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[Araph]

Spoiler: Somewhat Unnecessary Background Blathering (click to show/hide)

So, I've been feeling really depressed the last few days. I don't know what is actually considered clinically depressed, and I don't mean to lessen any dangerous implications of true depression, so in this case I'm referring to depressed as being relative to my lowest valley of inexplicable sadness that I can remember. I've been feeling sort of... well, not quite useless; just not good enough. Whenever I run through the list of things that are positives about me, I feel like none of my claims actually have any substance. Like I'm just sort of okay at the things I used to think I was great at, and that I'm actually bad at the things I thought I was okay at. When all of the things I actually thought I was skilled at seemed to crumble before observation, the rest of my illusions broke down with them.

I try to think objectively, considering my competence at my hobbies from an impartial standpoint, I know that it's not as bad as it feels. Sadly, emotion has reason in a choke hold right now. I switch back and forth from thinking of it relative to the majority of the population to comparing myself to professionals, or people who are incredibly gifted at whatever it is, or even fictional characters. The conclusion I reach is that I suck at what I enjoy.

It doesn't help that I don't have that many friends. Sort of. I get along fine with practically everybody I meet, but there isn't really anybody who I have a strong friendship with. The only person who I really have a meaningful friendship with is my brother, who is two years older than me and awesome. The rest of the time, well... Yeah. Not really any human contact. In the past month, I've only really interacted with people outside my immediate family (and my brother's girlfriend) once. I spend all day sitting around; working, but still just sitting around alone in front of a computer screen. My family and Bay12 are all that have kept me from collapsing into a mentally broken heap. I still keep working on projects, telling myself that the metaphorical clouds will pass, just keep plowing through the nothing. But now, even when I feel like I've accomplished something, it's weighed down by that little voice saying 'but really, what good does this do?'.

But the weird thing is, I can still function. I've been depressed before, to the point of skipping a class and breaking down crying (note that skipping a class for me is a really big deal; on the alignment scale, I fall at the deep end of lawful), but I've never been able to keep working. So, I figure I should put that to use. With that in mind, I'm going to make myself better, until I can look at myself and think 'You know what? You actually are pretty good'.

Tl;dr:
I've decided to be better. Who's with me?!

There's stuff I'm practicing at or working on, or whatever other verb fits, but I'd really appreciate it if people could suggest stuff to do, skills to learn, things to improve. I just really feel the need to actually fill up my time during the day, because I feel like utter crap the moment I stop acting.

[Lectorog]

Yeah, let's do it!
I'm trying to become a better programmer. Right now, I'm inexcusably terrible for having spent over 150 hours on tutorials and independent working.

What are your hobbies?
Making chainmail is something that's easy to get good at, unique, and has a visible product after every step, so it's something that makes you feel good. Interested?
I don't make much anymore because it leaves me alone with my thoughts, which tends to turn out poorly.

Martial arts?
Cooking?
Writing? Art?

Improvement is much easier if you focus on one thing at a time. Sharpen a skill and see what you get from it. What interests you?

[Ancre]

Yeah, I'm with you !

For my part I'm trying to put my life in order after five years of walking in circles and realizing nothing. All of my friends are working toward a master's degree, and I'm still here with my high school diploma and barely anything else done. I want to join the army, and I'm working toward that. Sort of ...

What are you working on ? How are you doing it ?

What do you want to work on ? Like Lectorog said, what are your hobbies ?

Also, don't cram your days with stuff to do just to avoid problems. If trying to get stuff done is a way to tackle your issues, then it's good, but if you're working just to get your mind occupied and not think about your problems, if activities are a sort of avoidance, then it's not so good. If you're doing the latter, then actually looking for help will be more productive. But you seem to handle it well from the tl;dr I did read.

[Miggy]

For me, learning to play the piano, baking and strength training are doing the trick.

[Shook]

Well, first of all, there's nothing wrong with not being the Bach of <insert activity you like>, what matters is that you have fun doing it. I, for example, am FAR from the best at anything i like, but it's still fun to do. The fact that i might get better is just a bonus. But, i know that nagging little voice all too well, it has tried to get me down before (and it has, though not to the degree of depression).

So, i'm with you! I (somehow) need to learn to speak more clearly, because what currently comes out of my mouth is a raging torrent of mud. Basically, fast talking coupled with muddled speech and a REALLY deep voice. It's probably just a matter of speaking more slowly, because my mouth can't keep up with my rate of thinking. And speaking just a bit louder. But y'know, when one has spoken in one particular manner ever since ones voice went from baby-soprano to sub-bass, it's a really hard habit to break.

And, as much as i hate to admit it, i'm a bit conscientious about my slim frame. My BMI says i'm normal weight, which probably isn't wrong either (75 kg at 190 cm, approximately), but i wouldn't mind being able to put on some moar beef. I'm not particularly weak, it's just that my arms look like twigs. Might just be my genetics doing that though, supposedly my mom's father was pretty slim too (he died before i was born), and it's obvious that my bro has my own pops' body type. Can't hurt to get in a better shape anyways, geology isn't an entirely sedimentary line of study. (NO REGRETS)

[LordBucket]

suggest stuff to do

Review events in your life. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come from reviewing them. Don't hold them back, and don't add to them. Don't punish yourself. Don't "judge" whether your actions were wise or foolish. Don't tell yourself that what others did to you was fair or unfair. Simply allow the emotions to flow, regardless of what they may be.

[Araph]

Yeah, let's do it!
I'm trying to become a better programmer. Right now, I'm inexcusably terrible for having spent over 150 hours on tutorials and independent working.

What are your hobbies?
Making chainmail is something that's easy to get good at, unique, and has a visible product after every step, so it's something that makes you feel good. Interested?
I don't make much anymore because it leaves me alone with my thoughts, which tends to turn out poorly.

I'm trying to become a good programmer also; that's what I spend most of my time doing. Someday when I have money, I want to build a forge and try my hand at metalworking, but that's not in the cards right now.

As for hobbies, I play guitar, draw (or paint; I'm not sure what you would call drawing in Photoshop), and program. I like building stuff, but that's a pastime that tends to require spending money.

Also, don't cram your days with stuff to do just to avoid problems. If trying to get stuff done is a way to tackle your issues, then it's good, but if you're working just to get your mind occupied and not think about your problems, if activities are a sort of avoidance, then it's not so good. If you're doing the latter, then actually looking for help will be more productive. But you seem to handle it well from the tl;dr I did read.

I try to fill up my days mostly because I don't think there's anything else I can do to eliminate the problem aside from waiting it out. In the past, waiting it out was the only thing that worked.

Well, first of all, there's nothing wrong with not being the Bach of <insert activity you like>, what matters is that you have fun doing it. I, for example, am FAR from the best at anything i like, but it's still fun to do. The fact that i might get better is just a bonus. But, i know that nagging little voice all too well, it has tried to get me down before (and it has, though not to the degree of depression).

And, as much as i hate to admit it, i'm a bit conscientious about my slim frame. My BMI says i'm normal weight, which probably isn't wrong either (75 kg at 190 cm, approximately), but i wouldn't mind being able to put on some moar beef. I'm not particularly weak, it's just that my arms look like twigs. Might just be my genetics doing that though, supposedly my mom's father was pretty slim too (he died before i was born), and it's obvious that my bro has my own pops' body type. Can't hurt to get in a better shape anyways, geology isn't an entirely sedimentary line of study. (NO REGRETS)

I know there's nothing wrong with not being an expert at random hobbies, but I would like to be competent at the stuff I like to do.

And about the second quoted paragraph, I want to get in better shape, too. I currently have wimpy T-Rex arms and chicken legs, so I'm trying to work out regularly in an effort to acquire muscle. Also, you get off the hook with regards to the pun, because it was about rocks and it reminded me of Hamstone.

suggest stuff to do

Review events in your life. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come from reviewing them. Don't hold them back, and don't add to them. Don't punish yourself. Don't "judge" whether your actions were wise or foolish. Don't tell yourself that what others did to you was fair or unfair. Simply allow the emotions to flow, regardless of what they may be.

That's... rather painful for me. When I look back at my life, I think two things: 1) Wow, I got lucky with a lot of circumstances about family and stuff, and 2) MY GOD I WAS AN IDIOT. I tend to latch on to the things that I messed up at or that made me look foolish, and it's hard to let go of that. For the most part, I simply want to leave most of my past self behind and start over.

Also, thank you for responding, everyone! I really, really appreciate it.

[LordBucket]

it's hard to let go of that. For the most part

Letting go is exactly the point. Buried emotions are merely buried, not gone. If thinking of your past causes feelings of anger and regret...those feelings are there inside you whether or not you think about them.

Release them.

[eerr]

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

So, I've been feeling really depressed the last few days. I don't know what is actually considered clinically depressed, and I don't mean to lessen any dangerous implications of true depression, so in this case I'm referring to depressed as being relative to my lowest valley of inexplicable sadness that I can remember. I've been feeling sort of... well, not quite useless; just not good enough. Whenever I run through the list of things that are positives about me, I feel like none of my claims actually have any substance. Like I'm just sort of okay at the things I used to think I was great at, and that I'm actually bad at the things I thought I was okay at. When all of the things I actually thought I was skilled at seemed to crumble before observation, the rest of my illusions broke down with them.

I try to think objectively, considering my competence at my hobbies from an impartial standpoint, I know that it's not as bad as it feels. Sadly, emotion has reason in a choke hold right now. I switch back and forth from thinking of it relative to the majority of the population to comparing myself to professionals, or people who are incredibly gifted at whatever it is, or even fictional characters. The conclusion I reach is that I suck at what I enjoy.

It doesn't help that I don't have that many friends. Sort of. I get along fine with practically everybody I meet, but there isn't really anybody who I have a strong friendship with. The only person who I really have a meaningful friendship with is my brother, who is two years older than me and awesome. The rest of the time, well... Yeah. Not really any human contact. In the past month, I've only really interacted with people outside my immediate family (and my brother's girlfriend) once. I spend all day sitting around; working, but still just sitting around alone in front of a computer screen. My family and Bay12 are all that have kept me from collapsing into a mentally broken heap. I still keep working on projects, telling myself that the metaphorical clouds will pass, just keep plowing through the nothing. But now, even when I feel like I've accomplished something, it's weighed down by that little voice saying 'but really, what good does this do?'.

But the weird thing is, I can still function. I've been depressed before, to the point of skipping a class and breaking down crying (note that skipping a class for me is a really big deal; on the alignment scale, I fall at the deep end of lawful), but I've never been able to keep working. So, I figure I should put that to use. With that in mind, I'm going to make myself better, until I can look at myself and think 'You know what? You actually are pretty good'.

Ehh?

Learn What?

Code: [Select]

Like I'm just sort of [i]okay[/i] at the things I used to think I was great at, and that I'm actually bad at the things I thought I was okay atWell if you don't like what you did in the past, now,
 why would you like what you're doing now, in the future?

[Lectorog]

Someday when I have money, I want to build a forge and try my hand at metalworking, but that's not in the cards right now.

Getting a start on metalworking wouldn't be too expensive. No quality forge or anything, but you could probably make knives out of railroad spikes, and smaller projects.
Here's a blacksmith's thread, if you haven't seen it.

Review events in your life. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come from reviewing them.

Release them.

Is reviewing things until you no longer emotionally care about them the way to do this? If so, I do that frequently, and it's not a pleasant process. That's the main reason I force myself to do things, particularly absorbing things like video games, rather than sit around and think all day.

Well if you don't like what you did in the past, now,
 why would you like what you're doing now, in the future?

I don't think he was ever saying that, and that's not a good way to think about it. That kind of thinking gets you into doing nothing. Which is bad.

[Araph]

Code: [Select]

Like I'm just sort of [i]okay[/i] at the things I used to think I was great at, and that I'm actually bad at the things I thought I was okay atWell if you don't like what you did in the past, now,
 why would you like what you're doing now, in the future?

I'm not saying I don't like what I did in the past; I'm saying I don't like the quality of what I did in the past.

Letting go is exactly the point.

That's what I've been doing, I think. Although my letting go of past stupidity is pretty close to me forcing myself to say 'meh' about whatever I did and then making myself forget about it.

Someday when I have money, I want to build a forge and try my hand at metalworking, but that's not in the cards right now.

Getting a start on metalworking wouldn't be too expensive. No quality forge or anything, but you could probably make knives out of railroad spikes, and smaller projects.
Here's a blacksmith's thread, if you haven't seen it.

I made some designs for a large forge, made with bricks and having air piped in through vents on the bottom. I estimated how much it would cost and figured it to be around $100, so that's what I'm currently saving up for. I've noticed that saving money tends to work better when you're actually receiving money, though.

[eerr]

Have you tried thinking about things and doing them again?

Or describing them in detail?

[MaximumZero]

Martial arts?
Cooking?
Writing? Art?

Get out of my head! Y U DESCRIBE ME!?

[Astral]

Martial arts would be a great step towards self improvement, as well as getting out there and meeting people/forming relationships that will last for a very long time.

I started when I was 8 and stopped around 18, and still keep up with people from my organization. Nothing says life long friendship with some of these people like the blood sweat and tears you go through, the physical and mental discipline, and the spiritual side. Though the last part may be more a matter of what type of classes you are looking for. I started at a recreation center, but it ended up evolving into so much more.

I need to get back into it. Lack of time, college and work got in the way, but now with a steady job and college done and over with, I feel a need to get back into shape.

[MaximumZero]

You and me both, bro. I miss the tournament atmosphere so much. ;_;