Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 7

Author Topic: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo  (Read 17346 times)

freeformschooler

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #15 on: May 24, 2012, 10:10:05 am »
>Activate PRESIDENTECH Lvl. 12: Lethal Legislation
Logged

Chink

  • Bay Watcher
  • !
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #16 on: May 24, 2012, 02:35:13 pm »
Quote from: freeformschooler on May 24, 2012, 10:10:05 am
>Activate PRESIDENTECH Lvl. 12: Lethal Legislation
+1
Logged

Doomblade187

  • Bay Watcher
  • Requires music to get through the working day.
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #17 on: May 24, 2012, 02:42:40 pm »
Logged
Quote from: Hanslanda on October 27, 2018, 12:45:27 pm
In any case it would be a battle of critical thinking and I refuse to fight an unarmed individual.
Quote from: JoshuaFH on February 13, 2020, 07:38:07 am
One mustn't stare into the pathos, lest one become Pathos.

lawastooshort

  • Bay Watcher
  • goodness what
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #18 on: May 24, 2012, 04:23:12 pm »
You start choking the bartender alive, pinning him to the floor as you strain your mental chords to activate President Lincoln. You squeeze and squeeze, dripping out a few drips of presidential crotch sweat into your aggressor's repulsive bartender mouth. You feel a wave of panic sweep over the man. You smile inside.

"You know what I goddamned hate? Trees. Bastards – ruined a once happy childhood and set me on a path of evil. Bastard goddamned trees. And you know what else? Yeah, you, punk! And I'm the goddamn President, man."

Lincoln stops screaming into the bartender's face to straighten up and search his pockets. He finds what he's looking for, a sheet of fine parchment that he keeps  in his jacket for emergency legislatin'. He reaches up to his top hat and pulls out a pen.

"Now, I'm gonna read this out as I write, 'cos you look kinda slow, and I'm gonna read it as slow as you kinda look." He starts scratching across the parchment. "You. Are. God. Damned. Illegal. Bitch. No wait. Scrap that last bit. Have this instead!"

There's a sudden blur of movement; Abraham Lincoln darts forward and downward, jabbing his pen through the bartender's hand and pinning him to the floor! He tries to scream, but Lincoln's Angry Speedo stifles his desperate cries for help until lo! The President tears his Speedo from the miscreant's face, thrusts the brand new legislation into his mouth until he starts to choke, and then removes his top hat, stretching his mighty Speedo over his face leaving two gaping eye holes for him to see through!

Lincoln jumps onto the bar. First he looks down at the bartender trying to pull the pen out of his hand and his hand away from the floor. Then he shoots a fearsome glance at the crowd.

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)
Logged

Chink

  • Bay Watcher
  • !
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #19 on: May 24, 2012, 06:29:48 pm »
Make Linclon use his power of the veto to veto their EXISTENCE!
Logged

SirAaronIII

  • Bay Watcher
  • Western Romanticist
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #20 on: May 24, 2012, 06:34:12 pm »
Jump through the roof and escape, shouting curses and profanities back at the onlookers.
Logged
"I want to watch the sun setting below the horizon, thinking about my significance in this world. That's my dream."

lawastooshort

  • Bay Watcher
  • goodness what
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #21 on: May 25, 2012, 02:50:13 am »
“Dudes,” announces Lincoln in his famously gruff voice, “Why you no take me to your gay bar? You know what I hate? Apart from trees and that there bartender punk? Rejection. Yeah, that’s right. And all of you gone goddamned rejectified me one time too many! So I hate you! Now, I’m the President. I’m a dangerous man to cross. I hereby declare! That! Yo-“

Desperate to escape the tense atmosphere you tear yourself off Lincoln’s face through the sheer power of Speedo-will and propel yourself upwards, breaking a huge hole in the roof of the bar and flying through. You land on the edge of the hole, staring back down at the onlookers surrounding the still speechifying President.

“Asses! Are! Vetoed!”

“God damn you, you god damn pieces of crap!” you yell, “I’m gonna God damn x$%@ your @*£%ing $€@~ like a God damned €$!@ and make your €%&* burn like a rabid monkey’s God damned *€&#ing crotch!”

Suddenly the bar is filled with a fine red mist and the floor littered with liberated internal organs. Abe Lincoln has Presidentially vetoed their asses into a pulp! In the distance a police siren starts to wail.

You scuttle off to the corner of the gay bar’s roof, and peer out at the horizon. Directly ahead you spy the White House; to the left, Congress. What’s to the right? Where should you go? What should you do? What’s the meaning of it all?

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)

Logged

Chink

  • Bay Watcher
  • !
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #22 on: May 25, 2012, 12:25:13 pm »
Head to Congress, fighting the police off on the way.
Logged

lawastooshort

  • Bay Watcher
  • goodness what
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #23 on: May 25, 2012, 01:57:59 pm »
As the swarm of cop cars blaze down the expressway to the decimated bar, you hurl yourself from the roof, catching a gust of wind and gliding over the surface of the road, leaving Abe to face the music. You touch down and starting travelling as fast as possible towards Congress.

But no! One intrepid cop spots you floating through the air and handbrakes round abruptly. His tyres squeal as his trusty squad car thunders back down the road after you. He's catching up! He's caught up! The car spins round, skidding to a halt as the two police officers leap out and take cover behind each door, their service revolvers unholstered in a flash.

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)
Logged

Johnfalcon99977

  • Bay Watcher
  • The Herp Derp Assassin
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #24 on: May 25, 2012, 04:13:50 pm »
And I thought I had seen weirder ideas for Forum games. I don't even know what the hell is going on.

>Fight to death. They will never take you alive!
Logged
Also known as the Knowlagable, the Forgetful, and/or the Ignored

Please excuse my horrible awful linguistic skills.

lawastooshort

  • Bay Watcher
  • goodness what
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #25 on: May 25, 2012, 04:39:04 pm »
You waver, wondering just what the hell is going on, but then you snap back to reality just the way you used to snap back when Abe stuck his thumb inside you and twanged the elastic back onto his hips. Hot damn! Bullets! You duck and roll to avoid a first salvo and then take one last longing look back to your beloved President. I guess he's just gonna have to fend for himself now...

"I can't save you, Abe!" you yell, "There's too many of 'em! Make a run for it out the back while I hold them off!"

You hear a hail of automatic gunfire in the distance as you dash forward, dodging further shots from the cops in front of you, ducking first left and then right as you go, and then suddenly you're in range! You launch yourself through the air and just manage to clear the door the first cop is taking cover behind.

You look him in the eye, poised to pounce.

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)
Logged

MonkeyHead

  • Bay Watcher
  • Yma o hyd...
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #26 on: May 25, 2012, 04:42:27 pm »
Go for the face!
Logged

Sheb

  • Bay Watcher
  • You Are An Avatar
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #27 on: May 25, 2012, 04:57:08 pm »
Jump on the revolver and use your Mighty Presidential Stains of Unknown Origin to disgust him into letting the weapon go. Use it to fight it in the face.
Logged

Quote from: Paul-Henry Spaak
Europe consists only of small countries, some of which know it and some of which don’t yet.

lawastooshort

  • Bay Watcher
  • goodness what
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #28 on: May 25, 2012, 05:05:17 pm »
You know what to do in this kind of situation: you go directly for the face! Balancing on top of the car door, you wait for the punk-ass cop to pull the trigger and then dive aside at the last moment, rolling along the door edge, mustering every last ounce of Abe Lincoln's crotch sweat that you can squeeze out of your shiny stretchy flesh, and you pounce! God damn but you pounce, and hard! You fling yourself right into the officer's eyes, which begin to tear and to swell, but you don't stop! You start burrowing deep into his eye sockets, which is roughly when the screaming starts. You don't care; you are Abe Lincoln's Speedo of Vengeance!

The police officer starts clawing at his face, trying to rip you off and escape, but you just stretch further and further and start covering his face. Just as you're about to flex outwards, you manage to engulf the entire head.

Thinking of Lincoln, you flex your elastic.

PANG!

Your elastic snaps back in at tremendous speed and with terrifying force; the officer's head falls to the floor!

As it rolls off down the freeway, you look up to see his partner aiming his .45 at you.

Silence descends.

A moment passes.

No one says a word.

But just then you leap into the air like a stripy gymnast, leaving the headless body to bleed and attacking the second cop's revolver. You start wrapping yourself around the police officer's hand!

"I," you begin, "Am the Angry Speedo of Lincoln," you continue, as you start squeezing. "I am the last known receptacle of his most American sweat! I am the last seen beaker of his groinal residue! I command you to step aside! DROP THE GODDAMN WEAPON BITCH!"

Shocked out of his mind, the cop drops the gun. You untangle yourself from his hand, float to the floor, and take it. You leap up and smack the cop in the face with his own gun!

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)
Logged

lawastooshort

  • Bay Watcher
  • goodness what
    • View Profile
Re: You Are Abe Lincoln's Angry Speedo
« Reply #29 on: May 25, 2012, 05:10:41 pm »
Why the hell not, you think to yourself. He's just standing there, mouth open like some kind of dumbass who's just been shocked out of his mind, clearly mad with the joy of touching Lincoln's crotch sweat.

"Just gimme the goddamn keys," you hiss, "And perhaps you'll live to see me again."

You drop the gun and jump into the cop's mouth! You begin slithering down his windpipe like that freaky octopus dish! You can feel the throat constricting as the cop's own hand desperately wraps around it. You hear a faint tinkle as his car keys hit the ground.

Spoiler: Stats (click to show/hide)
Logged
Pages: 1 [2] 3 4 ... 7
« previous next »