It was a bright and sunny day, the sunshine came down in sheets like plexiglass on the windows of the car. My perch on the dashboard was on the front end of the place I'd just come to call 'the car', it wasn't expensive or confining, but since my arrival those long two minutes ago I'd never considered it home. I took a long fortifying pull on my dorito before exhaling, resigning myself to the fact that I'd just killed the only two people who could have been my assistant and was wearing one of them as a hat. Sometimes though there are things a man has to do alone, finding out who killed the fellow in the front seat might not have been one of them, but seeing as everyone else was dead it sure was now.
I flolloped quickly from my spot on the dashboard, hunching my crinkling bag against the omnipresent downpour of sunshine. My crusts had just gotten used to the walk when I arrived at my destination on the other side of 'the car'. Swinging open an invisible door to stimulate my mind and take in the sight of the bloody giant I walked into the scene of the crime, and crime it was, every fiber of my cheese told me that this was murder. The corpse was large, dressed in dark suit jacket, unbuttoned to display a white shirt, red now with congealing blood. Something had torn through his head, but before I rushed to a snap judgment I decided to interview the witnesses. First on my list was a Miss Wheel, apparently the deceased and miss Wheel had been close before his demise, whether she had a part in this I didn't know, but my bologna said maybe.
When I arrived at her place I asked a few questions, had to press her a little but after that she broke, and broke hard with a loud honk. I comforted her until she was fit to speak, then I took some notes on the side of my bread using a handy dorito and some of my own mustard as she sobbingly confessed everything she knew. "Oh you don't know what it's like, his hands all over me, pressing and grasping, using me for whatever he needed." She faltered and her story touched my deep in places that a female in dire need hadn't touched me in too long, but I let her get her bearings and continue. "It was awful, the last time we were together he was just twisting me left and right... Most times he has a gentle touch but... I feared for myself that night, he was rougher than he ever had been, and then he was gone... just gone. I still don't know how I feel about it, I don't know what's going to happen to me now.." Her voiced trailed off, the depth of her shock and sadness evident. I comforted her as best I could before moving on, I could come back later and interview her again, but pressing her grief now wouldn't get me anything more than it already had.
The next one on my list was a bit higher up as things go, maybe he'd seen something useful, maybe not. I was onto something though, that much was sure. The only question in my mind was whether something was onto me... murder like this isn't the kind that goes down without somebody bad behind it, the problem is finding him before he gets behind you. Crushing out another dorito beneath my crust I made my way to talk with the Mr. Miir. Man had a name like a bad story and face like mine, something that I'd learned just wasn't a good thing. He didn't need to be pressed, in fact I found that he didn't need anything at all.
Mr. Miir had been shattered.