YOUR CHILD HAS JUST BEEN BORN!
ITS GOT SHIT STATS! EVERYTHING IS ZERO! WHAT HELL!
YOU'VE GOT 16 YEARS TO TURN THIS BABY INTO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE!
HOPEFULLY WITHOUT IT TRYING TO KILL YOU THIS TIME!
GO!
Yes thats right. It's time to attempt to mold your offspring into something you'd be proud to call the spawn of your indeterminate sexual organs. But how do I do this, you ask, for you are ignorant and helpless. By raising its stats of course! Haven't you been paying attention in RPGS? Thats How it works!
STATS
Dappertude: The stat controlling how fashionable, Charismatic and prom ready your child is. Things like dance lessons, beauty pageants, and etiquette lessons raise this.
Cynicismish: The stat controlling how pragmatic, careful and commonsensical your child is.This like reading, explaining how there is no Santa or Easter bunny, or being forced to defuse bombs raise this.
Businessness: The stat controlling briefcase wielding, tie wearing and the cubical compatibility of the child. Things like tie tying tutorials, synergistic management solution seminars, part time jobs and sacrificing to the dark gods of business raises this.
Determinational: The stat controlling your child's ability to continue doing things it absolutely despises doing out of some misguided attempt at perseverance. Doing things it doesn't like raises this.
Survivalous: The stat controlling the street smarts of your child, used to avoid being kidnapped, mugged, or buying a timeshare. Leaving your child alone in a dark alley in the middle of the city and telling him to find his way home, getting her addicted to meth and then throwing her into an Amish community and making him watch the shopping network and punching him in the head every time he reaches for the phone raise this.
Sporties: The stat controlling how good your child is at activities like Handegg, Trust fund stick, and Preppy Paddle, as well as other sports. Making him do sports raises this.
Schooliouses: The stat controlling how well your child does on standardized testing, scores on report cards and other school activities. Making her do summer school, memorize 12000 digits of pi, and write an essay on the cultural implications of the overuse of the word “Ichor” raise this.
ACTIVITIES
Ok, I raise stats to make my baby not shit. But how do I raise stats? By making that child do activities, of course. Activities can be literally anything that could raise those stats. Make em up and be creative or your offspring might decide to shoot you in the kneecap while you sleep. Some things will cost money, and some things will cost more money then others. This is the money chart:
Lodes a' money
Fist fulls of dosh
Benjammings
Wallet stuffing
Pocket monies
Some Dollars
Bitta change
Borked
Right now you've got Wallet stuffing. You're aggressively middle class. Your money changes once a year. Try not to fuck things up and end up borked or your kid might turn into a tree stump.
THE CATCH!
There are also bad stats! You don't know what they are or how to increase them! The more they increase, the more aberrant your child will act! THERES NO WAY TO REDUCE THEM! SOME OF THEM COMPOUND ON THEMSELVES! AHHHHHHHH! There are certain activities that your child hates! YOU DON'T KNOW THOSE EITHER! AHHHHHHHHH!
How to play the game!
You raise the stats with activities. You can do up to 5 activities a year. You don't have to do that many though, if you don't want to.
We're doing this as a community game so anyone can put forth an activity they want the kid to do and the one that gets the most agreements with it gets done.
Once you think it's time to move on to the next year, you say to do so and if it gets the most agreements, then we move on a year. If not, it will automatically move on after 5 activities are done.
At the end of the 16 years, your child will be let go into the world and then will be observed and assessed based on their performance.
There are lots of potential dice rolls happening in the background. You don't get to see any of them. KIDS ARE A BLACK BOX!
GETTING STARTED!
WE NEED A NAME FOR THE KID AND A GENDER FOR THE SAKE OF PRONOUNS
YOU CAN DESCRIBE THEM IF YOU WANT, I DON'T REALLY CARE. I'M JUST HERE TO SHATTER THE IDEA THAT YOU MIGHT BE A GOOD PARENT EVENTUALLY.
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Topic: FUCK YOU, DAD!: Not grading on a curve. (Read 133877 times)