V's Journal, Chapter 24Vanya's journal continues in its usual manner, but without her usual philosophical portion. You cannot help but wonder why. The ladder was nothing more than a series of handholds carved into the stony wall of a vertical shaft. When I began to descend, Orodogoth closed the hatch above me, and everything abruptly grew as pitch black as if someone had doused a candle. I closed my eyes, trying to calm my heart, which was just starting to race... I hate small spaces so, so much... I remember looking downwards and seeing nothing but a pinprick of light far, far below me. While I'm fortunately not really afraid of heights, the sight of how far the narrow shaft continued downwards unnerved me. I don't actually remember much of the climb... just that I continued downwards steadily, one foot after another, eyes tightly closed, praying to the gods that I would be all right, and that the tunnel wouldn't cave in around me.
Finally, finally I reached the bottom, feeling solid rock beneath my feet once more. I turned, opening my eyes with a little sigh of immense relief. I was
safe, and that was all that mattered to me, though I wasn't looking forwards to climbing back up to the top: down is always easier than up. I don't really know why that is... perhaps because you feel you're returning to the earth, rather than climbing away from it. Gravity makes us feel safe, but only while standing on a solid surface.
Calming myself, I took in my surroundings. It was small, and stockpiled with various barrels and medical supplies, and furnished with a few tables, chairs, cabinets and beds. It actually looked almost as if someone was expecting an apocalypse. It wouldn't serve more than a few people, but they'd likely be able to survive for years without trouble.
A quiet rustling behind me interrupted my observations. When I spun about to see what was making the sound, I found myself staring into the face of a nurse with shoulder-length gray-blonde hair, who was holding a wrench like a club, just about to strike. As she peered at my unhooded face, she seemed to recognize me... an event that seemed to astonish her.
"It's
you!" Wari exclaimed in surprise, lowering her improvised weapon. "I thought you died years ago!" She dropped the wrench onto a table next to her and began examining me, looking in my eyes, my mouth, my ears, muttering, "You seem healthy, and that's a good sign..." The woman grabbed my hands and pulled up the sleeves of my blouse, pausing for a moment at the result. "Your bracelet is missing..." she said slowly, looking up at my face. "Where is it? I can only assume you're here because you know what happened... but where's your bracelet?"
"I destroyed it," I told her acridly, pulling my hands away. "You had no right to do what you did. I'm better off without it."
She shook her head quickly. "No, you don't understand. In doing what we did we ensured you'd be protected we gave you combat skills, stealth skills, we "
"It's all gone, and I'm glad of it," I told her, maybe a bit too angrily... she looked hurt. "I'm sorry... but really, it's all gone. Ballpoint took it away, but not before you activated me."
"I don't wait, what?" She looked at me almost suspiciously, a quizzical expression on her face. "What do you mean, I activated you? You've always been inactive."
"I
killed people, Wari! I
murdered them!" Emotion was creeping into my voice, and I tensed my lip, trying to keep it from trembling as I went on. "I
remember it, Wari... I killed so many Ballpoint agents, and I didn't even know what I was doing. I never knew what I was doing! My mind's a jumbled mess; I don't even know who I am anymore!! You took me and you
used me... I never wanted to be an agent! I never wanted to murder
anyone!!" I began shaking with anger, and I paused for a moment, trying to calm myself.
"Shhhh, sh sh sh sh sh..." Wari said softly, trying to put her arms around me. I stepped away coldly I didn't want her empathy. There was no way she could understand. "Carena, we didn't
"I
remember it, Wari!" I cried out again, tears beginning to sting my eyes. "They're in my nightmares still! I can still hear their screams, their pleas for help! They
burned alive!! I burned them alive, and it's all because of you! Don't touch me!" I pulled away from her again, but weakly, trying uselessly to stem my emotions. I was tired of the lies. I was tired of being conned, tricked and deceived. I was tired of the timewar, and Parasol, and Ballpoint, and all their evil, scheming ways. I just wanted to be left alone. Was that really too much to ask?
"The little girl..." I whispered despairingly, giving a twisted glance towards her concerned face before looking away. "There was a little girl who had nothing to do with it... and she's dead because of me. I murdered a little girl just because she saw me..." I could see her face in my mind... I could feel her little gorlak doll in my blouse pocket... I always keep it with me now. I started crying, shaking uncontrollably as I fell limply into a chair, covering my face with my hands. It had been a long time since I'd cried... I'd been trying to hold it in. Now it was out... and I couldn't stop, even with someone I considered an enemy less than five feet away.
Wari only stood there silently as the tears fell down my face, watching with a confused, sympathetic look, her lips drawn tightly together. I wanted to hit her... I wanted to make her feel the pain I'd felt... to make her understand the pain that so many people had gone through, all because of me... all because of her. But at the same time... I didn't feel anyone had the right to inflict so much agony on another. Not even someone who had gone through the same at their hands. I felt conflicted and confused. I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to run away and never have to deal with any of it again. I had an edging desire to slap her in the face, too.
"Carena..." the nurse said finally, "I never activated you. That's not how Parasol works, anyway. We don't just execute enemy soldiers because they're in our way. We have laws, a code, a way of doing things."
I swallowed and made an attempt to breathe slowly, though I found a lump in my throat. "That's what Draconik said," I told her quietly, refusing to meet her gaze. "I didn't believe him, either."
"You talked to
Draconik Sankis?" Wari moaned in distaste, rolling her eyes. "Oh, great. No, really, that's wonderful all our problems are solved," she said, gushing with sarcasm. It gave me the strong feeling that she didn't like him, but really, I didn't care.
Sniffing, I wiped my eyes with the back of a finger, glaring at her. "I remember what I did, Wari... You tried to block it out, but I remember."
She shook her head roughly. "No, you don't understand.
We never activated you." She sat down in a chair across from me with her elbows on the table, and folded her hands in front of her. "I'm the head of my department.
Me, not Sankis. I would know if we'd activated you. I would've had to give the order. And Carena..." She paused, trying to get my attention. "Carena. Carena, look at me."
I did, but reluctantly.
"Carena, I never gave that order. Parasol never activated you."
I didn't trust Wari very much, but it seemed as though she was being sincere. I'm a good judge of character, usually... We were silent for a while, as we both pondered what it could mean, trying to understand.
Finally I asked, "Might it have been Eris?"
She did a visible double take and almost fell off her seat. I stifled a laugh, but I couldn't help the sad, flickering smile that passed over my lips. Still, her icy gaze following it quickly wiped the smile away, and she looked at me through narrowed eyes, seeming as uncomfortable as if I'd just spoken treason. When she finally spoke, it was with a hint of accusation. "...Eris? What would
you know about Eris?"
By this point, I'd gotten it thoroughly into my head that Eris was a secret I really wasn't supposed to know about... and something that few people did. "I know some..." I replied hesitantly, watching her face carefully as I spoke. "I... I don't know that much, really... and I'm not sure I should talk about it..."
She pursed her lips. "You really don't trust me, do you." It was rhetorical, and more of a statement than a question. "I can't say I blame you. Carena..."
"'Vanya', please."
She nodded. "Fair enough Vanya, then. Do you recall how we met?"
I tried to remember, but with no success. "No..."
"Let me remind you." She leaned forwards, making eye contact over her folded hands. "I found you in a side alley outside the hospital one night, asleep with your sister."
"Salaia..." I whispered breathily. Her name still felt slightly alien, but at the same time... as normal as my own.
Wari nodded, her voice taking on a softer tone at the memory. "You never told me her name... but when I stepped closer to you, you awoke. You realized who I was, and pleaded for me not to take you to the hospital. And that's when I saw your sister's ears her cap had fallen off her head while she was asleep. It surprised me so much that I actually blurted something along the lines of 'You're elves!' ...Which of course frightened you even more. You stepped in front of her and literally begged me not to take your sister. You begged me that if I had to do my duty and take you to Mr Frog, the overseer, to only take you. You even told me you'd come willingly to the hospital so that I could 'experiment on you', just so long as I left your sister alone."
My eyes filled with tears as I listened.
Wari continued. "But I don't 'experiment' on people that's what Dr. Kannan did, before Mitchewawa deposed him. And I told you that... and I felt for you.
"Vanya..." she began quietly. Her voice was quavering, and it wasn't until then that I noticed that her eyes were moist with the threat of teardrops. "I grew up in an elven forest retreat with my older brother."
"But... you're a dwarf..."
She swallowed and nodded rapidly, her lips twisting as she tried to maintain her controlled expression. "I know. And my older brother was, too. He kept his beard trimmed to keep me safe, taught me how to stay hidden, taught me to never reveal who I was to anyone. But then, one night... they came for him. Someone had given him away... and when they took him, they..." She paused, trying unsuccessfully to compose herself. "They
killed him... I was only nine years old... He was eighteen... He was only eighteen. Earlier that night, he'd told me that no matter what happened... he would always love me. He wanted me to remember." A tear fell down her face, and she brushed it away ashamedly. I felt one fall down my face as well, and I put my hand on top of hers, where she held them clasped together on the smooth granite of the table. "He'd told me to disown him to say I wasn't his sister. It felt so wrong, like I was betraying him, like it was
my fault they were taking him... but when they took him, they left me alone. I didn't understand what was going on at the time I didn't realize they were going to
kill him... I... I'll admit I always hated elves after that."
"And I'm an elf... I'm so sorry..." I whispered, biting my lip. I hated that my kind could be so cruel... not that we're any crueler than dwarves can be, but it's no excuse.
She nodded briefly, brushing the tears away with the back of her hand. "I know... But when I saw what you were doing, it reminded me so much of him, that I... I couldn't help it. It almost brought me to tears even then, to see you stand up to me like that... to
willingly sacrifice yourself in her place... I wanted to save both of you. I wanted to do for you what my brother couldn't do for me.
"As we happened to need an elf right then, I chose you. I chose you so that you could keep your sister safe, like Lokum tried to do for me. The combat skills were part of the package... but the other skills... I added those into your program on my own."
"I... I had no idea..." I said, shaking my head in disbelief. Part of me wanted to believe it wasn't true, and that Wari really
was the enemy... but no one could fake what she was clearly feeling. "I always thought you were the enemy..."
"I'm a
friend," she said firmly, putting a hand on mine. "You can trust me." At my nod, she continued. "When I found out that Ballpoint had taken your sister wait..." She paused uncomfortably. "You
do know that your sister is alive, don't you?"
I nodded in response. "Ballpoint took her and made her an agent."
"Yes, they did... When they made her an agent, there was nothing I could do... But I told you she'd died at Kannan's hands. I hated to bring you the news, especially as it was a lie, but how could I explain about Ballpoint? You didn't even know about Parasol then."
"I remember you telling me." And I did... very well. "I'd considered that the worst day of my life."
She grimaced. "I'm sorry, Carena Vanya, I mean. I lost a lot of good employees when they did it, but I didn't want you to wonder anymore."
"She's an agent of Joseph's, too..." I whispered.
That made her sit straight up in her seat, pulling her hands away from mine. "What are you talking about?" she asked almost harshly. "How could you know about Joseph?"
I felt as if I was treading on unstable ground. "I... I talked to him once... I saw Carena my sister talking to him, too. But I didn't know she was my sister then."
She shook her head in bewilderment. "You
talked to him?! And how didn't you know she was your sister?"
"Ballpoint took me in with her when they edited our memories and made her an agent..."
She actually stood up in surprise. I think she was a little flustered, too. "They did
what?! They... They..." She made little noises for a few seconds as if she was trying to speak, but finally sank back down onto the stone chair, her eyes wide. "Oh my god... You poor, poor girl. You remember it?"
Glancing away, I nodded. I didn't
want to remember, but I did.
"Oh my god..." she mumbled in bewilderment, "oh my god.
Twice... The brain should only be altered once like that... It's no wonder you called your mind a jumbled mess. And are you sure your sister is working for Joseph? And that you talked to him?"
"She was talking to him on a PEA and working for him..." I explained. "And yes... Joseph said I'd 'furthered his cause greatly.' He said I'd done exactly as he expected."
"Oh my god. I need a cigarette," she said defeatedly, standing and walking over to a box and digging through it, mumbling to herself, "I can never find anything in here..." Finally, she stopped, taking out a strange instrument. I watched as she used it to light a little paper tube and put it in her mouth. I think it was like a pipe, just a different shape, because after a moment, she breathed out a little cloud of smoke. "That's better..." she muttered, leaning up against a wall and looking at me in amazement. "I think I've figured it out now..." She didn't seem very pleased.
"What?" I didn't know what she meant.
She blew out another cloud of smoke. "It wasn't Parasol that activated you, but Joseph. Joseph used to work for Parasol, and he'd have access to the codes he used to have a very high rank at Parasol, actually while he was a fellow employee, he was more of an employer. He knows just about everything about us. He could've had one of his goons hack into our system and manipulate your mind directly from there."
I didn't like the way that sounded. "What do you mean, 'manipulate my mind'?"
"I mean he made you kill a lot of Ballpoint agents to level the playing field. You wouldn't have known what you were doing. When he was done, he would've cut the link and you would've woken up and been regular old Vanya. That's what a sleeper agent is.
That's why you killed all those people,
that's how he knew about your sister and recruited her, and
that's how he knew what you would do in any given situation. I'm betting he pulled you into one of his Batman gambits." She took a deep drag on her cigarette and blew out the smoke triumphantly.
I nodded slowly, taking it all in.
"I've been watching you for some time," I could remember Joseph saying.
"You've done exactly as I expected no more, no less. You've actually furthered my cause greatly far more than the dull-witted Talvi ever managed." It all made sense... and it explained so much. Those words took on a completely different meaning now. Hed called me his "assistant"... Id had no idea he meant it so literally.
One thing didn't make sense, though. "'Batman'?" I asked.
Wari grimaced. "Never mind," she said dismissively. "But now that we know all of this... How would you like to help me out with a little work?" She walked briskly over to a cabinet and opened it, revealing a computer console and several small screens showing various areas of the fortress.
"I need to get back to Mr Frog soon..." I told her cautiously. "He'll want to know where I went, if I'm gone when he gets back."
She laughed. "Mr Frog, eh? So
that's where you've been hiding all this time... Oh, don't worry about that old coot; I'll have Orodogoth tell him for you. So... are you in?"
"All right... yes," I replied. I didn't know what she wanted me to do, and I was hoping it wouldn't take too long. What I wanted most was to rescue my sister, and I could only do that with the help of Mr Frog.
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