've suffered from severe depression my whole life (what I remember at least) and the only reason I'm alive at all is because I don't want to be mourned... I've just been waiting for what's left of my family to pass or abandon me and then I'm out too. This is why I never let myself get close to anyone but sometimes it just happens.

I appreciate the sentiment and words all the same though. Thank you.

[Pnx]

Look, I empathize, I've seriously been there, I spent two or three years of my life locked in that kind of mentality, though in my case I was less than willing to wait and be patient for it... being routinely encouraged to kill myself probably didn't help that one.

There's a heck of a lot I could say about this, but the problem you have there is that so long as you're locked inside that mentality, where the end purpose of your life right now is to die, your life is pretty much just always going to be miserable, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. Those people you're worried about hurting are going to get hurt no matter what you do.

And frankly my experience is that this stuff will keep on just happening, you will keep on having moments of weakness that screw up your big death plan, and you're probably making everyone around you more miserable for following it.

's just my two cents. I think I'm done here.

[LordBucket]

Why does he die and a piece of crap like me gets to live? How is that fair in any world?

Death is generally more difficult for the living than the dead.

If he is at peace, why should you not be?

I wish I could change places with him, more than anything I wish it. I don't really know
where to go form here, it's like my already worthless existence somehow just got even more meaningless.

It's not such a sacrifice to give up something you don't value.

[nenjin]

I feel like LB's response is a little glib, but it's essentially how I came to terms with death.

It's not quite the same when someone dies young, but, try to bear this in mind: they're at eternal peace. Think how rare that is when you're alive, to experience real peace. Their labors are over, and they may rest eternally.

What you're really angsting over is you. Their death as turned your mind inward. Understand what their death has shown you about your life, and then make your peace with their death.

[TheFish]

Thank you all again for your kind words and advice. I still don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do when I get there but I know I want to come out of this stronger. Be a better man and do good things in his memory. I just have absolutely no clue how, I'm weak, battered and broken and I don't see how I can pick myself up and climb out of this hole. I've been down in this pit for so long the prospect of ever finding my way out again is daunting to say the least. I have lost what little hope of a better future I still had and I'm fumbling in the dark for something, and I don't even know what it is, I just hope it will be my salvation when I find it.

Take care.

[Bortness]

I feel like LB's response is a little glib, but it's essentially how I came to terms with death.

It's not quite the same when someone dies young, but, try to bear this in mind: they're at eternal peace. Think how rare that is when you're alive, to experience real peace. Their labors are over, and they may rest eternally.

What you're really angsting over is you. Their death as turned your mind inward. Understand what their death has shown you about your life, and then make your peace with their death.

This is true.  +1.

[Moogie]

I've always found that the most difficult part of death to come to terms with is accepting that this person, who you loved and cherished so dearly, is no longer part of "the story"-- the narrative of existence we experience day to day. When someone close to us dies, "the story" just carries on. It's so sudden, they just seem to vanish. Everyone around you goes back to the daily routine, but you're just sitting there feeling shattered and lost. It's maddening. It makes you want to scream sometimes.

Life moves on. People will look at you with sympathetic eyes, and give you a big hug, and say "There there, it will get easier. You'll get through this." But we don't want to move on. We don't want to let go! It doesn't make any sense for life to continue without them, and nobody else can see that or understand that. The world is oblivious to it, and it hurts so very badly to think we might someday forget their face, or their voice... yes, letting go is terrifying. It's final.

Well, you feel like that for a while. Weeks, months even. I do, anyway.* I feel this kind of bitter defiance and resentment towards everything, as if everyone should be hurting as much as I am. And as much as I appreciate the well-wishes and moral support of friends, family and strangers alike, everything they say just sounds so clichéd and impersonal. We've all heard the lines so many times before. But this time is different, because it's happening to us, and nobody knows why this is so important to us.

Our pain, of course, is absolutely selfish. There's no reason anybody should care about it. Life doesn't care because, truly, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Grief is a very personal experience, and I think that's why we struggle with it so much. Even though every person alive will someday experience the pain of losing someone they cherished, it still ends up being such a lonely, isolating experience. But because we all know this pain in our own unique ways, the best support we can offer someone else going through it is... "There there, it will get easier. You'll get through this."

There's no great revelation in the future. You never reach a point where you feel okay about it. Time just erodes the pain. You can't stop life from carrying on, so for a long time, you just seem to coast and let it drag you along. But every time a random thought of them occurs and makes you cry again, it gets a little easier. And you do forget their voice. That part still hurts, just not in the urgent, panicky way you imagined before. The wound becomes a scar, a sorry reminder, but no longer a stabbing pain that threatens your whole existence.

Well... for what it's worth, and I wish it was worth a whole lot more: you'll get through this, Fish.


*I'm speaking about past experiences, no current loss. I'm just offering a perspective, not trying to hijack the thread.

[Tiruin]

Thank you all again for your kind words and advice. I still don't know where I'm going or what I'm going to do when I get there but I know I want to come out of this stronger. Be a better man and do good things in his memory. I just have absolutely no clue how, I'm weak, battered and broken and I don't see how I can pick myself up and climb out of this hole. I've been down in this pit for so long the prospect of ever finding my way out again is daunting to say the least. I have lost what little hope of a better future I still had and I'm fumbling in the dark for something, and I don't even know what it is, I just hope it will be my salvation when I find it.

Take care.

Honor his memory. While such things are there which tell you what you 'are', honor his memory by doing what he did to you-to others. He gave you worth when you thought you had none.
Why? What did he see in you?

You ain't weak, battered, broken or anything underlying a man who is down and will ever be down. Whoever you are in the world, I don't care how frail your physique may be or what your past makes you into--you're courageous enough to post your predicament here, and by far as I've seen that's strength.
Whatever labels you believe these things are, let me give you some positive reinforcement: You think you're useless; you just disproved it by doing all this.

Well wishes here to you. 

[TheFish]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply. I'll figure it out and I'll muddle through. All your kind words have been so much help.

And Moogie, your post reflected my thoughts and feelings and experiences so perfectly it's helped to open my eyes to the fact that everything I'm feeling is completely normal so thank you for that.

Tiruin, you ask what he saw in me and I've wondered that myself for so long. All I know is when he was a kid (~11) I was the "coolest grown up" in the world, but more than that he always knew if he had a problem he could come to me and I'd fix it. And for my part he was like the little brother I'd always wanted rather than my cousin. Unfortunately I've not seen or spoken to him since he was 13 or so, my life went off the rails (drink, gambling addiction and crime) and his parents decided it would be best if he had nothing more to do with me for fear I would be a bad influence, that I'd corrupt him. I did my best to sort myself out but by then it was too late and they flatly refused to let me see him. That's why I was waiting until he was 18 so he could make his own decisions. Too late now though.

Anyway thanks again guys.

[smokingwreckage]

Man, that is brutal. But whatever you might think of yourself, you were his go-to guy when things were going wrong, and that's awesome. That's a huge privilege, and if I could make you feel anything I'd try to make you feel honoured for that.

You say you try to keep people out of your life. My advice? Fuck that. Make a point of doing something nice for someone. You don't have to be Mr Dependable or anything else. Just look for a chance to make someone's life suck a little less. Hold the door, let 'em cut in the queue, smile at the girl on the cash register, stuff like that. It helps. When your demons are whispering in your ear what a fuck-up you are (and trust me, I know about that) you remember the last small but kind thing you did, and you think "Sure, maybe I'm a fuckup, but I made someone smile today."

And, what moogie said.

[Tiruin]

You say you try to keep people out of your life. My advice? Fuck that. Make a point of doing something nice for someone. You don't have to be Mr Dependable or anything else. Just look for a chance to make someone's life suck a little less. Hold the door, let 'em cut in the queue, smile at the girl on the cash register, stuff like that. It helps. When your demons are whispering in your ear what a fuck-up you are (and trust me, I know about that) you remember the last small but kind thing you did, and you think "Sure, maybe I'm a fuckup, but I made someone smile today."

This. So MUCH. Helps me get through my life.
Positive reinforcement I believe. Anyway: This.

The world needs more kindness than the widespread bad stuffs we hear near-daily.