Bay 12 Games Forum

Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Advanced search  
Pages: [1] 2

Author Topic: New Novella Dark Beginning  (Read 3482 times)

Stronghammer

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
New Novella Dark Beginning
« on: February 11, 2012, 11:49:34 am »

Hey recently wrote a novella and published it on Amazon.com. Its called Dark Beginning, and is roughly 21,000 words and is 3 whole dollars.

It takes place in a fictional fantasy realm that is new and unique, yet has many aspects that are familiar to the reader. It is a book that takes place durning a war between a faction of evil dwarves and a faction of good dwarves. The book focuses on honour, duty and obligation to ones people. Anyways I figured that I would let the forum know as I like dwarves and of course the forum likes dwarves so ya, feel free to check it out.

Cheers.
Logged

Jervous

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2012, 01:43:25 pm »

Logged

Stronghammer

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2012, 11:44:35 pm »

yup thats the one, il give you guys 3 chapters of it so you can get a sample of the writing.

Chapter 1
“Retreat, Retreat for your lives!!!” The order was screamed out by the platoon captain before it was drowned out by the volume of his screams as his body was burned and torn apart by the cleansers flame. They were ruthless and deadly efficient in their slow methodical pace. They “Cleansed “everything they could see, watching as countless soldiers attempted to flee only to be licked by the approaching flame and then combust into a magical flame holocaust. The Cleansers were the a horror to behold and nothing could stop the burn of their magical flame once it caught.
   It was clear the Dark Ones had won the battle, the army of Vakt was routed and it seemed that none would survive the ordeal. This was just another lost battle in an endless tide of losing battles with the Dark Ones in the war of the light.
   The war of the light started a hundred years ago with the discovery of lament. The world back then was ruled and controlled by magic. Magic was used to do everything from important things such as fighting to doing mundane tasks such as laundry or mining. The land during this time was ruled by 3 kingdoms, the Kingdom of Sparken populated by the dwarves, the kingdom of Vakt populated by the humans, and the kingdom of Harth populated with elves.  These three kingdoms co-existed peacefully for centuries side by side. This all changed with the discovery of lament.
   It all started when magic suddenly began to fail around the globe and even the simplest spells would not work. Panic spread like wild fire through the people of every kingdom. It came such a panicked and dangerous time that riots began to occur in the cities, with the people demanding the nobility do something about the situation. The anger and blame didn’t stop there kingdoms began to turn on each other one blaming the other for the loss of magic. The Elves were hit the hardest as they were most in tune with the flow of magic and used it in its most pure and natural form. The Dwarves were the least effected of the kingdoms as they relied on a system of runes and enchantments rather than the actual flow of magic. These runes and enchantments continued to function after the flow of magic stopped, though no new ones could be created. This resulted in the humans and elves blaming and condemning the dwarves, believing that the loss of magic was a plot by the dwarves to become the only ones with magic. This led to the war of the races, which lasted for two hundred years.
   The war was brought to a dramatic close when suddenly lament was discovered. No one knows where it came from or how it worked. The elves believed that lament was magic in crystal form and was created by nature to balance the loss of the natural flowing magic. The humans believed that it was the blood of their god of magic, Magir who must have been slain by one of the other gods. The dwarves believed that it was a rare mineral that they just had never discovered before. Regardless of its origins lament changed the world. It was discovered that when in the presence of lament ones spells could and would work. This led to a massive celebration throughout the land. The war was at an end magic was back.
   Then another event occurred, that would forever leave a stain upon the world. The dwarves discovered that lament when in the presence of flame in the forge helped to strengthen the metal and imbued it with magical strength. This led to the creation of the Forge of Light. It was a giant magical forge created deep in the capital mountain of the dwarves and it contained power so great that any item forged in it was deemed a magical artifact. The dwarves and the rest of the world entered a golden age for 50 years, peace and prosperity sweeping the land with these discoveries. Then came “The Fall”. The dwarves by accident discovered that lament could be used as a power source for machines, and that it could be used as a weapon its self. They discovered that lament in any form other than its crystal form corrupts any living thing. It taints, twists and mutates any living flesh it comes in contact with. This gave rise to the “Forsaken”, those poor souls who had fallen under the corruption of the lament and were no longer living thinking beings. Forsaken became mindless creatures bent on the death of everything they came into contact with. The Dwarven King Frignig the Wise banned the use of lament as a weapon and made it illegal to change lament from its natural crystal form. The High Council however disagreed with the King and in secret created the Dark Forge. The Dark Forge was a secret facility, were the dwarves continued their experiments and production of lament fuelled weapons, for service to the Council. Six years later came the Great Divide or the Great Split to the other kingdoms. King Frignig discovered the forge with its experiments and weapons, and became furious. For the crimes the council committed Frignig condemned and banished every dwarf who had worked with the council and the Dark Forge, to the southern wastes. These banished dwarves became known as the Dark Ones or the Dark Dwarves, they vowed they would exact their revenge on the Kingdoms and bring death to all who opposed them.
   The Dark Ones disappeared for twelve years only to reappear with armies and devastating weapons of death and destruction. They then waged war on the three kingdoms, and for the next 10 years were unstoppable. The battle with the Vakt was just one more step on the road to revenge.


Chapter 3
Dark Forge, capital city of the Dark Ones or as they called themselves the “Enlightened” home to the Cleansers and various other evil inventions. The city was forever cast in shadow and smoke with dark and foreign figures constantly shuffling back and forth down the streets. Everywhere in the city could be seen the blue glow of lament. It was used to power the heating, production, air filtration, food growth, lighting, and pretty well everything the city needed to do. On every street corner stood a Cleanser, with their gas masks, black boots and sealed armour suits. The city had a constant hum to it and perpetual smoke and soot covered everything from the great number of foundries and factories. No longer could anyone walk the streets or live in the Dark Ones nation without gas masks and suits to protect them from the smoke and lament. Atop this black and deathly mass of a city stood Dark Keep, headquarters of the nobility and Council and home to the Dark Ones leader “The Deathless One”.
“Come in.” Said the Deathless One in his wheezing and hollow voice only made worse by the gas mask. The door opened and the Commander of the forward army entered “You sent for me master” said the general in his similar though deeper toned voice. “Yes, tell me of the battle at Dahl pass, against the humans.” “They were all cleansed from the land.” Responded the Commander as he moved forward to stand in front of the desk. “Yet did I not say we needed more slaves for the lament mines, the lord of industry will not be pleased.....nor am I.” stated the Deathless One while continuing to write. “But my lord, it was beyond my control, the Cleansers were too zealous in their work and would not listen to me, the blame lies with the Chaplin of the Clean.” Panic was just beginning to enter the Commander’s voice as he tried to shift the blame from himself. “Really, that is most interesting, send for him” he paused and handed a letter to the Commander, “and give this to the guard.” The Commander bowed accepted the letter and left slightly shaking and hoping he had escaped doom.
Ten minutes later the Chaplin arrived into the Deathless One’s office, “You sent for me your lordship.” The Deathless One stood by the widow watching the square below, he held up his hand to get the Chaplin to wait. There was a scream of one of the death rifle’s below and the Chaplin could just make out the body of the forward Commander being carried away to the furnace. The Deathless One turned away from the window and took a seat at his desk “Yes I did, I wanted to tell you to drill the Cleansers to be more obedient to their Commanders so that I don’t have to keep replacing them.” The Chaplin bowed before responding to the Deathless One. “As you command your majesty.” “Good send in the sub Commander he has a promotion.” The Chaplin bowed once more and exited the room to attend to his tasks. Moments later the sub Commander arrived, knocked, and bowed. “You summoned me lord?” “Yes I did, congratulations on your promotion Commander” the Deathless One handed over to the new Commander the symbols that went along with the promotion. “Thank you Milord I will not fail you.” Vowed the Commander as he excepted the rank insignia and bowed. “Good see to it, or your promotion may be short lived.” said the Deathless One. “Now go and continue the attack on Dahl Corridor, and Commander we need slaves not everyone needs to be cleansed.” “Yes lord.” the Commander bowed and then left to carry out his orders.
The Commander arrived at the army barracks twenty minutes later to give his orders. He approached his second in command to give him orders. “Prepare the troops we march at once with the reinforcements to join up with the army to continue the attack.” “You are the Commander now?” inquired his second while quickly writing the orders down. “Yes I am now the Commander of the forward army.” Replied the Commander while grabbing his sword and armour from the rack on the wall. The sub Commander didn’t question the promotion or how it came about he merely nodded and turned to prepare the troops for the march. The column of soldiers marched off into the distance with no one noticing their passage except the Deathless One from his window high up in one of the towers of Dark Keep.
“Work harder you filth!” The mine boss punctuated his point by cracking his whip off the back one of the nearby slaves. The slave dropped to the ground before quickly being picked up by his fellows. Deep Grove mine once was the capital of the Elven Empire before the ruthless attacks by the Dark Ones decimated them. Deep Grove used to be a city that had been the awe of all others with thousands living there, and was the center of magic knowledge in the world. It was a grand city built entirely in the trees, far from the ground. Now the city was a massive pit, doubling both as a mine a processing center for lament. The Deathless One stepped out of the teleportation spell into the office of the lord of industry in charge of Deep Grove. The industry lord immediately stood up from his table and bowed to the Deathless One. “Welcome my lord, what is the cause for this grand visit to my humble abode.” “I have come to tell you the battle at Dahl pass was not successful in acquiring more workers for you.” The Deathless one took a seat on the other side of the Industry lord’s desk. “Damn, well Milord I have done all I can with what I have, I’ve pushed the slaves as far as they will go. If you want more production I will need fresh blood.” “I know, you are not to be punished in fact I am here to tell you that I am sending a platoon of Dread Hammers to assist in your efforts.” Said the Deathless one in his hollow voice, while handing over the letter stating such. “Thank you Milord for this gift, I will definitely be able to increase production with their aid!” Said the Industry Lord while profusely bowing and accepting the letter. “Good, send me four humans from your workforce I am in need of new spies, and now I will take my leave as I grow weary of this place.” The Deathless one stood and began to prepare himself for travel. “Yes Milord as you wish so it shall be.” “And Lord of Industry keep watch my spies tell me the empire of light are preparing something, and I would rather not lose this mine, good bye.” With his final words still ringing in the air the Deathless One disappeared, the Lord of industry breathed a sigh of relief before turning to the widow to shout out the new orders.   


Chapter 4

The Great Librarian found Prince Dale in the courtyard sparring with one of the resident knights of the capital. “Parry, strike, turn, parry, and strike, good your majesty you are doing well.” Said the knight between the many hits and parries traded between him and the prince. The prince grinned at these compliments and moved in for the winning blow. He spun and jumped brining down his axe to bat aside the knight’s defence, before bringing his axe back around and to the neck of the knight. The knight stopped his movements and grinned. “Nicely done your highness, I don’t think there is anything I could do to further your training.” Prince Dale grinned. “Nonsense Damien I will always be learning from you.”
The Librarian took this moment to interrupt “Prince Dale your father King Frignig requires your presence in the war room immediately.” The Prince turned to the Librarian as he stepped out of the sparring ring. “As you wish Great Librarian, I’ll see you later Damien.” “As you wish your majesty.” The knight bowed before leaving to resume his duties. The Prince walked up to the Librarian to join him in the walk back to the war room. “Well Librarian how fares my father this day?”Inquired the Prince while following the Librarian through the various tunnels of the palace. “He fares well, though he worries about the loss of the Vakt at Dahl pass.” Replied the Librarian while continuing to hurry to the war room. “Really does that mean he will deploy the Death Guard to the field, Damien and them seem anxious for combat and to help in the war effort?” “It is not my place to neither know nor tell you my Prince.” Said the Librarian in an effort to deflect the question. “Come now you are close to my father, friends even can you honestly tell me you do not know?” Questioned the Prince. “My Prince if it matters to you that much ask the king.” The librarian paused in their walk to the war room and turned to the Prince. “Know this Prince Dale, if your father wishes to tell you he will, but if he does not do not push the topic.” The librarian sighed gave a wave of his hand. “Well here we are, best of wishes I will see you later.” After having given his cryptic parting to the Prince, the librarian left to resume his lesson with his students in the library. The Prince shrugged not sure how to read the parting words of the Librarian. He turned to the door took a deep breath and pushed open them open.
On the throne sat the king with his head resting on his fist seeming to be lost in thought, though with a look of what could be interpreted as sorrow on his face. “Hello father, you called for me and I have come, what is it that I your Prince can do for you this day?” The king looked up startled from his thoughts. “Ah my son tis good to see ye, what have ye been up to today?” “I was sparing with Damien one of the Death Guard, when the Librarian came and fetched me.” The king nodded his approval, sending his beard wagging. “Good to see ye are usin yer time wisely, anyways I summoned ye here to discuss yer right of proving.” Prince Dale smiled. “Why yes father what great and mighty task might I perform for the kingdom to prove my worth?” The king did not smile at the intended mirth of his son. “Dale you are to take a group of 10 Death Guard and go into battle and face my enemies, and through deed will ye find yer worth.” The Prince at first did not respond as he was shocked at his father’s decision. After a few moments he finally responded “Well father if this be me task then so be it, I will not return until I have made good progress against our enemies.” The Prince bowed and turned quickly leaving the war room. The king once the doors banged closed quietly wept as he felt he had signed the death warrant of his only son and heir.
The Prince quickly marched to the armoury, once there he took down his great axe from the wall. He then strapped on his armour taking great care in placing and securing each piece so that no gap remained. Once he had attached his armour he began to quietly and quickly take small provisions like bandages and food and place them into bags. Once he felt he had acquired all that he needed he headed to the Death Guard barracks. As he approached the barracks he began to hear the sparing inside accompanied by the shouts and curses of those betting and wagering on the side. As he pushed open the heavy gold doors he could see Damien was sparring with Grandual, and it appeared that Damien was winning. The sparring continued for a few minutes before one of the Death Guard spotted the Prince, and with a quick shout of “Nobility in the room” everyone stopped what they were doing and snapped to attention. “Me Prince what brings ye here I thought ye had to talk to the king?” Asked Damien as he pulled off his helm. “I have come straight from him with orders; I am to take 10 of you into combat against the Dark Ones to prove myself.” The Prince paused and turned to Damien “I want you to pick 7 of your best to accompany me, we leave at once.” The Prince spun around and began to march to the stables by the gate.
Twenty minutes later the King from his balcony could see the small dots of his son’s group riding out of the gates to the south to fight his enemies. The king sighed. “Ancestors protect you son for I no longer can.”   
Logged

Capntastic

  • Bay Watcher
  • Greetings, mortals!
    • View Profile
    • A review and literature weblog I never update
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2012, 01:32:15 am »

Is the actual ebook a solid text block like that or were the indents stripped out when you C&Ped the excerpt?
Logged

Vector

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2012, 03:30:53 am »

Either way, the grammar is rather lacking and I don't see anyone I care about within the first chapter.  Paaaaass.
Logged
"The question of the usefulness of poetry arises only in periods of its decline, while in periods of its flowering, no one doubts its total uselessness." - Boris Pasternak

nonbinary/genderfluid/genderqueer renegade mathematician and mafia subforum limpet. please avoid quoting me.

pronouns: prefer neutral ones, others are fine. height: 5'3".

Stronghammer

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2012, 09:39:04 am »

no the indents got removed when i copied and pasted. And sorry Vector you feel that. As it was my first and I, am still learning I think I have done alright myself. However that is just my opinion.
Logged

Lord Dullard

  • Bay Watcher
  • Indubitably.
    • View Profile
    • Cult: Awakening of the Old Ones
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2012, 11:24:24 am »

It is not easy to succeed in the literary world. Books are cheap and in order to attract readers you have to take the art of writing VERY seriously. That means that you have to develop both grammatical finesse and the ability to create interesting and subtly interwoven plots. Or at any rate, this is necessary if you actually want to make $$$ off of your writing.

Vector's reaction may be a bit harsh, but I'd expect more of the same if I were you. Grammatically, from what I can see, it's definitely a mess - that alone will turn the vast majority of readers off, since it indicates two things: firstly, that you lack a basic understanding of English grammar and lingual syntax, and second, that you weren't serious enough to either improve or get an editor. Although I suspect most editors would reject what you've written outright on the basis of the grammar alone, because most people aren't going to want to crawl through something of that size making the amount of corrections that would be necessary to translate it to a more readable state.
Logged

Vector

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2012, 02:12:44 pm »

I'd be nicer if you were just showing off a creative project for our perusal, but you're trying to sell this to me.  That would be why I'm speaking to you as a prospective customer, rather than someone looking to help you out.

That's the question: why should I buy your book and not some other?  Because you wrote it and you think it's pretty good for a first try?  No, sorry.  Maybe if I were your grandmother.  You're going to have to develop some selling points.

(I say this with all fondness and wish you the best of luck)
Logged
"The question of the usefulness of poetry arises only in periods of its decline, while in periods of its flowering, no one doubts its total uselessness." - Boris Pasternak

nonbinary/genderfluid/genderqueer renegade mathematician and mafia subforum limpet. please avoid quoting me.

pronouns: prefer neutral ones, others are fine. height: 5'3".

Willfor

  • Bay Watcher
  • The great magmaman adventurer. I do it for hugs.
    • View Profile
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2012, 03:12:54 pm »

All of your chapters are roughly 4-5 pages long by paperback wordcount. Generally this is a YA or Light Thriller chapter page count. If you're using chapters in a novella, especially an Epic Fantasy novella, you should be aiming for 20-30 page chapters. Or use no chapters whatsoever.
Logged
In the wells of livestock vans with shells and garden sands /
Iron mixed with oxygen as per the laws of chemistry and chance /
A shape was roughly human, it was only roughly human /
Apparition eyes / Apparition eyes / Knock, apparition, knock / Eyes, apparition eyes /

Stronghammer

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2012, 06:56:57 pm »

Thanks for the feed back. It really has been hard to try and even get that much feed back. I will definitely use it and go through what I have to try and improve it. 
Logged

Lord Dullard

  • Bay Watcher
  • Indubitably.
    • View Profile
    • Cult: Awakening of the Old Ones
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #10 on: February 12, 2012, 07:21:58 pm »

Good attitude! The fact that you had the perseverance to write something of that length bodes well. I've tried a couple of times and I don't have the knack for it, myself.
Logged

Deadmeat1471

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #11 on: February 13, 2012, 01:25:04 pm »

Don't give up, anyone can make it in writing if they keep at it, keep thinking, keep improving.
Finishing a book already qualifies you above most writers here, and thats praiseworthy.
Logged

Stronghammer

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #12 on: February 13, 2012, 09:36:01 pm »

Thanks its comments like those that help keep the drive to go. :D
Logged

G-Flex

  • Bay Watcher
    • View Profile
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #13 on: February 13, 2012, 09:46:53 pm »

You lost me at the first sentence. Well, second sentence.

Quote
“Retreat, Retreat for your lives!!!” The order was screamed out by the platoon captain before it was drowned out by the volume of his screams [...]

The order he was screaming was drowned out by the sound of his own screams? How does that work? Simultaneous multiple screaming?

Oh, and the sentence after that has a pretty flagrant grammatical error. Stuff like this doesn't make a good first impression.

Also, I'm sorry, but "licked by the approaching flame and then combust into a magical flame holocaust" is a phrase I will probably never, ever be able to take seriously. Never overkill a sentence that badly.

The fact that you published this with such poor grammar (see: "the a horror to behold") says something. Why would you expect people to pay money for something without even proofreading it?
Logged
There are 2 types of people in the world: Those who understand hexadecimal, and those who don't.
Visit the #Bay12Games IRC channel on NewNet
== Human Renovation: My Deus Ex mod/fan patch (v1.30, updated 5/31/2012) ==

Willfor

  • Bay Watcher
  • The great magmaman adventurer. I do it for hugs.
    • View Profile
Re: New Novella Dark Beginning
« Reply #14 on: February 14, 2012, 12:58:34 am »

You lost me at the first sentence. Well, second sentence.

Quote
“Retreat, Retreat for your lives!!!” The order was screamed out by the platoon captain before it was drowned out by the volume of his screams [...]

The order he was screaming was drowned out by the sound of his own screams? How does that work? Simultaneous multiple screaming?

Oh, and the sentence after that has a pretty flagrant grammatical error. Stuff like this doesn't make a good first impression.

Also, I'm sorry, but "licked by the approaching flame and then combust into a magical flame holocaust" is a phrase I will probably never, ever be able to take seriously. Never overkill a sentence that badly.

The fact that you published this with such poor grammar (see: "the a horror to behold") says something. Why would you expect people to pay money for something without even proofreading it?
I believe he's already acknowledged the failings of the grammar, if not the specific points you mentioned. Specific examples are well and good, but he's already promised to follow through on the more general matter of grammar. I don't feel it needs to be addressed unless it becomes an apparent problem again in the future. Not that it won't, however it would be a show of good faith.
Logged
In the wells of livestock vans with shells and garden sands /
Iron mixed with oxygen as per the laws of chemistry and chance /
A shape was roughly human, it was only roughly human /
Apparition eyes / Apparition eyes / Knock, apparition, knock / Eyes, apparition eyes /
Pages: [1] 2