Merlin. What now, motherfuckers? What now?
Nothing, I respect Merlin.
Merlin. Eldritch Abominations are like, "Whoa, it's Merlin. I ain't talkin' no shit on Merlin."
Signature achieved.
>Convince GLaDOS that lich would make good experimental subject
>Don't die due to neurotoxin
>Help any women with portal guns I see.
(6) SHE SEES YOUR POINT, BUT ALSO SEES THAT IT REQUIRES GREAT INTELLIGENCE TO CONVINCE HER OF ANYTHING. SHE FREES CHELL, "HIRING" YOU INSTEAD. (4) "NEUROTOXIN? WHAT NEUROTOXIN?".
BECOME ARMY OF 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000 GANGSTERS, FIGHTING FOR TWOPACK'S VENGEANCE.
OPEN FIRE: KILL THE LICH BITCH AND HER MOTHERFUCKING GOLEM.
(4) THAT'S A LOT OF GANGSTERS, ALL BEHIND ONE BANNER. (6) THEY ALL CAST NUMEROUS DARK MAGIC SPELLS, INCLUDING ALL THE INSTANT DEATH ONES. OH WAIT. DAMN.
METAMORPHSE TO GIANT ROTTING SKIN
LAND ON LICH, INFECTING HER WITH A FLESH AND S(4)
OUL EATING DISEASE THAT ACTS WITHIN 5 PICOSECONDS.
(4) THATS REALLY GROSS. (5) YOU SOMEHOW SOAR THROUGH THE AIR, BEFORE LANDING ON THE LICH AND INFECTING HER. SHE SCREAMS IN AGONY AS TIDBITS OF HER DISSOLVE. (5+2) BUT THEN, SHE FIRES OFF A WAVE OF ELDRITCH ENERGY, CLEANSING THE VIRUS FROM HER SYSTEM, AND SENDING YOU INTO THE AIR, HURTLING TOWARDS YOUR COMRADES.
Curse damned frost demons.
>ROB APERTURE SCIENCE FOR SHOOTY STUFF
>BUILD SEXISM GUN
>SHOOT AT LICHETTE
(3) YOU GET THE USELESS 1 PORTAL GUN. THE ONE THAT ONLY SHOOTS BLUE PORTALS. (6) YOU THEN BUILD A SEXISM GUN, AND TEST IT ON YOURSELF. GRR. MASCULINITY! EMBOLDENED BY YOUR WEAPON, YOU TAKE A FLYING LEAP AT THE LICHETTE TO COPULATE WITH HER, (5+2) BUT ARE SHOT DOWN, BOTH ROMANTICALLY AND LITERALLY. THE LITERAL PART TAKES THE FORM OF BEING DISSOLVES IN A WAVE OF MAGIC. THE ROMANTIC PART TAKING THE FORM OF NOT SHAGGING AN UNDEAD MONSTER. WAIT, WHAT?
Load Pepper Gun.
Shoot at Golem Nose.
(1) YOU SHOVE PEPPERS UP YOUR NOSE. OH WOW, THAT BURNS. THAT BURNS WAY TOO MUCH. (6) NEVER DISMAYED BY THE THREAT OF DISMEMBERMENT AND/OR DEATH, YOU SNEEZE AT THE GOLEM, FIRING PEPPERS AT IT. THEY BOUNCE OFF.
>TAKEN FOR GRANITE?
>INFECT THE LICH WITH TVTROPES.
>WATCH HOW THE LICH LOSES FREE TIME
(1) SHE'S TOO BUSY DESTROYING THE WORLD FOR THAT. SHE DISREGARDS IT IN SUCH A WAY, THAT YOUR EGO IS HURT. (6) SHE DOES, HOWEVER, SPEND SO MUCH TIME EXPLAINING WHY CATALOUGING STORY DEVICES AND VARIOUS THINGS ARE A USELESS PURSUIT, THAT SHE GETS -5 FREE TIME. THIS LOOPS ALL THE WAY BACK AROUND, GIVING HER 29 HOURS OF FREE TIME DAILY.
((Um... did I succeed in consuming dinosaur hell? I expected that to take multiple turns if it could succeed at all. Oh well, I'm just as happy retconning that action out of the game.))
Elope with mafia boss's daughter, retire for a while in a pleasant part of toaster hell while disguised as toasters to avoid her father.
((I think the missed turns is a sign that the game is becoming too chaotic and might have too many players. I'm stepping out for now, but I may return later))
(6) YOU NEVER NOTICED JUST HOW HORRIFICALLY UGLY SHE WAS BEFORE, WHAT WITH BEING A MOTHERFUCKING DINOSAUR.
JOIN RANDOM HERO AND HELP THEM WITH... WHATEVER THEY ARE DOING.
(4) YOU JOIN UP WITH TCMS ARMY, BRINGING DOWN A SERIES OF CUTEBOLD TO "ASSIST" HIS GANGSTERS.
SPLIT aLL ORBS IN TWO!
TAKE ONE HALF OF THE SPLIT ORBS AND MAKE THE TEAMWORK ORB
LOAD INTO ORB CANON AND FIRE AT BOSS
(2) YOU CAST FRACTIONIZE ON AN ORB, AND IT REFLECTS IT BACK AT YOU, RIPPING YOU INTO 100 SEPERATE 100THS.
I died. Shit. Respawn as Dumblore Merlin with a shotgun.
(1) YOU RESPAWN AS THAT BITCH-ASS PUNK ARTHUR WITH A STICK.
Have to get a good roll eventually. ATTEMPT TO DISTRACT LICH TO EITHER BOOST HERO ROLLS OR LOWER LICH ROLLS BY TELLING THEM THEY'RE BAD AND SHOULD FEEL BAD. REMIND THEM OF WHEN THEY BINGED ON ICE CREAM OUT OF SADNESS AND THEY LOOK FAT IN THAT CLOAK.
(2) "HEY LICH! YOU LOOK HOT! IT MUST BE HOW YOU HAVE A WELL BALANCED DIET! SOULS TASTE GOOD, AND ARE GOOD FOR YOU!"
DISTRACT GREAT GOLEM (the incinerator one) WITH POKEMON GOLEM SO I CAN EASILY TAKE CONTROL OVER THE GREAT GOLEM (the incinerator one).
(6) YOU ENCOUNTER A WILD RAYQUAZA GOLEM! YOU WHITE OUT...
BOSS TURN:
The Lich blushes deeply in her undead cheeks, before magically pulling Dirg over to her, (5+2+2) and calls upon her magic and one of the rules of story telling. Evil is always hot. And she is. She is very much so. (5+2). Then, she tears him to itty bitty bits using her demonic claws, before she admits her infatuation. Dirg also gets a -1 to rolls against her, and vica-versa due to her being tsundere for him.
BOSS STATUS
Hot Undead Wizard
Spheres Discovered:
Flame-Misko
Frost-Misko
Gun-TCM
Slademantine-Golem
Chocolate-Great Golem
Meta-Miuaw62
Heart-Lich
Blood-Great Golem
Chaos-Dirg
Sound-Misko
Dragon-Great Golem
Mud-Great Golem
Light-Great Golem
Imagination-Great Golem
Law-Lich
MINIONS
ZOMARA
1 PINEAPPLE GOLEM
The Wizard
GREAT GOLEM
NEUTRAL
WOLFCHILD DEMON OF WAR
CAERWYN HARBINGER OF PLAGUE
TIRUIN FAMINE BRNGER
RTD FAMINE BRINGER
NIRUR TORIR DARK CONVERSATIONALIST
CORAI, THE MOST RECENT TRAITOR
LUCAS
CHRISTEHCHRIS, FISH WIELDER
RAPTORFANGAMER, THE NEEDY
HEROES
GREENSTARFANATIC LIFE/LOVE INCARNATE AND LOVING HUSBAND
GREATWYRMGOLD, A DRAGON, AND THE POPE OF MISKO
YOINK, THE RETURNER
CORAI, THE SACRIFICE
MISKO, SCREAMING NUTJOB
JETEX, MCCLAY SLAYER
DIRG, THE ULTIMATE PARTY CRASHER
LORDSLOWPOKE, THE NETHACK REFERENCE
TCM, ORB ABOVE THE GOLEM
MIAUW62, THE WORLDS WORST STAGE
HANSLANDA, CTHULU
OBDURA, THE GUY I FORGOT
MISKO, THE GOD OF FLAME AND MUSIC
ARENA STATUS
DICK
BFFL
XANTALOS, HUGE ASSHOLE
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