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[lawastooshort]

"No! The Emporer of All Rocks is God of All Worlds! You can't!"

[LordBucket]

Get Mittens to cheer you up. Also, maybe you should feed him.
He's pawing at the bag of cat food.

Suddenly remembering the name of your cat, it occurs to you that maybe he was facepawing and mewling out of hunger. Yes, that must be it. He is way too cool a cat to be unhappy about your forum game.

While you're hesitant to get up from the computer during such a critical phase of game creation, you feel confident that the players will be so eagerly spamming F5 on their keyboards that they'll simply be overjoyed at your return.

You go to the pantry and pull out some delicious moist cat food for Mittens. He comes running at the sound of the can opening, and you feel immensely better at having cleared up the misunderstanding between you.

Think up a completely ridiculous algorithm in which to roll any and all combat scenarios, regardless of any outside factors.

While you feed Mittens, you begin thinking about the mechanics of the game itself. How will inter-rock dating work? How many experience points should be awarded for good rock roleplay? What about combat?

Oh, dear! Combat!

You hadn't even considered that. Still, all the cool people are still making characters so you figure you probably have time.

After an hour, you come up with the following:


ok ugys herez how stats wil werk:

stregngth: 3-18
intellijence: 3-18
dextriety: 3-18
wisdumb: 3-18
consitishun: 3-18
cherisma: 3-18

evrybody gets 2 roll for styats and combat will be basd on them.


You feel very proud for having thought up that entirely original stat system all on your own. Surely it will accommodate any and all possible combat and roleplaying scenarios.

Best to ignore him. You have a backstory to think up. And while you're at it, why not submit a character to your game? Best get in whilst you can.

(Anyway, they are only being hurtful due to their jealousy, you could post them a link to some counselling? Or medication?)

Also see if that jealous troll has a game, and if so, why not submit an ironic character to it?

Wisely realizing that the silly troll is simply suffering from emotional trauma from an unhappy childhood, you decide the best thing you can do is to be understanding and helpful in their time of need. And troll their own forum game in return.

Looking through his forum history, you find a number of very boring threads. "MSPA Homestuck: Vol. 9."  "Things Yasuna finally got punched for today thread." "Things that made you go "WTF?" today," Nothing very interesting. Except...OH!

You find one!

The troll has been posting in a small forum thread entitled "You are an Eldritch Abomination. Sadly it doesn't seem to have characters, but nevertheless you post an ironic post in the thread and feel very much better for doing so.


What do you do?

[Trapezohedron]

"((why you no anser me!!!! rezpond, farkwhittle!))"

New guy's grin goes down really fast. He realizes he's being ignored. Being the attention whore that he is, he whines in this thread, attempting to derail it ASAP.

[BlastoiseWarlorf]

Make sure to bump your game regularly. Don't let it drift lower than thread three on page 1!

[kingfisher1112]

Lose intrest, make a new one.

[lawastooshort]

Post a player list and ask for first actions, you may as well get started.

[LordBucket]

Lose intrest, make a new one.

You post the following:


hey gyus im board wit this so imma go make sum hotpockets and thts it ok? thnks for yer intrst laterz

Make sure to bump your game regularly. Don't let it drift lower than thread three on page 1!

Feeling bad about having abandoned the game after all the hard work you put into it, you bump it a couple times just so the people who weren't fast enough to be part of it will get to see how awesome it was.

Post a player list and ask for first actions, you may as well get started.

Feeling really bad about having abandoned the game, you decide to make it look like the game has started, just to cheer up your loyal players. Surely they'll know it's not really the game, but seeing a pretend game will lighten their hearts and reduce the pain of loss they must surely be feeling.


ok gysu letz get sarted here we go playerz are deth, buubles and empoor of roks. emppoor is my own chartcer becuz this game iz so awesum that i hafta play to k? grate le'ts sart now



What scenario will you create for your loyal players?

[Cheeetar]

As funny as this is, it's a little meanspirited
Poor little thread creators, all full of hope and spunk.

[LordBucket]

As funny as this is, it's a little meanspirited

I look at it another way: As meanspirited as it is...it's funny because it's true. We've had a lot of bad forum games lately.

[BlastoiseWarlorf]

And I Mean, If you can't laugh at yourself.

[lawastooshort]

Scenario

The uh in the um er is that and because, so they have to get some power and control the map guys, which you can do by taking the map control

Post your actions!

Rock Emprrr creates an army of wolf-fiends in the yellow zone!

[LordBucket]

The uh in the um er is that and because, so they have to get some power and control the map guys, which you can do by taking the map control

You post explaining that the object of the game is to take control of the entire map. In a fit of genius you then use your first turn to create an army of wolf-fiends in the yellow zone, giving you a lead already over the other players. Playing in your own games that you run is obviously the best way to do things.

Within a few minutes, the players of Bubbles and Death post their turns as well.


Death:
I kill your wolf fiends because I'm the god of death. So they die. Because I can kill stuff.


Bubbles:
My fairy sprites are happy vegan life-loving creatures of happiness and joy! They would never succumb to such petty desires as conquest. So instead we all sit around and have a happy tea party together!


So that's it, then. Three players (including yourself) have submitted turns and it's time for you, as gamemaster, to arbitrate the results of the turn.

What do you do?

[BlastoiseWarlorf]

Attempt to load up the Google doc sheets for them. Once you give up, roll all the dice in your cabinet to find out who wins.

[lawastooshort]

Roll the algorithms!

But point out that their turn results are not valid until they submit they updated google docs spreadsheet including their resource mining.

[LordBucket]

Attempt to load up the Google doc sheets for them. Once you give up, roll all the dice in your cabinet to find out who wins.

You decide to be fair and use google doc sheets to decide the results of the turn. And while you don't know anything about google docs yourself, you do know how to use google's search engine, so you type in "doc sheets" into google and click search. Unfortunately this gives you a website containing the physician profile of Dr Richard Sheets in Columbus, Ohio. This confuses you greatly, as while you're not entirely sure what exactly "gastroenterology" is, you're fairly certain it doesn't relate to rockgod combat.

Instead you roll all your dice to determine results. You very carefully count up the dice total, and the final result is 347. You have a lot of dice.

point out that their turn results are not valid until they submit
they updated google docs spreadsheet including their resource mining.

You post the following to the thread:


hey gusy i rold 347 4 teh combts but it dusnt count bcuz yu havnet done the googly docs like the rulez sed so there


Within minutes, both your players respond:


Death: Yeah, so? You haven't either. Remember you were going to give a sample template? I don't see that and you did your turn, so I don't see why anybody else should need to.


Bubbles: Yay! It is a sign! You two tried to fight and it didn't work! Let's all live in happy love and harmony, rocks and sprites and gods together! We can all have tea parties! Yay!


What do you do?