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[kidhedera]

I've never really had that much of a problem with jealousy. I've rarely bothered with monogamy, or insisting on it from my partners.

But at some point, something changed, and now I feel like I'm going crazy.

My current girlfriend and I first hooked up almost a year ago, and got together properly in January. She's beautiful, and lovely, and we fit together really well. Neither of us have ever done monogamy before, but a few weeks after we got together I realised I really couldn't cope with the idea of her sleeping with anyone else. She agreed that we wouldn't sleep with other people, and I trust her and believe her, but I still have flashes of incredibly intense jealousy.

Not even just about things that are currently going on. The fact she slept with anyone else ever just pisses me off if I think about it for too long.

Its weird, and unhealthy and *completely* unreasonable. I keep thinking about how she's with me *now* and thats what matters. She's faithful, and not even that interested in anyone else either specifically or as a generic concept. She's agreed to be monogamous, and even wants to MARRY ME, should they leagalise it. I have nothing to worry about, I should stay calm.

And yet this morning she messaged me cos her boss hit on her, and I have a flash of rage and I want to go knock his block off.

I'm sure part of it is my own insecurity. I'm a short, fat, butch dyke, she's a gloriously tall, femme, pretty bisexual geek girl. Some insecurity is natural.

She doesn't really know how jealous I get, or insecure. I've told her that I do get a bit jealous, but I don't think its her job to control my jealousy, thats my job. And insecurity is unattractive, so I try to maintain a calm, cool, and confident demeanour.

I'd really like to feel less intensely angry / panicked when she gets hit on, or mentions an ex, or whatever. Any advice is welcome guys. Any advice at all.

[vadia]

From your very limited description of your life: it seems, to me, that there may be two factors which ma be feeding your jealous feelings.  1. a level of low self esteem and 2. anger issues

There is a lot out about dealing with these two issues books etc., and they may be easier to deal with if they are factors with your jealousy issues.

Mind you I'm not saying either is a problem for you, but from your post they COULD be problems and if so, improving them may improve your jealous reactions.

[kaijyuu]

Well first off I'd be honest rather than trying to downplay how you feel about her, and of course tell her how you don't like your jealousy. Insecurity may be unattractive but keeping secrets is even more so.

Past that I don't think I have any good advice since I might be in the exact same boat someday. Recently I had a minor crush on someone and when he told me of other people he's been with or had been flirting with, I got a little pang of jealousy that I'd never, ever felt before. It's not a good feeling especially when you know just how selfish it is.

I dunno. So I'll be reading the advice in this thread as much as you will

[kidhedera]

@Vadia Yeah, I do have some anger and self esteem issues, mostly they come from some abandonment stuff related to early childhood trauma. I am working on that stuff, but its slow going! You are probably right though, that as those things improve, so will my jealous reactions.

@Kaijyuu I have tried to be quite clear about how jealous I get without belabouring the point, but I'm also quite ashamed by the depth of my feeling. I mean, I had a dream she broke up with me, and in the dream I was so angry I KILLED someone. (I spent the rest of the dream trying to construct a magma garbage disposal system to drop the body into).

I told her about the dream, and she said it was a bit disturbing and she wasn't going to think about it too hard.

I read a whole bunch of those polyamory-focused queer relationship books a few years ago, but skipped the sections on jealousy since that had never been an issue. Maybe I should reread them?

[vadia]

It may also help to know that your gf is interested for your positive qualities, among which include an ability to recognize deficiencies and seek assistance, two qualities which are as about as rare as they are valuable.