Mr Frog put down his PEA, concerned by the scratching noises he had been hearing at his door for the past half hour (actually, it was less of a scratching and more of whatever word is used to describe the ungodly sound produced when a NUCULAR EXPLODESWORD obliterates flesh, bone, and prosthetic hip, but the difference is largely-academic anyway). He looked steadily at the door for a few moments, carefully-calculating whether he should give a shit about something that quite clearly wasn't his problem anyways, then decided that he hadn't done any real science in at least a decade anyways and rose from his seat. He strode confidently towards his Box of Stuff (AN: thats what he calls the box where he keeps his stuff), reached into the swirling depths of mystery which conveniently get me out of having to describe its contents, and pulled out an adamantine chainsword, an E-Z-Smith forge that had been modified to fire streams of liquid tachyons (all the other scientists had said this made no sense, and while they were technically right, they were now also all DEAD), and a limited-edition Fluttershy vinyl collectible, which he tenderly slipped into one of the dizzying array of pockets inside his jacket.
Mr Frog briefly considered opening his door, but reconsidered; he instead kicked it as hard as his leg could muster, which succeeded at not opening the door and also made his leg hurt like fuck, which was a plus. Deciding that perhaps discretion was indeed the better part of valour, Mr Frog held his E-Z-Smith at the ready and carefully opened the door, deciding at the last moment to manlily bellow a line he vaguely-remembered from a movie someone had once watched within earshot of him:
"I'm here to kick bubblegum and chew ass, and I'm all out of ass!"
While Mr Frog was charging through the door, he decided that this wasn't BADASS and HARDCORE enough, and so added, so that everyone in earshot would know that he was a mature adult who knew how to use curses effectively: "Fuck-shit assballs! Avada Kedavra!"
Outside, the hallway was a bedlam house, but that wasn't unusual for Spearbreakers; the Spawn chasing a squealing Talvieno, on the other hand, wasn't quite as commonplace, and the fact that it was not only a Spawn, but a SLADE-PLATED UBERMEGASPAWNSLASHER thrice the size of a dwarf and with minty-fresh breath was a distinct cause for alarm. By contrast, the shredded corpses littering the floor, while certainly unsightly, wasn't anything the cleaning crew wouldn't be able to handle, and so Mr Frog promptly forgot they were there.
Mr Frog unleashed an unprintable string of badass obscenities as his E-Z-Smith unleashed a searing blast of bullshit physics, the combined assault slicing the UBERMEGASPAWNSLASHER cleanly in half while making both physics professors and nuns throughout the multiverse weep bitter tears.
Talvi watched the dismembered halves of the UBERMEGASPAWNSLASHER crash to the ground with a look of childlike awe, or perhaps blank non-comprehension; it was hard to tell with her. Afterwards, she ran up to her saviour and gave him a big hug, cheering: "Oh, Mr Frog-kun, you are so manly and sexy and brave!" (AN: i decided to make her japanese because it's kowai) After a pause, she added: "Also I do not think you are supposed to be acting like this desu!"
Mr Frog shrugged in a way that showed how he was sensitive enough to be concerned by Talvi's worry, yet so cool and collected that he really wasn't ruffled by it, and said: "Eh, even I don't know what the hell my characterisation's supposed to be by this point."
Suddenly, Mr Frog caught a whiff of minty-freshness, which chilled him to the bone and also made him crave tea. A terrible slade-plated slashclaw whipped across his field of vision, sending Talvi flying through the air and catching Mr Frog in the chest, nicking his jacket in a harmless-but-sure-to-be-significant-later way and sending him spinning in manner resembling a figure skater, but with a much better beard.
Mr Frog cursed as he spun; it turned out that, in a shocking plot twist, UBERMEGASPAWNSLASHERS are immune to bisection!
The UBERMEGASPAWNSLASHER slashed at the still-gracefully-spinning Mr Frog with its NUCULAR DESTROYSWORD, but Mr Frog parried its strike with his chainsword, stopping his spinning (the Eris personnel watching through the nearby hidden camera gave it an 8.2, points off for the ugly glasses) and did a physically-improbable maneuver in which he did a front flip over the UBERMEGASPAWNSLASHER, slashing the offending limb off in the process and landing behind the UBERMEGASPAWNSLASHER, after which he gracefully sliced off the UBERMEGASPAWNSLASHER's remaining slashclaw without missing a beat, or even looking behind himself. He vaguely considered allowing the now-helpless UBERMEGASPAWNSLASHER to live, perhaps use it as an air freshener for his office, but decided that he wasn't such a fan of mint and so aimed his E-Z Smith at the UBERMEGASPAWNSLASHER's torso, setting the weapon's dial to OBLITERATE -- and so it did, annihilating both the UBERMEGASPAWNSLASHER and much of the surrounding terra, leaving a hole in the ceiling that several stunned dwarves were peering down through.
Suddenly, Mr Frog got the distinct feeling that something was not right; he looked around the room, and his gaze alighted on Talvi's bloody corpse slumped against the far wall. He offhandedly made a note to contact the girl's next-of-kin and kept looking, finally noticing two small, yellow pieces of vinyl lying in the mixture of dust and gore coating the floor. He reflexively clutched the ripped part of his jacket, a single tear sliding manfully down his face.
"Fluttershy!" he sobbed; "N-Nooo!"
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Topic: [34.11] Spearbreakers - It shudders and begins to move (Read 2282480 times)