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Total Members Voted: 364

[BlueMagic]

This should be interesting...



Yup.

[Splint]

So.... A kobold vomitting all over itself?

[vadia]

interrupted by sponge man"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

 It had to be done, so I'm doing it first!

[Gentlefish]

interrupted by sponge man"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

 It had to be done, so I'm doing it first!

at least sponge men can move. Why not just a giant sponge?

[Slayerhero90]

interrupted by sponge man"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

 It had to be done, so I'm doing it first!

at least sponge men can move. Why not just a giant sponge?

Because spongeman distracted him.

[Yoink]

And for the obligatory Spongebob reference.

[birdy51]

This should be interesting...



Yup.

Ah, it took me a bit. Poor Kobold... He'll probably never walk again!

[misko27]

So, a Herd of Giant Emus had decided to (Roost?) in front of the entrance. As the fort had only recently been established, this was a serious annoyance, so I sent the badly trained expedition leader after them to disperse them, maybe rough'em up a bit. He instead opted to use the "slaughter the shit out of them one at a time, scare the fuckers off" method. He started chasing them one at a time, murdering the shti out of them, but I noticed something weird. He would hit them, but they'd keep running. He'd slash them with his axe again, and they'd keep running. They all kept running until moter nerves were severed. They left very long Blood trails all over the outside as they ran and he ran after them. None ever attacked, only ran and ran and ran.

[doublestrafe]

My guess is that Goomba's skill has sharply improved after all this drawing, and he is no longer capable of drawing reports sufficiently badly.

[JimDale]

His drawing style reminds me a bit of Cyanide and Happiness.

[tomio175]

So, I had a siege and one of my soldiers chopped out ALL Of the enemy's teeth before killing him. That's actually pretty cool.

[Burnup]

Whether these amuse you is yet to be seen, but I enjoyed these recent stories from the daily life of Lashedvessel.

#1. My broker is also a swordsdwarf who happens to be missing his left lower leg. (His full name is Sigun Honoredboulder the Permanent Friend of Wings, a reasonable title for a one-legged man.) At the time of my most recent siege, he was off reloading a cage trap in the wilderness and was promptly attacked by converging squads of goblins. His combat reports went as so:
1. The broker severs the goblin's head/hand/arm/leg with a single blow from his steel short sword
2. The broker crushes the goblin's chest/head or breaks the goblin's arm/leg with his silver crutch
3. (Optional) The broker falls down, goblin attacks/broker dodges, the broker stands up
4. Repeat.
At the end of his solo encounter, he was unharmed but coated with the blood of the 19 goblins he'd dispatched.
----
Meanwhile, on the other side of the battlefield:
#2. The duchess has given birth to a girl!
The duchess cancels kill goblin pikeman, seeking infant. (This was not actually reported, but that's what one would expect.)
The goblin pikeman attacks the duchess, but she dodges.
The dwarf baby bites the goblin pikeman in the 2nd toe, left foot.
The dwarf baby has latched on firmly!
The duke consort strikes the goblin pikeman in the head with his bronze whip, bashing the skull/brain/blahblah.
The goblin maceman strikes the duke consort, knocking out the lower front teeth with his iron mace.
The duke consort falls over.
The duchess fires a steel bolt from her bismuth bronze crossbow and pierces the goblin maceman's heart. (goblin bleeds out, quickly)
The ogre kicks at the duke consort, but he rolls away.
The dwarf baby bites the ogre on the right lower leg, latches on firmly!
The duchess shoots steel bolts from the bismuth bronze crossbow, peppering the ogre's every part.
The duke consort lashes the ogre all over, causing multiple wounds.
The dwarf baby shakes the ogre, doing little!
The duchess and duke's oldest son stabs the ogre in the skull/brain from behind with his steel spear, ogre dies.
Duke consort stands up, duchess retrieves daughter, everyone moves on.
Yup! It's family night at Lashedvessel!
---
#3. One of my speardwarfs emerged from an encounter with only a severe beard injury. X! Broken tissue, D! Heavy damage, In infection. He went to the hospital to Rest Injury. The Chief Medical Dwarf diagnosed him, then she washed his beard with Giant Cave Spider Soap (for the silkiness?), and sutured (?grafted? braided?) the beard with forgotten beast hair thread. (I know for a fact that my only hairy forgotten beast at that point was a triclops salamander with flowing pink hair.) They apparently had an "I love you doctor!" moment, because they married as soon as he got out of bed.
---
#4. When the next forgotten beast with hair arrived, a giant ladybug with patchy saffron hair and a poisonous bite, I miscalculated and thought it was in a part of the cavern with no access to my fort and paid it no further mind. I learned the error of my ways when a young 13 year-old weaver on his way to gather silk was interrupted by the thing, right on the stairs leading into the fort proper. This weaver happened to also be a new military recruit who'd inherited an artifact steel axe from a recent casualty. He battled that ladybug in a retreating action up the stairs until he finally drove it into an abandoned mineshaft and cornered it off in a side chamber. They battled for a very very long time. It attacked, he dodged or blocked, he attacked and chipped/dented its body parts. It was his moment of glory! Or it was, until a 136 year-old veteran hammerlord came down the stairs and >>kicked<< its brain in with his first and only attack.
(Take note, whippersnapper.)

This, ladies and gentlemen, deserves a comic strip.

[Bigheaded]

#3 has been done.

Rest haven't been done and were amusing to read.

[Loud Whispers]

Goomba, to prove that you are alive, draw a goomba EDWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD

BELLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[GoombaGeek]

Just how big are wagons!?

Unfortunately, I lack the worldly experience to draw the other reports at this time. Just wait until the idealism wears off.