Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[IronyOwl]

You are a Noble Lord, or at least a Lord. You rule over your people and deal with various issues that they cannot, such as droughts, floods, rogue mages, dragons... and the worst things of all.

Adventurers.

Scourge of the earth, bane of the heavens, and headache of the crowns. No price can satiate their greed, no threats can temper their impudence, and no reason can sway their madness. When you imagine hell, you imagine it's filled with and run by adventurers.

However, your most trusted advisor has absolutely assured you that you have no choice- the kingdom needs their unique and horrifying combination of brazen incompetence and inhumanly skilled greed, else dark times indeed lie ahead.

But you're getting ahead of yourself. To start with, who are you again? What's the general state of your kingdom? Who's your most trusted advisor?

And finally... you're planning on getting your adventurers from jail, where they belong and should stay. However, your advisor has once again assured you that attempting to recruit and, eugh, nurture some less-established professional psychopaths will better aid the kingdom. But, do you happen to recall roughly what you're freeing and why they got locked up in the first place?

[Gentlefish]

As, yes I forgot myself. I'm Urist!

It's a shame, but our kingdom is full of goblins. Don't know how it happened, they just appeared. Something about a siege.
Our adviser is a shady-looking pale green fellow by the name of Ngosk.

I passed by a strange man in the jail who was wearing nothing but a loincloth and carrying a dagger and spear. I couldn't understand his gibberish, but our translator could understand the word "Demigod" from him. I think he'd be a great fellow to persuade our goblins out of town!

[rabidgam3r]

You are Lord Manatee, and your kingdom is doing fine, with rather high taxes being countered by the generosity of your events, not to mention the large felines that your kingdom farms. Your most trusted advisor is a shifty fellow named Fallo Dunman, even though you never completely apply his advice. You are freeing a large ex-butcher who landed in there for butchering local pets, and a mage with not many ethics and a grimoire of extremely powerful spells, who was arrested for the torture and murder of animals and one man.

[scapheap]

We are the noble Sir Heckler.
Our kingdom is poor but happy.
Our advisor is Gary Motherfucker Oak
The adventurers are a half demon darkknight, an angel sorceress, a human high-school student from a diffence dimension and a tentacle monster who say it a monk. Crimes were arson, tax dodge and angering the elves but no one thought the last one was a crime.

[Xantalos]

I happen to be the noble Vabok the Gnome!
The citizens keep on complaining that they're starving to death, but I'm a citizen, aren't I? I'm doing fine!
My trusted advisor is myself! I talk in a mirror and let my advisor personality advise me.

The scum I have to release are a bunch of weak wizards that enjoy shanking people. They shanked my favorite doll, which is why they're imprisoned.

[BunnyBob77]

As, yes I forgot myself. I'm Urist!

It's a shame, but our kingdom is full of goblins. Don't know how it happened, they just appeared. Something about a siege.
Our adviser is a shady-looking pale green fellow by the name of Ngosk.

I passed by a strange man in the jail who was wearing nothing but a loincloth and carrying a dagger and spear. I couldn't understand his gibberish, but our translator could understand the word "Demigod" from him. I think he'd be a great fellow to persuade our goblins out of town!

This.

[Remuthra]

As, yes I forgot myself. I'm Urist!

It's a shame, but our kingdom is full of goblins. Don't know how it happened, they just appeared. Something about a siege.
Our adviser is a shady-looking pale green fellow by the name of Ngosk.

I passed by a strange man in the jail who was wearing nothing but a loincloth and carrying a dagger and spear. I couldn't understand his gibberish, but our translator could understand the word "Demigod" from him. I think he'd be a great fellow to persuade our goblins out of town!

This.

This also.

[IronyOwl]

You remember now, you are Lord Manatee the Tall! It's... not a title most humans get, but most humans are lumbering oafs anyway. No offense to your brutish human guards.


Your kingdom is a proud one, famous for its industries based on giant cats.

...well they're pretty big to you, shut up!


However, it's recently been plagued by a goblin siege! Goblins now roam the land, marauding caravans, molesting travelers, dodging taxes, tipping cows, clogging streets, living in properties, and otherwise being menaces and/or in existence.

Admittedly some of these problems would probably be lesser issues if you weren't such a racist, but that's not going to happen.


Ah, there's Ngosk, your most trusted advisor!

You'll rest and take a bit longer to try to recall things about the villains about to be in your "employ," but you think you remember a fair amount about what they are.

[Furtuka]

A peculiar man with what he claims to be a magic box that was arrested for trespassing in the royal litter box room
a ugly fellow who was arrested for treason because of evidence that was found by Ngosk's investigators
a wizard who tried to set all his colleagues on fire believing it would increase their intelligence
a thief who was in fact arrested for trying to steal your crown in an overly elaborate plan involving lots of rope
and a wandering swordsman who slaughtered 14.3 people on a drunken rampage the last night.

[Xantalos]

Wait, this reminds me of something. What happened to that Mage tower game?

[Gentlefish]

14.3? That's preposterous! It was three cats, a goat and a sheep.
There was also a beautiful lass. It's a shame she's a black widow and also a Kobold.
There's another who just slams his head against the wall. All day and night. Doesn't ever seem to hurt himself, and he has peculiarly wicked fangs...
Plus one more. A reptile man. We only really locked him up because he was frantically searching for loose piles of freshly shorn animal hair.

[scapheap]

At least can we have Ko the human male high-school student from a different dimension? Lock up for mutable molestation of women(All by accident)?

[IronyOwl]

Well, here they are. Your... adventurers.

The first one, on the far left, is one Vilus Darkicus. Ngosk assures you that is the given name he gave and not his scientific designation or something. He's apparently half-demon, and was arrested for looking like a goddamn demon. Ngosk assures you that any civil rights violations surrounding this action will be swiftly forgotten.

The next in line is Gloria Brightshine. She's apparently half angel but was arrested for public nudity. She also refused to wear the standard issue peasant rags she was issued, insisting that they were dumb and that there was therefore no reason to wear them. The only way they got her decent for her audience with you was handing her a bunch of your silk napkins, which she apparently then promptly fashioned into what you suppose passes for underwear.

Third is Sirscus Salamandra. He was arrested for numerous charges relating to sanitation, including publicly cooking rats, dead alley cats, grass, unidentified mushrooms, rotten fish, and, your guards suspect, at least one dead hobo. He was also caught swimming in the town well and hiding in various water troughs, and storing some of his "ingredients" in various locations where you probably don't want dead rats and rotten shrooms lying about.

You could have sworn there was supposed to be a fourth, but you either can't remember what they were right now or you're mistaken.


Well, now that you've got them, better start putting them to death. Work, you mean. Work. Yeah...

Ngosk assures you that adventurers are best fed on scraps- neither starved nor coddled. In particular, he suggests that granting them either some very basic starting equipment, or perhaps some sort of challenge or series of trials to earn such, would help them get started.

Other than that, the kingdom has no shortage of problems that need addressing. Obviously, Ngosk advises you start them off small, and preferably swift. He suggests that adventurers are known for their short attention spans, and that more rapid, numerous requests will allow you to gauge their progress and get accustomed to them better.


You remind him the latter part is the last thing you want to do, but he reminds you it's for the good of the kingdom. *Sigh*...

[IronyOwl]

Wait, this reminds me of something. What happened to that Mage tower game?

Ah, that just sort of died off.


Also many of these suggestions were hilarious and I regret not being able to implement them all.

[Jbg97]

http://thebest404pageever.com/swf/2305.swf