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[Supermikhail]

It could have been a perfect date if she didn’t kill me.

I was on a subway train on my way to the uni, and normally I ignored other people, but... well, that is a lie, of course. Almost every time - unless I was reading a really interesting book - I would get attracted to some specimen of the fair sex. It didn’t go any further than keeping watch on them in the corner of my eye - until they got off at the wrong station. I remember that time I wondered whether it’s the same way with other people.

She was standing there with a book, her soft blond hair swaying in thin curvy locks to the small accelerations of the car. She wore a slim dress accentuating the agonizing curves of her body. Her lips curved in a slight smile, apparently reflecting the mood of the book. To surmise, she was very attractive in that single glance, before I took my place just a foot to the right of her.

Spoiler: Continued (click to show/hide)

Peripheral vision makes everything... more. If something’s upsetting, it’ll become terrifying in the corner of your eye. If something’s delightful, it will torment you to look at it straight.

Another thing peripheral vision isn’t good for is detecting motion. The train began decelerating and I saw that the beauty was preparing to leave. The train stopped, so I turned for the last yearning sight of her. Instead I stared her straight in the eyes. She smiled, her lips glistening wetly over even white teeth. I turned away in horror. “Oh, god, she looked at me!” I said to myself. “She really did! Did she? She can’t have. Surely she was looking at something behind me. Or it was something in the book.” I calmed down a bit, but couldn’t shake the feeling that she was still looking at me. That would have been really weird. I assured myself that she couldn’t be looking at me, and stole a glance. She still was. Oh, god!

That was something extraordinary, and my thoughts squirmed in a confused heap. With an instinct of a stalked animal I walked away to the end of the car. Of course, I regretted it right away. Some other instinct was pulling me back to her. I argued with it that superficial physical attraction doesn’t mean anything. The instinct asked me to translate that into common body language. Then I was at the station of my destination, and got off with a gutful of mixed feelings. The crowd couldn’t move at a more inconvenient pace.

I got on the escalator, and prepared to give some considerable dreaming time to the girl. Then she stepped up beside me. I think I couldn’t breathe for a moment.

She said, “You have very beautiful eyes.”

I couldn’t help staring at her. She smiled. I noticed a thin tasteful necklace around her neck and a fresh flowery fragrance around her person. Trying to speak didn’t seem such a bad idea. Only to think of something clever. I dug deep for an inspiration, and expected the angel to lose interest by the time something came up. Well, she was still looking at me.

“Really?” I said.

“Yes, I’d like to study them more closely.”

Gulp.

“Like, are you a scientist?” my mouth said as I listened, stunned.

“No, I’m an amateur explorer... Would you like to participate in my study?” And she made the most adorable face.

“Ar... Ur... Does it only concern eyes?”

She touched my hand. Her hand was small, soft, warm. I swallowed. I hope you’ll understand why my recollection after that is more than fuzzy. I’m getting a clear picture again standing at the exit from the subway saying “See you at six.” With a wave the creature was on her way, now in a different direction. See you where? See you whom? I hoped my instinct had been more attentive.

Indeed it had. At ten minutes to six I noticed the familiar slender, fair and light figure next to the subway entrance. I halted and debated with the instinct. “What’s going on? Why is she so eager? Why am I so eager?” The instinct only chuckled. So I came up.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hi!” Chloe replied with sincere joy. “Let’s go.”

We went on the escalator again. Chloe just looked at me. With trepidation, I looked at her. She was just perfect.

“What do you like to eat?” she asked.

“Well, um, practically everything... but I watch my...” I stopped myself just in time. That was an unnecessary detail. “I prefer a healthy diet of fruits, vegetables and, well, a bit of meat.” And a lot of cookies and candy and bread with mayonnaise, and cake and jam and honey, something nagged, although if it was an instinct it was surely a different one.

“Hm,” Chloe said with satisfaction. “I’m more of a carnivore.” And she moved her tongue over her upper teeth. I dared a grin, but inside me there was a storm.

We traveled a couple of stations away, and meanwhile Chloe hooked her arm into mine. It turned out we were going to Chloe’s place. My head swam from the sweet perfume, the soft hair, the tender skin...

We got out of the subway at a big and crowded square, then slipped into the shadows of a quiet alley. I got a vague suspicion of mugging, but dismissed it on the grounds of absurdity.

“Here,” Chloe said, moving towards a door at the corner of the building. At the door she fumbled with her purse for the keys, then turned around and kissed me. It was like nothing I’d ever experienced before (really). We rushed inside, then up the stairs. I followed her, entranced by her thin legs and fit buttocks. Another door.

Her apartment looked a bit empty to me. Certainly nothing like mine, with my family’s bog of footwear next to the door, and a jungle of coats for all occasions. We took off our shoes and put down our bags. Chloe stopped and gazed at me with what I can only describe as lust... Then she took me by the hand and led me into the first room. There was a double bed in the center and... wallpaper on the walls. Chloe backed towards the bed, tripped and fell face up.

I said, “Er.”

Chloe said, “I want you now.”

Some part of me suddenly wanted to run, another part of me felt a need to stay. Clearly the latter was below the waist, because I didn’t move.

Then Chloe started pulling her dress up. I shut my eyes in panic and tried to contain the sudden pressure inside me, although over some manifestations of this phenomenon I had no rule. It occurred to me that it was stupid to be embarrassed over it in the given situation.

The bed creaked and something jumped on my chest, dropping me to the floor. The something smelled like Chloe, but when I opened my eyes I saw four black orbs glistening metallic among bristling white hair. Below it were two leathery pink stumps with two transparent claws sticking out of them. The claws dipped, cutting the skin on my chest, then the... creature moved an inch back. The pink smooth limbs spreading to the sides from the orbs and the claws somehow... must have been... Chloe’s legs. And the orbs and claws themselves seemed to have replaced... the private parts. Then the claws went into my stomach. I thrashed from the terrible pain, and the creature jumped off onto the bed. Crawling away in the mist I saw Chloe’s body contorted into a strange insect shape with the arms turned into hind legs and its eyes staring from between the thighs. It sat alert, watching me. I felt numbness crawling through my limbs. The room was growing dark. The creature jumped on me again. It bent the head beneath it at an impossible (for a human) angle and began pulling a white thread out of the soft hair. I blacked out.

I came to in a world of smudged shapes and dull pain. A kind of net pressed on my skin. Chloe... the creature sat (or lay) on the bed in the shape of a lovely naked girl with her elbows and knees sticking up. I could breathe fine, but my limbs were dead. My stomach felt full for some reason and hurt. I may have wet myself.

I lay there for some time, maybe for hours, and the creature didn’t move. Then I felt a maddening ripple of pain around my midsection and blacked out again.

Next time I awoke the creature was next to me on the left, and it was as if my body was pumped with air. I couldn’t see it, because I couldn’t raise my head.

The creature came close and stepped a leg over my head. Then it spoke, very close to me.

“Soon now. Ooh. Sweet and juicy.”

The voice was quiet, low and full of clicks and rustling. The leg shuffled. Then I felt as if an echo of a feeling somewhere in my body.

The creature clacked, “What’s this? Leaking? Spilt? Spoiled?”

It ran around me.

“Skin too soft. Leaking-leaking! Dirty!”

It scrambled a bit more. Then I discovered I couldn’t breathe as well as before. Breaths came very hard and there was a sensation of itching in my lungs as if I needed to cough, but I couldn’t. I tried to moan, but I couldn’t, too. I began suffocating, but it was difficult to be properly frightened with the fog in the head. Then I may have passed out. Or maybe it was real. If so, the creature grabbed my feet and dragged me into a different room with flashing lights. It scurried around the room, while my mind faded. Then it froze. There was light, there were figures, there was loud noise. There was darkness.

***

Next time I saw “Chloe”, it was neither pleasant, nor a surprise. On my last week of stay on Tsa I came to the prison because I just couldn’t leave without saying “goodbye”.

“Chloe” sat on its bunk, naked, its breasts firm and round, but that did nothing for me. It tracked me with its dark lively eyes and I stared back all the way as I shuffled to her cell, leaning on my cane. We watched each other for a few moments.

“Could I talk to... to the real you?” I said.

“Chloe” considered it, then spread its legs. The mandibles munched a bit.

“I don’t know if you care,” I continued. “Maybe you predators just can’t get it - empathy, I mean. Maybe for you it was like a trip to a restaurant. Am I an exotic meal? Well, for me it was my life. It was my fucking hopes and ambitions... Why does it have to be a girl? Why couldn’t it be a puppy, a living wallet, a... a talking lightsaber toy?

“You probably think that even if you didn’t kill me, you at least broke me. Yeah, my skin doesn’t feel anything, I can’t smell anything... I can’t compulsively overeat, because I don’t have a stomach, and there’s no point in an intimate relationship for me anymore because I don’t have those parts, too. But that’s not all there is to life.

“When you’ve only your brain to look after you get interesting insights. Under all that body work, there is one basic need. And that you’ve fulfilled, ridding me of all the other ones.” I paused for impact. “Because I’ve finally got someone I can relate to.”

The Tsa guard squinted his four eyes uncomfortably under my loving gaze. Of course, I didn’t mean him specifically, but the whole beautiful Tsa race.

“I hope that gets into your lonely carnivore head while you’re rotting here.”

I arranged my mouth parts into a condescending smile and looked the creature over one last time - it sat without movement watching me indifferently, but for all I knew it didn’t have a need for expressions when it wasn’t about seduction. I rotated around carefully and hobbled for the exit.

[Svampapa]

That sure turned dark. Then again, I sort of expected it to.

[Eidolon]

I really enjoyed that, thanks.

[Korbac]

Wow. I originally thought this was in the "Life Advice" forum, and was highly disturbed. XD

[Supermikhail]

Thank you for your replies.

So, the other point of this thread (besides seeing if people would care for my writing at all) was to ask people for ideas for me to write next. It's a very roundabout way, and may not work, but, based on the quality and style of that story, is there anything you'd like me to write?

[Heron TSG]

Wow. I originally thought this was in the "Life Advice" forum, and was highly disturbed. XD

As was I, until I went and checked at the top of the page. 

A damn good story, if a bit odd at the end. (It's a little unclear. Is he a Tsa? Are the four-orbed things Tsas?

[Knight of Fools]

Yeah, where the story goes from there is dependent on what he was turned into.

If it grows into a larger story, you might consider breaking up this bit into flashbacks unless you add more details that could be relevant later. Or the main character van visit the Tsa once he's made an important step in accepting what he is, and what his calling is in life. It has the feel of a "whodunnit" in the making, with a bit of self-discovery thrown in for flavor.

[Supermikhail]

Hm. I didn't anticipate your trains of thought going in that direction. I guess I should have, from the position of having carefully crafted a story (which I didn't - it hummed in my head for a week but then I sat and wrote it down in two pretty frantic sittings), but... well, I'll leave that for everyone to decide for themselves. To clarify, the guard was supposed to be a Tsa, but the girl wasn't although for some reason they ended up sharing some anatomy. And the protagonist's brain was transplanted into a robot, at least according to my idea. Apparently I presupposed some things on part of my readers which aren't universal; and/or failed to convey them properly. But whether I should have... Uur, I don't think it matters that much. The important thing is,

Yeah, where the story goes from there is dependent on what he was turned into.

If it grows into a larger story, you might consider breaking up this bit into flashbacks unless you add more details that could be relevant later. Or the main character van visit the Tsa once he's made an important step in accepting what he is, and what his calling is in life. It has the feel of a "whodunnit" in the making, with a bit of self-discovery thrown in for flavor.

...no, I thought it was clear that I wanted another story, not a continuation of this one. Another presupposition on my part, I guess. I've been to expanding self-contained stories into bigger narratives, and it hasn't worked for me. So, anyone with any idea?

[anzki4]

I think the story would be better without the first sentence. Otherwise I enjoyed it a lot. Good work!

[Knight of Fools]

The first sentence is fine. It adds tension to what would otherwise be a bland beginning, and sets the tone for the story. It's the best thing to do when a story starts out slow before getting to some action.

Just check out Tom Clancy's books. He does this in the Patriot Games. First sentence of the book:

"Ryan was nearly killed twice in half an hour."

[Eidolon]

I pictured the girl as some sort of woman with a spider-creature below the waist (despite you saying it had pink limbs, two claws, my mind just pictured the black orbs like the eyes of a spider), and the Tsa as some sort of humanoid alien thing. I figured the protagonist was crippled from his encounter with the Chloe, but didn't really think about his brain in a robot body.

I typed up some other thoughts here but deleted them. I was going to talk about how I thought those races served to create a distance between the protagonist and the chloe-creature, really just a metaphor for the distance he felt with other humans (back in the earlier, more realistic-sounding world), and then the strange kinship as he becomes something other than human himself, but I'm not sure if i'm really going in the right direction with that. My ability at analyzing this sort of thing is rusty.

So, anyone with any idea?

I'm not about to tell you what you should write. Write something you feel passionate about, if that works for you. You say this hummed in your head and you frantically wrote it out. I'd say keep with that kind of approach.

Maybe you want some sort of structure to experiment with? Sometimes it's better to confine yourself, because the possibilities in that structure aren't as overwhelming. There are contests you could enter, or you could always try the story generator.