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[Dredonius]

You may call me Sir TooShyToDoAnything, if you'd like. This is my story.

Some might call me an introvert, but an introvert is someone who actually wants to be away from people. I want to talk with people, to mingle, but I have such low self-confidence that I am too darn scared to do anything. I wasn't always like this. A few years ago I was an outgoing extrovert, who talked to everybody. But, at my newest school, there is a person exactly like me in every way.

 He likes everything I like, and seems to be able to get into every conversation, which everyone listens to. He's like the Jesus Christ of this school. Now, because of this guy, I've become more sheltered, and more of a follower than a leader. Playing my jokes off of his, and following him with his large group of acolytes. This problem may also spring from the fact that I had a very problematic relationship in my younger years, and am "scared" to get into one again with a love interest. But, because I am "scared", this young woman has shifted her attention from me to the outgoing, extroverted guy, and has basically stopped talking to me. I don't think that she has a crush on him, however, but she has become another of his giggling acolytes, because of an accidental introduction to him. Did I mention I have no classes with this girl, and that she has every class with him?

This is probably too long, and nobody's going to read this, but hey, worth a try.

[Zrk2]

You're just having an identity crisis.

[revo]

So you like this girl? are you friends? do she know you like her? if not just keep it casual. Show her that you can be cool and funny by just putting yourself out there. I've learned through highschool that you will get NOWHERE if you don't take the risk sometimes associated with making a joke or talking to a girl. sometimes you have to throw caution to the wind, your butterflies, and anything else you have keeping you from doing something and DO IT. no matter what. DON"T LET YOURSELF BACK DOWN.

as for the guy: are y'all friends, good friends or just acquaintances? if y'all are good friends hang out with him. Usually good friends are A LOT alike and you hanging out with him and being similar isn't that much of a big deal. Me and my bestfriend are the two smartest people in are school and that's exactly why we get along so well. because we have that in common.

If y'all aren't friends try hanging out with people in his "clique" away from him and show them that you are cool and can be funny also, but you HAVE to try with these people. What do you have to lose really? I mean it's having a bunch of people you are barely freinds with Vs. attempting to make them REAL friends.

[AllThingsLive]

Okay, I have so much to say on this.
1. I want to punch you in the face for playing that whole "Oh I'm kind of awkward, I'm not so cool" card. You can't just keep putting out that energy. Regardless if you have low self-confidence or not, you don't go around saying that to people. That a) indicates that you begin with the assumption that they care about you, a very personal thing that instantly discomforts many people and b) reinforces your own image of yourself
2. Like someone else said, you probably are having an identity crisis and don't know who you are really. This is fixed with time for the most part.

Now, the root of many teenagers problems is confidence and self-confidence. The best thing to do would be to pull the weed out by its roots so to speak and gain confidence. The best way to do this? I'd recommend working out dude. Nothing will boost your confidence more than a great body. When you look great and feel great, it's pretty damn hard to feel not great about yourself. (If you do decide to work out, make sure you focus on strength training, eat plenty of protein and food in general, and focus on freeweight exercises)

Second comes your social life, it sounds like you really need to get away from this group of people and this girl in general. People think that they need to have everything in common with someone in order to be their friend or more. That's really not true, and it's been shown in college studies. It really comes down to you being a cool, calm, interesting, and confident person.

But seriously dude, get away from this "pack leader" guy, I know exactly what you're talking about. I've had that experience before. And the girl? Why would you want a girl who's another one of the brainwashed, go with the flow followers? Get out of there man and meet other people. Honestly, this is going to sound stupid, the best way to meet people is just to say hi to whatever random person and be relaxed and YOURSELF. If you get a new seat in a class or whatever, say hi to the people next to you, talk to them a little. Don't make yourself out to look like some kind of weirdo who's needy for socialization, but talk to new people at least.

And most people don't want to face the fact, but the key to being confident and interesting is to live an interesting and confidence building life. Whatever that takes, you have to strive to do it. I wholeheartedly believe that working out would help you a ton, I wish I would've started working out sooner.

Really the key to becoming the best version of yourself is to imagine that your friend has your exact same problems and is asking you for help. What advice would you give him then? Follow that advice. Live your life like you're the hero of a movie. The hero starts off small, gets shit on every day by everybody, he's a nobody. But he always ends up turning it around, getting the promotion, getting the girl, etc. Live your life like you're that hero, do what it takes be successful.

I'd highly recommend you listen to the Joe Rogan Experience podcast on iTunes, it's an amazing comedic podcast that would really help you with your problems, it's helped me and many others. Seriously, download a few and listen to them while you're playing Dwarf Fortress or something.
(https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-joe-rogan-experience/id360084272)

Best of luck and I love you dude. I've been in your place before and can completely sympathize with you, you'll make it out fine.

[Jelle]

Hello Sir TooShyToDoAnything.

I'd like to ask why it is you feel the need to compare yourself to this other person, the 'jesus' guy. Is it because you admire him, or perhaps envy him?
Do you feel you need to differentiate yourself from others, to have a unique persona; or maybe you thrive in the spotlight of attention? Because there is a very big difference between being yourself and trying to be someone popular.

And who am I to say wich you are, the two aren't mutually exclusive but I will say there is no need to try to be someone you're not to be popular. Who knows if you do maybe you'd be popular but it will be nothing but a facade.

In fact in my opinion, coming from someone who doesn't give a rats ass about popularity so take it with a grain of salt, people generally see through the whole tryhard cool kid attitude and people who act themselves tend to be more accepted, if perhaps outside the shallow cool guys clique.

Also lastly don't call yourself a twat. Maybe you are I dont know but you shouldn't define yourself by it, I'm sure there's far more to your personality so reflect it.

[Korbac]

About the jesus - guy. I had a similar incident in Comprehensive School. I was a quiet, nice guy. So was the other dude, but he had more friends and was more likeable in general.

That dude is now my best friend, as we have been for... 7 years?

You don't necessarily need to be in competition. Your shyness could be the differentiating factor between the two of you?

[kaijyuu]

Yeah I wouldn't be too worried about being a tagalong, so long as you participate. In my early childhood I was a tagalong and always thought that was somehow bad. It's not really bad at all, provided of course you make a difference by being there. Not everyone's a leader.

As for the girl, ask her out. Just do it. If she says no, you can stop angsting over her and get over it. If she says yes, bonus.

[AllThingsLive]

Yeah I wouldn't be too worried about being a tagalong, so long as you participate. In my early childhood I was a tagalong and always thought that was somehow bad. It's not really bad at all, provided of course you make a difference by being there. Not everyone's a leader.

As for the girl, ask her out. Just do it. If she says no, you can stop angsting over her and get over it. If she says yes, bonus.

"Not everyone's a leader" Honestly that's one of the most depressing things I've ever heard. When you're with friends, you are equals, nothing more and nothing less. There shouldn't be a 'leader' in regards to friendships. If someone demands a higher respect or is more authoritative than anyone else in the group, they're not your friend.

Under no circumstances should there be one person who is the focal point of the group, who the others in any way seek the approval of more than anyone else. That is sick and if that is the kind of relationship you have with anyone, you need to cut that off immediately.

[kaijyuu]

Way to misinterpret!

No one's a higher authority than anyone else in my groups, but there are some people who are more extroverted than others, and they tend to lead the way. That's all. I meant absolutely nothing other than that.


I wonder; do you have any quiet and shy friends? I would hope so. I would also hope you don't constantly shove them into the spotlight and tell them to "put themselves out there." Not everyone's super outgoing, nor do they need to be. They just need to participate in their own way.


I speak as a generally quiet and shy individual in my main groups of friends. (and as someone who's extremely quiet and shy outside my comfort zone)

[Mimidormi]

Plenty of great advice already in the thread..

Sounds like you feel robbed by this super popular guy of the identity you used to have, and that he appears to be always one step ahead.
It is not clear if people are putting him on a pedestal or he is just that charismatic, but it doesn't even matter in the long run. Think about yourself, your interests, the things you really enjoy doing. You must find yourself again. The above advice about working out is excellent, for example. Learning new skills and doing something you like is a natural way to nurture the sense of self-worth.

Ultimately you're the only one that deep down knows if you really enjoy hanging around this clique.
If the answer is no, and for some reason you can't or won't cut off contacts with them, you may still want to give them the benefit of the doubt; get to know them with low-key, one-on-one conversations, they'd most assuredly behave differently not in a group.

Practice failure. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm dead serious. Think of some kind of interaction that scares you, and perform it, knowing fully in advance you'll fail. Not 'hoping you won't fail', perform it knowing you'll fail for sure (this goes without saying, baby steps: pick obviously something that won't have lasting consequences, but that you still deem scary and embarrassing).
That works wonders in defanging nightmares of worst case scenarios. It's like learning to fall and get up for skiers.

This is probably too long, and nobody's going to read this, but hey, worth a try.

See this? Calling yourself a twat in the title, blurting out that nobody's gonna read what you wrote? If it's a habit, please, stop it. It doesn't come off as the white flag of self-deprecation, it comes off as feeling sorry for yourself, and you deserve way better than that.

Self-deprecation done well is a honest invite to soul-baring: it says 'I'm pathetic, but there's no shame in it, I'm just human', it's the acknowledgment and exposition of your shortcomings and how you face them; something incredibly brave.
The clumsy variant of self-deprecation ('I'm pathetic, please give me some reasons to not feel as such') can come off as manipulation, fishing for compliments, or emotional burdening coming from unhealthy boundaries, and attracts all sorts of toxic friendships/relationships that try to pass themselves off as a surrogate of your self-esteem.

You cannot control what people will think about you. You can only change what they know about you.

Take heart and hang in there.

[Mlamlah]

I'm not trying to be mean or derail, but something you said very early on in your very first post kind of annoyed me Dredonius.
You said that introverts actively want to be away from people, that's simply not true. Introverts are drained by social interaction and do need time to recuperate from a lot of it, but this does *not* mean that they dislike or actively avoid social interaction. I'm an introvert, but i still seek out and need human contact, i take joy and comfort in the presence of friends and family. That said these activities are draining for an introvert, and much as i enjoy spending time with friends there are times that i need a day to sit and read or play video-games or something.
Introvert does not mean people hate, or aversion to social interaction, it just means i regularly need a little time to myself to recuperate.

[Heron TSG]

Way to misinterpret!

No one's a higher authority than anyone else in my groups, but there are some people who are more extroverted than others, and they tend to lead the way. That's all. I meant absolutely nothing other than that.

Alternatively, the more decisive members of a group. Myself and a few other people in my immediate friendspace have a hard time making up our minds about such things as 'where to go to get food', because all of us want to avoid picking a movie that the others won't enjoy. With them, it's coin flips all the time. With certain other friends, they might just up and pick a movie, so long as nobody's directly opposed to it.

And for Sir TooShyToDoAnything, you could try taking a step back and evaluating whether you really want to hang out with them folks. I'm sure there are other people to talk to. I went to a high school with a graduating class of 90, and it wasn't hard to socially avoid certain people if I wanted to. If you don't want to follow the Jesus, ditch the Jesus.