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[MaximumZero]

So, as many of you know, I am not a terribly conflict averse person, provided that the conflict is physical. The problem I'm facing is that I really, really need to get into a verbal conflict with my ex-wife about many things that are important (my daughter's schooling, nutrition and influences [mostly her dumbass boyfriend], and her constant harassment, custody time, and her not paying a dime on our divorce, [which still isn't finalized because she fucked it all up]) but I just can't bring myself to do it. According to my shrink, whom I saw for a total of about two weeks a long time ago, she was highly emotionally abusive, but I can't get paperwork proving it because the shrink's office doesn't list me as ever having been a patient.

I had the perfect opportunity to yell and scream at her over the phone this morning because she woke me up, but I just couldn't do it. I just don't yell. It's been drilled into my head as a martial artist that I don't do anything out of anger, and as a retail worker that my opinion is basically worthless. Extremely low self esteem doesn't really help. I'd happily punch her fucking lights out (and if her boyfriend steps to me again, he will get his put out,) but that won't help me in the long run, especially since I want full custody of my child. She's extremely rude, aggressively harassing me, steps on my toes about the decisions I make and makes major decisions without me, even though we have joint custody. If my daughter comes home unfed, unwashed, exhausted, and repeating gangsta-rap lyrics one more time, I'm probably going to hurt someone.

Bay12, I'm ready to explode. What the hell do I do?

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Well, for one thing, if you get in a physical conflict with her or her boyfriend she'll probably end up with full custody of your daughter instead of you. While it would feel good in the short term to enact a physical conflict, you'd spend a long time regretting it.

In my opinion, this does not sound like a situation in which you could just talk to her. I'd go the legal route. Try to get hard documentation proving the inappropriate treatment of your daughter, and then file for full custody.

[MaximumZero]

I've already tried the whole Child Protective Services thing. Those people are fucking worthless, unless it's so obvious that a child is being mistreated that they're bruised or have broken bones or cigarette burns on them or something.

I'll be filing for full custody as soon as I'm working full time. I know she won't be able to afford a lawyer, but I have to do something in the mean-time.

[GlyphGryph]

I don't think yelling is going to help anything.

Know what you want. Know what you can do to enforce it. Give her a course of action where she accedes to your demands as an option, and then another where she does the same thing but saves face. Much like in martial arts, raging is not the best way to quickly and effectively resolve a conflict, so go into a conversation prepared and knowing exactly what you want to accomplish out of it, then say the things you need to give you victory (or with the best chance of it)

Yelling is pretty much worthless in a verbal argument anyways. It's the equivalent of puffing yourself up - it's admitting that you suspect you are weaker than the other person, and that you can't control the situation. And it usually doesn't help, especially if the other person is the type to engage in the same behaviour. (Don't punch them out, either)

What you need to do is start recording things, it sounds like. You want full custody - well, you'll have to prove she doesn't deserve it. That's hard, but it sounds like she's giving you plenty of ammunition, so stop letting it slide by. Keep track of the things she does, and the things she says, and how she acts. Note times, keep it well organized. Note the condition your child comes home in, if they came home late, ask her what happened and write down what she says. Build a case.

Don't get angry - get what you actually want. And what you want is documentation that she is irresponsible, a poor influence, unwilling to fulfill her obligations and incapable of acting within the confines of the state-mandated terms of joint custody.

Don't get mad, because she it sounds like she's handing you all this on a silver platter. Be grateful she's such a bitch, and use it to your advantage.

Once you've accumulated enough evidence, you'll have something called leverage. You can demonstrate when, how many times, and exactly what her failings are. You can make it clear you're going to be using these in court to obtain full custody. At that point she'll either shape up, meaning you get a better situation for your child sooner... or she'll flip out, making your attempt at full custody significantly more likely.

If you live in a state that allows one-party recordings, I'd recommend considering recording your phone calls with her as well.

[MaximumZero]

Thanks, guys. I really appreciate the input, and any further advice would be awesome. I just suck so bad at talking about things, especially when it's something difficult like this. I have no idea how in the hell I became a salesman.

[XXSockXX]

Oh boy. I have plenty experience with angry relationship arguments, but this is pretty complicated due to the custody issue.

Like MSH said, if you even so much as threaten your ex or her new guy with violence, you have already lost. It is important that you look like the reasonable party, if this goes to court.

If you are a salesman, you probably have an idea how to talk politely to someone who neither needs nor wants your product, without coming off too aggressive. Unfortunately this is a similar situation. What you have to do is, be rational and as polite as you can (even if that seems impossible). This is not about you, but about your daughter, so you have to detach your emotions from it and negotiate. Your own anger and frustration don't really matter that much anymore if you constantly remind yourself that you're doing this for your child's sake. (I'm not a parent myself, but I guess that is how parents ideally should feel.)

Direct your anger towards something else, like go to a gym and kill some punching bags.

I agree that these things usually are not resolvable without legal assistance, so it would probably be good to document anything that could help you in court, basically anything that can prove that your ex is agressive towards you and neglecting the child. On the other hand, do not take documenting too far, you don't want to look like a stalker. So be sure to remain within the boundaries of what you are legally allowed to do. (For example check if/when you are allowed to record anything etc).

[GlyphGryph]

I don't think documenting the things she says to him, in conversations with him, and the results of leaving his daughter with her would be likely to be read as "stalking". That would really entail seeking out contact with her when she doesn't want it, or stealthily recording her going about her day or something.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Just record as much as you want and ask your lawyer to determine what should and should not be presented.

[XXSockXX]

I don't think documenting the things she says to him, in conversations with him, and the results of leaving his daughter with her would be likely to be read as "stalking". That would really entail seeking out contact with her when she doesn't want it, or stealthily recording her going about her day or something.

I just mean "stay on the safe side". I don't know how the local legal situation is. For example, here it's illegal to record phone conversations without consent. It's just better to check that beforehand.

[GlyphGryph]

Yeah I mentioned making sure it was legal before doing any recording. But documenting what happened when is always legal, so at least do that.